Before I dive into “Paging Dr. Nipples,” I want to backtrack and discuss last week’s episode for a moment.
I was expecting (and hoping) to get a confessional from Gary that would shed a bit more light on his encounter with Ashley. I’m not sure how to take their hookups, given that they only seem to happen when both parties are severely sloshed. In some cases, one person is even full-blown blackout — like Gary was last week — which is highly sus. (Side note: Will Bravo ever address the frat house level of binge drinking on this show?) I want Gary to reveal how he feels about these drunken hookups and whether he feels taken advantage of or uncomfortable. When Colin asks Gary about how things are going with Ashley, Gary replies that he’s not going to go near her as she’s too clingy. Colin agrees and calls her desperate. Gary then wonders aloud about the new stew, Scarlett, and how much drama the two of them will cause if they like each other.
Meanwhile, Ashley and Gary barely share scenes together this week. One of note? Let’s state the record for the court.
INT. GALLEY — DAY
Gary: So guys, what do you think of the deckhand? Let’s talk about him while he’s not here.
Ashley: What do you think about him?
Gary: I like him.
Ashley: Looks like you lucked out!
Gary: Yeah, maybe I can finally get laid!
Ashley: I think you already did; you just don’t remember.
Gary breaks the fourth wall and gasps to the camera.
Gary: With who?
Gary and Marcos laugh.
Now onto the guests from hell. Who raised these people? Dr. Nipples (née Nichols) & Co. are awful, scum of the earth people. As per her Instagram, she’s a celebrity dermatologist. I tried writing out all of their offensive antics in a paragraph, but it was such a long block of text that I decided the only way to present this information was in a list format.
- The group of six has (at least) nine pieces of luggage and wants every item of clothing to be steamed. This takes Ashley 210 minutes.
- One of the guests, a man named Dino, barks at Daisy within minutes of arrival: “I want a bacon Bloody Mary with grilled shrimp. How’s that for an order? A double bacon Bloody Mary with two grilled shrimp. No olives.” Not a please in sight! When his drink arrives, he’s not happy: “A little weak on the bacon. Weak! Weak bacon! You need two stalks of bacon in there.” He’s also not happy with the shrimp. They’re not jumbo enough!
- Dr. Nipples’ husband, Chris, demands a drink called a Transfusion. He will continue to demand this drink throughout the duration of the charter. If you, like me, have never heard of this drink, this is how you make it, according to Chris: “Equal parts vodka, ginger ale, and grape — not grapefruit — grape juice.” Unfortunately for Chris, grape juice doesn’t exist in Europe. Fortunately for Chris, he doesn’t care and demands Daisy JUICE GRAPES … He wants this woman to literally make juice from grapes? I cannot get over how deranged this request is.
- Darling Chris gives his fellow travelers a tip when it comes to cocktails: “As soon as it gets a little warm, hand it back and get a fucking new one. Don’t force down lukewarm drinks, none of that shit.”
- After dinner, the guests clomp upstairs to “get jiggy with it” and shout at the crew to bring music, blankets, and a bevy of complicated drink orders. There is clearly a technical difficulty with the speaker system — which should probably get cleared up in the year of our Lord 2022 — but Chris and Dr. Nipples’ responses? Insane! “If you don’t fucking make this shit work right now,” Chris laments before his wife chimes in with a tirade of her own: “Alright, this service sucks. Let’s go. I’m done… I paid fucking sixty thousand dollars…” (Subpoint A: Dino flicks a $100 bill in Daisy’s face for “the aggravation for tonight.”) (Subpoint B: Is $60,000 for a three-day charter for six guests cheap or expensive? Do guests on the show get a break because they have to be on a reality show? I would love to know the discount!)
- The last but certainly not least offense: This group pronounces ‘espresso’ as ‘expresso.’
I am not including Dr. Nipples’ nip slip in the list of offenses because I am pro-nip slip, which is fun and flirty, and I am also pro-Marcos’ reaction to said nip slip, which was delightful. The guests clearly think so, too, because they start plotting how to lure him into the private chef sector.
Looking at this list of behavior … are you not embarrassed? Marcos later drags them with such a singular scathing line: “This type of guest … they just want to feel rich.” He just called them poor, tacky wannabes! And babe, he’s 100 percent right.
Special mention goes to Daisy’s confessionals in this episode. She is an amazing actress. Give this girl an Oscar. I would have lost my shit Teresa Giudice style had I been catering to these guests, but our girl Daisy keeps calm and carries on while dealing with them.
I’ve been so distracted by these rude asses that I almost forgot to talk about sweet new deckhand Barnaby! First thing’s first, let’s clarify the pronunciation of his name. Dictionary.com breaks it down as [bahr-nuh-bee]. Was that so hard, crew? He has “Jesus hair,” according to Kelsie (who has already ruled him out on the romance front), grew up competitively sailing in Singapore, teaches water sports to the rich and famous (Barack Obama, Richard Branson), and will cater to Daisy’s every need. “I reckon that if I get on the wrong side of her, she’s going to have me for breakfast,” he says in a confessional after agreeing to squeeze limes for his chief stew. “I know what I’m doing: Look after Daisy, and then she’ll look after me.”
Barnaby is a total pro. He comforts Kelsie after she drops a pin in the water by saying, “I mean it’s stupid to make water toys have components that sink,” which, true, and helps her laugh it off. I can tell Barnaby would never make such a JV mistake, but he pretends he will next and calls it a rite of passage. He has incredible team player energy, and I bet he’s an incredible roommate for Captain Glenn. I am also obsessed with the fact that he believes he can get rich by osmosis. I, too, believe this.
Now that we’ve met slow and steady Barnaby, I’m desperate to meet Scarlett, the new stew, already. She’s going to make Ashley lose her mind, and readers, I will love every second of it.