We have set sail in Saint Lucia aboard the 197-foot St. David with our trusted Captain Lee, and I’m worrying, darling. This hot mess of a season has just started and red flags are popping up right, left, and center. I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start with some introductions.
Chef Rachel is back, and she gets her own cabin. I love this woman and her red hair, and I hope the rest of the season gets easier for her. I know we’re all here to work, but it is objectively absurd how much Rachel has to run up and down the stairs to access the food stored in the pantry and walk-in. And she has to do it all alone! I wish Bravo gave her a sous-chef or a literal runner. I fear our favorite self-proclaimed mercenary chef is not being set up for success.
In the interior, we have the beloved Fraser running the show. He just got off another boat where he served as chief stew, and I think he will excel in this new role … if his team stops fucking around. Hayley is great. She’s a Pisces whose three favorite things about herself are her ass, tits, and hair, and she seems to have no problem with her colleague Alissa being named second stew. She wants to do her job, make her money, and get home to her Gemini boyfriend. The second stew, Alissa, also seems great. She’s competent and professional … until she has to deal with the dreaded deck-stew, Camille.
As the great Taylor Swift would say, I knew Camille was trouble when she walked in. Upon meeting the bosun (whose name is Ross), she says, “Ross, like the discount store.” I have nothing against a good deal, but this is rude and weird to say out loud to someone you just met. Another weird thing to say? Her whole spiel about love never lasting at the beach because people on the beach are “tan” and “hot,” and therefore, tempting. I don’t listen to Call Her Daddy, but I imagine Camille is a huge listener. She simply doesn’t seem like she’s here to work. She claims she prefers the deck to the interior, but I don’t see this girl getting her hands dirty. She can barely fill a fridge! We’re only hours into the first charter and poor Alissa already realizes she might have to micromanage Miss Camille all season, which sucks for everyone involved.
I am curious to see how Camille will mesh with the deckies, and by that, I mean I wonder who will hook up with whom. Guessing Ben seems like the obvious answer, especially after the pair’s Titanic stunt. Ross also seems to be channeling major Gary of Sailing Yacht Lothario vibes, but in a slightly less lovable way. I mean, we already see him make out with at least one of the ladies onboard in the season preview, and I’m sure there’s more. Ross is a seasoned pro bosun, and I have no doubt that his work will shine for itself. Ben and Katie seem fine. I wonder if Katie and Camille will have drama about being in the boys’ club. Tony, God bless him, and his backpack seem so naïve, but the man has such a magnetic and enthusiastic point of view that I already know I’ll love him even if he’s the worst worker we’ve ever seen. Captain Lee agrees with me, which is how I know my opinion is correct.
Speaking of Captain Lee, I had no idea he was fresh off of back surgery! He’s a tough cookie, and his cane is glorious, but I am worried for his physical health, especially after getting a glimpse of that upcoming fall. I know the producers love to tease us, but I hope he doesn’t leave halfway through the season. His shoes are too big to fill!
Moving onto our Mormon (!) guests. First, are we going to get an RHOSLC crossover? It’s what we deserve. Second, I am obsessed with Peng Lim and his crew. For receiving such shitty service, they’re rolling with it quite well. I don’t blame Rachel for the late lunch (and dinner), but I also would have understood if the guests were pissed about the delays. They’re hungry and paying top (or discounted) dollar! But their mild pissiness seems completely appropriate and almost funny. I do have one mild meal critique: the menu. These drunk bitches don’t want cauliflower soup! They want gourmet munchies! I know last-minute adjustments are a pain, but perhaps Rachel could have saved some time and energy by checking in before going full steam ahead with a tasting menu. These guests seem easygoing enough; they are even LOLing about the urine stains they find mere minutes after boarding. Not all guests would be this chill! And nor should they be. Urine stains are gross! I also think Peng’s line delivery of asking Fraser, “Do you know about Mormons?” is worthy of some kind of award. I’m not sure what, exactly! But I will be thinking about it for quite some time.
At least the crew manages to deliver for Peng’s birthday rave. Saint Lucia dancers? Check! Giant cutouts of Peng’s face? Check! Huge pop-out cake? Check! Tony’s appreciation of local culture? Check, check, and check! The post-party cleanup is fine, not great, thanks to Camille, and I am desperate to know her fate. I have a feeling that Fraser won’t be putting up with her attitude, and Hayley is already over her whining after a day. I can’t even imagine Captain Lee’s reaction to her lack of work ethic. What will day two bring us? I’m almost scared to find out.
From the Galley
• Can someone get this Captain Lee a captain’s chair that swivels? He just had back surgery!
• Camille claims she likes bad boys, but then says she dated an SEC quarterback. No self-respecting bad boy would ever do something as all-American as play college football, but whatever helps you sleep at night, girl.
• The best guest moment? Peng asks why a platform is wet before his friend kindly reminds him, “We’re on an ocean.”
• The Captain Lee–ism of the week has to be him shading résumés where people write that they’re “self-motivated.”
• What’s this about injecting Botox into balls? Actually, I’m not sure if I want to know.
