We’ve been on this boat for what, five days, and we’re already having our second breakdown. Poor Ashling hasn’t slept and doesn’t have clean underwear and is crying in front of Francesca, and I feel bad, because she’s done nothing wrong! And of course Max had to walk by during it all. But everyone is having a bad day, really, especially Eddie, who is already over his deck crew. Maybe the only person who isn’t stressed out right now is James, who’s still in his vacation mindset. Oh, and our guests of course, who are drinking freaking Scotches, in their early 20s, on a boat. Wealth really is a drug.
James is on late, so he’s watching Dax and his girlfriend drunk-dial Dax’s mom on deck. And he’s noticeably bored, so much that once they’re off the phone, they ask him what’s going on, and he lets slip that he thinks everyone else is being too serious. But before he can keep going, Dax says James looks like Tom Hardy, which I do not see at all. It’s an unexpected turn of events, but Dax is kind of coming onto James? Then he tells Francesca that James is the hottest guy on the boat, as if those two needed any more prodding.
Then it’s morning, and thank God Ashling got some rest! Looks like James did, too — maybe a bit too much, because the deck isn’t clean at all. I don’t even know what the hell Eddie is finding on there, but it shouldn’t be there. Eddie and Izzy clean the deck, and Eddie is mad about it. James though? He’s still waking up and couldn’t care less that he messed up. At least the guests are too busy with Rachel’s lobster eggs Benedict (your vegetarian recapper is drooling) to notice any of the mess. And for some reason, the crew cannot wait to entertain these kids today, even though they showed yesterday that they just want someone to keep the White Claws and Jell-O shots flowing. Eddie is telling them about the Jet Skis and their beach picnic, and Rachel has a whole hot-tub barbecue dinner planned. At least she’s not trying to go fancy for them again!
It’s the crew’s first beach picnic, and everyone’s setting themselves up for disappointment. Captain Lee thinks the crew can bring everything in one run — like this isn’t his eighth season on this show! The guests are getting hungry and impatient, but this crew can’t set up a tent for the life of them. Even Rachel is helping set up. Just imagine the fit Kevin would have thrown last season!
The guests finally come over, late, but that’s not the end of our problems. Elizabeth has forgotten the margarita pitchers, so they send Eddie back to pick that up. Then she’s forgotten the sunscreen, too, after Francesca asked her earlier to put a sunscreen basket together. Once lunch is over and these drunk kids are “golfing,” right into the ocean (is this what rich people do?), they want to take shots. And Elizabeth has forgotten the tequila and shot glasses! What did this girl pack?! Lee is watching the whole thing on his binoculars and hearing it on his radio, and he is, needless to say, disappointed.
It seems like right after the tequila shots, the guests want to go back, so they send Eddie on his tenth trip back to the boat. At least they said they had fun! Then Lee is asking Eddie why the picnic was such a shitshow, and Eddie is telling him what Francesca already has, that she’s carrying interior on her back. Hopefully Lee does something about it, and hopefully we get to see him gossip with Eddie more.
After Rachel had big plans for the guests’ Jacuzzi cookout, of course they decide they want a proper dinner at the table. So Elizabeth tells Francesca this, after Francesca previously told her that morning to go to her with meal changes, not Rachel. Except Francesca doesn’t pass this on to Rachel! She’s on deck grilling next to an empty Jacuzzi, and trying to radio Francesca, who’s not responding. Dinner ends up going well — these kids will eat anything and love it — but Rachel is a little miffed about the whole thing, rightfully. At least James stays up to clean the deck afterward this time.
The morning goes like any other: Francesca is tired, Shane has trouble lifting, and a slightly dramatic docking turns out just fine. The highlight, once again, is Rachel’s chef’s special of duck confit and waffles. Get this woman off the boat and into a restaurant! The kids leave without much more incident, and I have to say, I’m a little disappointed. If you’re going to make such a big deal out of them being spoiled rich kids, show me more of them being spoiled rich kids! Well, we do get one last moment after they’ve departed, when they leave a measly $12,000 tip. If you’re already spending your parents’ money, why not go for it?
To be fair, they didn’t get stellar service, as Lee explains to the crew in their tip meeting. He flatly says that Eddie and Francesca are carrying the crew, and threatens “changes” so calmly that I’m terrified. “We’re not on a goddamned vacation here,” he says, and I hope that gets through to James. Except then we are, because the crew is going out, even if Rachel hasn’t found time to bathe today. I love this (figuratively and literally) messy woman!
Dinner is uneventful, except that Shane tells a pretty confusing riddle that doesn’t really feel like a riddle at all. Who does that at dinner with their co-workers anyway? That must be as fun as Shane gets, though, because at the dive bar they go to afterward, he’s talking to Eddie about anchors — which really makes James mad! James would rather spend his time off flirting with Ashling and Rachel (who, uh, both have boyfriends?) with his arm around Francesca. On the plus side, they can all barely understand his accent.
Back on the boat later that night, James is still in a mood, complaining to Elizabeth that everyone works too hard and the job isn’t fun anymore. Do these people really not watch the show before they come on? Sure, I still think working on a super-yacht would be fun, but damn difficult too! The next morning, James is then telling Shane and Izzy that he thinks everyone is working too hard. Does this man really just have two settings, being horny and slacking off?
But as excited as Shane was to step things up and learn about anchors last night, maybe he’s taking a note from James today. The next charter won’t arrive till tomorrow, and he only got six hours of sleep, so he decides he’ll take a quick nap so he can work better afterward. (Ashling was happy, ecstatic even, to get five hours of sleep her first night!) But then, as fate would have it, Eddie finds Shane asleep in their bunk and is pretty stunned. “You’re gonna fucking pay the price now,” he says as he leaves Shane to finish his nap. I can’t wait to see that, but alas, we’ll have to.
• Eddie’s description of the messy deck: “It’s like a frickin’ Jackson Pollock painting.” Talk about low art going high!
• Somehow, the least surprising detail in this episode is that one of these kids has a butt tattoo.
• Izzy is turning out to be a good deckhand, and Eddie a good boss for her! She’s stepping up with the beach-picnic setup and water toys, and Eddie is encouraging her and teaching her skills she never got to learn on her old boats. Good for Izzy!
• Would sex-machine James fuck Shane? Sure, he tells Izzy, but he’s worried he’d knock Shane’s hip out of place.
• Rachel teaches Elizabeth how to iron, which she learned from her ROTC days. Really, is there anything she can’t do?