In Avengers: Endgame, Scott Lang (Ant-Man) correctly states that Captain America’s ass is “America’s ass.” And when Cap looks at his own 2012 butt, he agrees: “That is America’s ass,” he says.
Unfortunately, there’s not many shots of Cap’s butt after that moment. And at the end of Endgame, it gets worse. While we’re very happy for him, obviously, Cap goes back in time and marries Peggy. He returns to the present as an old man — who probably still has a good ass — but he’s retired now. America needs a new ass. There are, naturally, two basic qualifications for the job: being able to represent the nation, and having a butt. So which Avenger (or random character from the MCU) will take the title? We have ideas. Here are all the candidates for America’s next ass, from Captain Marvel to Rocket Raccoon.
Captain Marvel/Carol Danvers
There’s no debating this: Captain Marvel is the most powerful superhero in the MCU right now. She also has a great ass that Brie Larson worked her (I’m sorry) ass off to get. While Captain Marvel is more of a space hero these days, she’s showing an increased interest in her former home of America, and therefore could eventually succeed Captain America’s butt once the country has had enough time to move on from Cap’s absence. It’s gonna take a few movies, though. It was a good ass.
Sam Wilson is the most natural successor for America’s next ass, because he is Captain America now. He’s got the shield and the title, so why not throw America’s ass in there? Falcon hasn’t had much to do, and so far we’ve seen more of his wings than his butt. Hopefully he (and his backside) will prove they’re worthy of all of these titles in the future, a.k.a. on his Disney+ show with Bucky Barnes, which should definitely have a butt episode.
If you’re the kind of person who likes butts, you know that T’Challa has one of the best in the business. While T’Challa is the king of Wakanda, which is not in America, he has an ass that transcends continents. And now that Wakanda has made itself and its vibranium known to the outside world, people in America will know his butt and probably Google it all the time.
Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier
America hasn’t seen enough of Bucky’s sculpted ass, because he’s been a bit busy being a robot murder man throughout most of his movies, all while dressed in a suit that doesn’t hug his captivating frame. Thankfully there will be plenty of time for Bucky’s Butt on the Disney+ series “Falcon and the Winter Soldier.” Together, Bucky and Sam could be America’s Asses. This should be what the entire show is about, honestly.
Does Rocket live in America? No! Rocket lives in space. He doesn’t really have a house. But Rocket Raccoon hung out at the Avengers headquarters for a majority of Avengers: Endgame, which is in upstate New York, which is in America. And the voice for Rocket is provided by Bradley Cooper, who is from America. Rocket’s ass is also an interesting candidate because it brings a tail into the mix.
There are three important things we’ve learned from the newest Spider-Man: Far From Home trailer. Mysterio is a good boy, he is from Earth, and he sounds like he is from America. America’s next ass? Jake Gyllenhaal is a shoo-in, people.
Ant-Man’s butt can be reaaaaaaaaaal big and it can be reaaaaaaaaal small. But no matter the size, it is an ageless, perky ass (we are talking about Paul Rudd, after all) that deserves some love, attention and gratuitous close-ups. As the man who claimed Captain America’s ass for America, Scott Lang would make a fitting replacement.
Avengers: Endgame finally brought justice to the underrated, most-hated gem in the MCU: Thor: The Dark World, a film in which Erik Selvig, an astrophysicist and friend of Thor played by Stellan Skarsgård, runs around Stonehenge naked. No one ever talked about Selvig’s Stonehenge incident again, or about his ass, but it’s about time we do. He’s back from the snap, and his glorious butt needs to come back to America to hypnotize us all.
Post-snap America loves Hulk! And if America wants to take selfies with Hulk, then there’s gotta be a niche group of Hulk ass stans within the MCU who devote their lives to flooding their Twitter feeds with Hulk lust. The goal? An America in which Hulk’s gamma-ridden ass is respected by everyone at all costs. It’s what Mark Ruffalo deserves.
Colbie Smolders got fit as hell for her role as S.H.E.I.L.D agent Maria Hill, only to appear in the films briefly whenever a screenwriter remembered she exists. Thankfully it looks like Maria Hill’s role in the MCU is expanding, starting with Spider-Man: Far From Home. Or at least we hope so. She deserves more credit, so America needs to celebrate her butt, please.
Who the hell is Coach Wilson? Coach Wilson is Peter Parker’s physical education teacher played by Hannibal Buress, who really does have a nice bubble butt if you ask me. Let me have this.
It would probably make Happy pretty … happy … if he succeeded Captain America as the butt symbol of his own country. It’s not going to happen, but maybe it does happen in one of the multiverses that Nick Fury mentions in the Spider-Man: Far From Home trailer? A multiverse in which Happy is America’s next great sex symbol is a Disney+ series that I am extremely available to write.
Michael Stuhlbarg’s character from Doctor Strange
Before Doctor Strange became a wizard, he was a surgeon. And when he was a surgeon, he had co-workers who were not avengers. One of those co-workers was played by non-Academy Award winning Call Me By Your Name actor Michael Stuhlbarg. There’s no way he’ll ever be in one of these movies again. Really, this is just a reminder that A) Michael Stuhlbarg is in the MCU, B) he should have won an Oscar for Call Me By your Name and C) if Michael Stuhlbarg wants to have America’s a next ass, he can do it because he can do anything.