Starting the episode with a hungry pregnant woman on the beach sends my blood pressure rising into the next millennium. Can someone get this girl some Chex Mix? Also, why isn’t Alissa picking up her radio when Rachel calls? We are seeing a side of Alissa that I don’t like!
The thing about reality TV is that almost everyone is a villain. Forget the villain-hero binary; they’re all bad. Now that the biggest villain is finally out of the picture, a new supreme must rise, and that supreme is named Alissa. Alissa realizes that she can’t have her cake and eat it too. She can’t bear that “people” (a.k.a. one person: Ben) are making her feel bad about Camille getting canned. If you’re going to lead a campaign against a co-worker, you need to be able to stick to your guns. You got exactly what you wanted, Alissa! Stop letting Ben get in your head. Also, regardless of the Alissa-Camille beef, Camille was a shit-ass employee, and her firing was just. Her replacement, Tyler, seems much more capable — and also a key to figuring out who the mystery hot blonde is!
Let’s put our sleuthing caps on: Tyler is the new deck stew, so that must mean that Fraser eventually gets booted, right? Who else would she replace? This week’s episode makes me suspicious that Alissa’s attitude gets so bad that she might be in the running to be replaced as well. I still strongly believe that Fraser goes; after all, he’s the department head and responsible for setting the tone, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Bravo tries to trick us and ousts Alissa instead. This almost makes me want to go back and review the preview footage from episode nine, but … I just remembered that it’s not that serious.
Onto Tyler. He is great and neat as a pin. He, unfortunately, rooms with Katie, who’s a slob. Katie is devastated because she wants to use this opportunity to bunk with Ross. Did we not learn anything from Below Deck Mediterranean? Dave and Natasha did not suffer in vain! Ross, luckily, has cold feet about this and informs Katie that it’s strategic for him and Fraser to live together, being department heads and all. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
These guests are random and drag the crew to filth upon departure but tip decently, so it’s fine. During the interior team’s post-charter meeting, Alissa storms off crying, claiming she’s done. Hayley’s shocked face is pure gold. Fraser has lost all control. I know they were short-staffed during this charter, but I’ve seen much more demanding guests with way less help across this franchise, and none of those stews have had breakdowns after. Or if they have, they at least felt more deserved. These guests were relatively easy, and the interior simply dropped the ball. At this point, Alissa is her own worst enemy, and that’s made clear when Camille makes a cameo appearance at dinner. Would I have shown up if I were Camille? Absolutely not. But Camille does a lot of things I wouldn’t do, and it perfectly tracks for her to show up at the restaurant. Alissa loudly talks shit about her to Tyler, filling him in on her firing and weighing in on how embarrassing her waltzing into dinner is. She doesn’t let it go. Alissa, I beg of you, focus on something else! Just stay in your lane for one dinner. After dinner, Ben and Camille whisper sweet nothings and make out on a curb, and Ben declares that he’s head over heels for this girl and has goosebumps just thinking about her. Cut to: His new romance that will be taking place in just a few short episodes!
Ross is famously not bunking with Katie at this point, but the two still make time to hook up in a guest suite. Right after, Ross says two of the grossest things I’ve ever heard: “Katie and I definitely built up quite a bit of tension that needed to be released,” and that he wants to hook up with her six times a day, every day, because “obviously” he’s a “sex addict.” Alissa informs Tyler that Katie and Ross are a thing, which proves that she actively knows about their situation (we’ll come back to this later), while Hayley eats chips in bed (me).
The next day, it’s finally time for our mid-season field trip, and this group gets a boat party followed by mud baths! From a viewer’s perspective, this excursion is long. How do the cast members last? Katie’s swimsuit and cover-up are Miami epitomized. Rachel explains her back tattoo by saying she loves fish, certain colors, and “Asian,” which is … certainly a choice. Ross admits to Rachel that he needs to stop drinking soon because he’ll surely have liver failure … bleak. His eagerness to get down on all fours when Rachel jokes about a golden shower is … telling. At the mud baths, Alissa and Ross straddle each other in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable. It’s obvious by now that Ross is hammered. He’s sloppy and gross and can barely stand up straight. He can’t remember what he orders at dinner, and Alissa leaves the table with him while Katie looks on in a fury. She tells Ross that she thinks she’s hotter than Katie and then tells us in a confessional that she flirts with Ross because he’s a scumbag and that it’s fun to see everybody squirm. Interesting.
Ross and Alissa hold hands on their way back to the boat — I wouldn’t be surprised if Ross is so drunk that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing this — and Katie decides that she has had it. Even Hayley is fed up with Alissa’s behavior. Don’t break girl code, bitch! Katie, for whatever reason, has a thing with Ross. Don’t be the other woman! And please don’t accuse me of not holding Ross responsible for his discretions. He’s been in the doghouse since the season premiere, but my expectations for him are on the floor. I expected more from Alissa, or at least I did! Katie is evolved and doesn’t seem to blame Alissa at all. She’s mad at Ross and even madder about how she looks like an idiot. Despite holding hands with Alissa on the way back to the boat, once on the boat, Ross visits Katie’s cabin to try and … I don’t know, seduce her? He doesn’t seem to succeed, but good ole Bravo leaves us with a cliffhanger. Meanwhile, Alissa vents to Fraser, claiming that her situation with Ross is awkward. While this is all going on, poor Tyler and Tony are just trying to sleep! I’m annoyed with Alissa for behaving like this, and I’m annoyed with Katie for being hung up on Ross. He’s gross, sloppy trash without even an ounce of charm. Can we just clone Hayley to fulfill all the roles? That would honestly be better and much more entertaining.