Before we get into the entree of this week’s episode, I’d like to serve up an amuse-bouche. While the crew is away, Captain Glenn will play, meaning he will watch an eel documentary in bed while munching on a midnight snack. Meaning that he will call his mom and tell her about his insomnia and dreams about buying donkeys. Meaning that he will nibble on a crunchy cracker in tranquility. Did Bravo reward the crew by granting them access to a villa for the day, or was that simply a ploy to give Captain Glenn some solo R&R that I’m sure is laid out in his contract? Judging from the looks of the next episode, the new deckhand is on his way, which means Captain Glenn will once again have a roommate. I am so proud of our captain for soaking up his solitude while he can. Preserving one’s inner peace is vital for surviving life at sea.
Speaking of preserving one’s inner peace: Gabriela officially disembarks the Parsifal III. I mean, we all saw this coming. We all read the blind items. And yet … I was impressed by Gabriela’s self-awareness throughout this episode (and season!) and disappointed when she sniped at Marcos at the villa. I know she’s better than this. I was rooting for you! But after a phone call with a friend — Cookie — she decides enough is enough. And I respect that.
Like, you can’t say that you don’t trust anybody onboard and you refuse to drink with them in one scene and then be chugging Champs straight from the bottle in the next. And Gabriela knows that! Which is why she quit!
It’s not until the last ten minutes that the departure drama unfolds, and it’s actually not dramatic at all. Gabriela asks Captain Glenn for a chat and remains calm and clear throughout their conversation. She is poised and powerful! She has a script, and she’s sticking to it: “I think that I’m not in an environment that’s conducive to my mental well being. I love my job. I love what I do. But I have some work to do with my interpersonal relationships while living and working on a boat, and I know that. But I don’t want to disappoint you or let anybody down. I want to be a part of the crew. I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable around me. I don’t want it to affect them either. I’m feeling like it’s the healthiest thing for me to leave the boat … I don’t want to quit right before a pickup, but I think it’s the best thing for me to do.”
Honestly, I’m going to bookmark this for the next time I quit a job. Captain Glenn is of course beyond understanding. He says he’d normally be disappointed but, under these conditions, Gabriela is making the right decision, and the crew will cope without her.
I feel bad that Gabriela was allegedly forced out, but I am also hopeful that our two new crew members will give us a mid-season revamp. I am so sick and tired of the Gabriela-Marcos bickering and the Gabriela-Ashley-Gary love triangle. And to be clear: I don’t blame Gabriela, even though she’s the common denominator. I would have been more than happy to sub out Ashley for a new stew, for that matter! But we need a fresh face, and as a viewer, I don’t really care how we get it.
On the love triangle front: Gary and Ashley hook up, which I knew was going to happen the second Gary flirts with Daisy on their way to dinner. To recap: Gary tells Daisy her ass looks good in her pants, and Ashley passive-aggressively jabs: “Will you guys just fuck already?” To play my favorite role, armchair psychologist, I think a lot of her behavior stems from her rocky relationship with her sister, who, if we believe Ashley, famously went after all Ashley’s crushes and boyfriends in high school. Daisy is her new big sister. Gary is Ashley’s crush. Thank you, Psych 101.
Anyway, Gary, Ashley, and sweet Kelsie share a cab home from dinner, and readers, I got scared for a second. Gary (jokingly? or not?) suggests a threesome, and I was truly scared shitless. I prayed. I said to God: Do not let me witness a threesome between these people! Luckily, all that happens is Ashley flips over the middle row, flashing the camera in the process, and a chaste kiss between Ashley and Kelsie. Back onboard, Gary heads for the hot tub, and Ashley joins him.
Gabriela and Colin shine at this moment. They sit back and observe the trainwreck that is Gary and Ashley. These two are the comedic relief, the narration, the voice of reason.
“Ashley’s desperate for Gary — like, it’s out of control how desperate she is,” Colin says. Gabriela, in an incredible flash of self-awareness, agrees but adds, “I have no place to say anything.” I would watch these two sidebar all night and am bummed we don’t get more of them throughout the season.
A quick digression: Colin is nothing if not consistent. If someone’s hooking up with Gary, Colin’s going to express equal parts shock and awe every time. “It’s seriously like he has this magic wand and he can cast a spell on these girls. He might actually, accidentally, sleep with every girl on this boat without really trying,” he says later in a confessional. To be fair, even Gary is slightly confused by girls who want to sleep with him. At the villa, Gary says to Daisy, “Who would have sex with me on a normal basis? Let alone when I’m paralytically fucked?”
Back to the hookup: Gary leaves in the middle! He just gets up and goes! I almost feel bad for Ashley. He tells Ashley he’ll be right back (he won’t), goes back to his room, and promptly passes out. He remembers none of this in the morning. According to Ashley, and the footage, the two head down to the guest cabins, she gives him a massage, she blows him (?), and the two have sex. As Ashley summarizes the next day, “I gave him an actual back massage … and then somehow his pants came off.” And so it goes!
Will their love saga continue? Well, we get a glimpse of the new stew, Scarlet, and I’m not so sure what will happen to our dear Ashley and Gary. It looks like Scarlet will be giving Ashley a run for her money in the race for Gary, which is objectively a laughable race. Do any of these girls ever pause and think, We’re fighting over Gary? Who knows. Also giving the crew a run for their money will be next week’s charter guests. In her requests, primary guest Dr. Kim Nichols demands the crew refer to her as “Dr. Nichols” for the duration of the charter. In girlboss we trust!
From the Galley
• Daisy displays expert-level Irish-dancing skills. Why didn’t she perform this at the talent show earlier in the season?
• Kelsie flosses with her hair, again, in public, despite Gabriela reminding her that she found real floss.