We are back aboard the Parsifal III under the guidance of our fearless, gentle, and patient captain, Glenn Shephard, who is doing the best he can to keep the ship from crashing and burning — literally. A sailing superyacht isn’t a motorboat (a floating hotel), and Daisy, Gary, and Colin are back to parent this season’s waddling ducklings: Gabriela, Ashley, Kelsie, and Tom — may his memory be a blessing (we’ll get into that later).
To recap the past six episodes: Everyone’s favorite Lothario, Gary, has already kissed three of the four women onboard; Chef Marcos literally gets scalped by the boat; infamous guest Erica Rose returns with her man-child of a husband, Chuck (and only leaves a $6,500 tip); and we learn that Kelsie flosses her teeth with her hair. Plus Daisy is absolutely #girlbossing it up.
It’s been relatively smooth sailing (sorry) up to this point, but our beloved yachties decided to serve us a full-ass meal as we approach the season’s halfway point. The simmering stew tension between Ashley and Gabriela — which started with passive aggression over proper hospital corners — is finally boiling over, love triangles are transforming into love quadrangles, jobs are in jeopardy, and even easygoing Chef Marcos is dipping his toe into the drama.
After Tom from Northern England (not to be confused with Zac Efron) lets the anchor drag (in landlubber speak: a major fucking problem that could have resulted in a shipwreck!), Captain Glenn has no choice but to send him packing. At the top of the episode, Tom whispers, “I think Glenn’s going to fire me,” and, babe, he’s right! To see the cool and congenial Captain Glenn get worked up — a.k.a. calmly tell a crew agent on the phone, “I’m looking for a deckhand, and I need somebody pretty soon” — is nothing short of shocking and signifies the gravity of Tom’s mistake. This is Captain Glenn we are talking about! He’s a man of the people who shares a room with common deckhands! He tolerated Tom’s drunken vom session just a few weeks ago, but it seems a line has finally been drawn — and the line is Tom potentially wrecking the boat and ending the season.
Before Tom gets canned, he has a chat with Gary to try and get an idea as to where the big boss’s head is at. All Gary has to say is that the issue is above his pay grade. He’s the first mate, not your best mate, Tommy boy! Gary may be our favorite playboy, but it’s important to remember that he’s actually really good at his job. Instead of spending the morning proving himself to the captain, Tom lounges around and says things like “I’ve been inside her,” about Ashley. Captain Glenn is livid (mildly agitated) and calls Tom down to the mess the next morning to let him go, informing him that a tender will whisk him away within an hour.
I want to reiterate how difficult getting fired from this show is. Tom had one job on his overnight shift: anchor-watch, and he failed at this, risking the safety of the superyacht and the lives of everyone aboard. This, in addition to the laundry list of minor mistakes he has made this season? He’s out!
Side note: I feel for Captain Glenn, who only wants to sail the seas and show the guests a good time, not flex on a deckhand or fire someone mid-season. But here we are.
Like the utmost professional he is, Captain Glenn immediately calls the department heads to the wheelhouse to relay the news and informs Colin that he’ll be straddling double duty until a new deckhand joins the team. Tom makes a last-ditch apology to Ashley — who, just moments earlier, was shit-talking him with Gabriela (“That’s why he needs to fucking go”) — by saying to her in the laundry room, “Anything I did ever say was not me; it was just me under alcohol. I didn’t mean it.” LOL, okay. Can he take accountability for anything? Maybe this is why Ashley famously doesn’t date guys her own age … Anyway, she, with the gravity of a Real Housewife, tells him, “I know, I know,” before admitting that even though she’ll miss him, his firing is “probably the best thing.” Way harsh, Tai! They hug, she continues ironing, and then Tom hops on the tender in a pair of jorts and Oakleys, sailing away from Sailing Yacht for good.
Let’s take a moment to remember Tom and the lesson he learns: “to never have sex with the woman (Ashley) who wants to have sex with your boss (Gary).” Moment over! Cheers, mate!
Tom’s absence means the crew is short-staffed, but more important, it means there is a shift in the onboard hookup dynamics — and no more competition for Gary. With Tom gone, Ashley is down to one option: Gary, whom she kissed the first night before starting a romance with Tom. Let’s also recall that Gary and Daisy had a drunken hot-tub makeout, which Daisy denies despite cameras capturing the moment in all its tequila-soaked glory. In this episode’s final scene, the pair get into it over crew-wake-up times (so boring and obviously code for horniness), so I suspect this enemies-to-lovers arc will come full circle shortly. Meanwhile, Gabriela also has her sights set on Gary: Last week, she hopped into his bed and apparently touched “his wee-wee.” While stew one and two compete for Gary, Kelsie confides in Ashley that she hopes she can get some action with the new deckhand, and, honestly, I’m ready for her to get hot and heavy with someone. I want to see Kelsie’s freak flag fly! Hair floss in the bedroom? That’s some extremely Robert Pattinson shit.
The guests on this charter, Colorado businessman Jim Blumenthal & Co., are uncomfortably horny in a middle-aged-couples-on-vacation way and keep a stream of pervy jokes flowing. It’s not inappropriate — unlike Gabriela’s interaction with the primary guest McCordia Young in the season premiere — but it is weird. They crack shocker jokes, say they’ll take a throuple with Marcos, do topless-tapas wordplay, and enthusiastically agree with Colin deeming Big Jim the “horniest man” you’ll ever meet. Big Jim is suspicious to me — who wakes up at 6 a.m. to enjoy the sunrise while on vacation?
They also put in the deranged request of a talent show starring the crew (this poor understaffed crew!), which comes as no surprise after Ken, one of the guests, shows up to night one’s dinner in a full matador costume. Daisy voices what we’re all thinking in a confessional: “It’s frustrating when we’re asked requests like a talent show because I don’t have fucking time to think of a bloody talent. Pretty much the only thing I’m good at is getting tan and drinking margaritas.” Colin also sneaks in a jab while introducing the crew: “Believe it or not, we all have full-time jobs, so it was a really tall order to put this together.” Will this mini–guilt trip yield a bigger tip? Only time (and talent) will tell …
Daisy and Gabriela perform a little salsa number, Captain Glenn pulls off a dirty joke, Marcos spins a platter (in addition to whipping them up an entire “seafood-palooza”), Kelsie and Ashley do some sort of hoedown dance (?), Colin croons an original song with a lyric dedicated to each charter guest, and Gary “the Lady-Killer” King officially enters his Magic Mike era and gives Big Jim a lap dance. We still don’t know how lucrative Gary’s striptease is — the tip comes next week — but if the episode’s title, “Strip for the Tip,” means anything, I’m expecting these guests to pay up.
From the Galley
• The guests decide that “Chad” is the male version of “Karen,” with “Kevin” as a close contender.
• Tom, spritzing himself with cologne upon leaving: “Come in smelling good, go out smelling good.”
• Guest Ken: “That is the most sophisticated sailing control I have ever seen.” Guest Jim: “Have you seen Chris’s vibrator?”
