Whether we’re missing a flight, sitting next to an annoying passenger, or enduring bad customer service, flying is full of aggravations we’re usually powerless to avoid. Comedians, with their hectic schedules and tour dates, have it worse than most, and thanks to Twitter we know all about it. You’ve probably seen at least a few of your favorite comedians take to Twitter to express their travel-related stress and frustrations — sometimes they get a good joke out of it, but other times it’s just pure anger, annoyance, and good old-fashioned whining. Really, it all comes down to this:
Nothing puts off one’s judgment like anger, so oftentimes comedians end up posting airline tweets without the kind of mental editing or restraint they give their usual punchlines. The result is a sometimes hilarious and sometimes shameless look at which comedians perform best under pressure — and not the kind of pressure they’re used to onstage. With that in mind, we decided to collect 350 airline-related tweets by some of our favorite writers, comedians, and filmmakers. So fasten your seat belts, turn off all electronic devices, and get ready for a lot of turbulence.
I’m about to watch this movie while my flight is delayed. Let me know what you think of it! IT’S FREE!! http://t.co/d4e8SwRelt
— Rob Schneider (@RobSchneider) November 13, 2014
One of Hercules’$2 12 tasks should have been having to deal with airline customer service.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) September 1, 2014
God, grant me the serenity to accept this dweeb is eating Burger King on my flight, the courage to not scowl at him and the wisdom to sleep.
— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) November 8, 2014
General Complaints/Observations, continued
— yannispappas (@yannispappas) April 30, 2015
I usually spend the 1st 2-3 hours of a flight trying to remember my Gogo password, and the last 2-3 hours complaining about Gogo on Twitter.
— Andrés du Bouchet (@dubouchet) April 24, 2015
ugh my plane is two hours late for no reason this sequester has now affected me personally and i’m in favor of overthrowing the gov’t
— joe mande (@JoeMande) April 26, 2013
it would be funny to do a bunch of whippits right now while my plane sits motionless on the tarmac
— joe mande (@JoeMande) April 26, 2013
A good way to reenact the last scene of Titanic is to go through airport security with your girlfriend who doesn’t have TSA PreCheck
— Adam Conover (@adamconover) December 29, 2014
Pro travel tip: If you’re wearing jeans, the dumb tsa body scanners don’t read anything in the 5th pocket.
— Hannibal Buress (@hannibalburess) March 1, 2014
Back on shitty air canada
— Andy Milonakis (@AndyMilonakis) December 14, 2014
It’s good the TSA doesn’t allow weapons, drugs or flammables on planes, b/c I would have used one to kill myself on that @FlyFrontier flight
— joe mande (@JoeMande) April 29, 2013
. @alaskaair I picked the window seat on the plane for some fresh air and no matter how hard I try, it won’t friggin’ open. Partial refund?
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) September 4, 2012
Ah yes, Alaska Airlines. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person on this flight who isn’t flying north to write his manifesto.
— Andrés du Bouchet (@dubouchet) April 13, 2012
No one in the Virgin America in-flight chat room will talk to me. :( pic.twitter.com/WXNkeQdNu0
— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) November 3, 2013
Southwest Airlines: The Hunger Games of the skies!
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) August 22, 2014
You know, Southwest, instead of hypnotizing people into flying your airline, you could just make it an airline people want to fly.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) November 3, 2014
Going from flying Virgin to US Airways is like going from mac to pc. Ugly, jarring and full of bugs.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) August 16, 2011
Landed 90 minutes ago. Waiting for my flight w the luggage to arrive. Why wasn’t it on my flight? Because @usairways sucks dick.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 28, 2011
well @JetBlue, you cancelled my flight, but I’ll give it up for your bonnie raitt hold music. let’s give me somethin to talk about!
— Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) January 7, 2014
.@JetBlue Just wanted to thank you for the inflight entertainment! (two flight attendants fighting over a Burger King onion ring)
— Adam Newman (@Adam_Newman) March 2, 2014
Sad that @JetBlue charged me a change fee when I missed my flight but not my seat mate. My favorite airline really is bumming me out.
— chioke nassor (@chiokenassor) June 5, 2012
.@AmericanAir On behalf of Group 2, please stop making us feel like pieces of shit.
— Adam Newman (@Adam_Newman) March 17, 2015
@AmericanAir fire the women in the red blazers at the kiosks at LAX! They’re misanthropes!
— Eric Andre (@ericandre) December 19, 2014
— Hannibal Buress (@hannibalburess) February 18, 2013
.@Delta when I said I wanted to “hotbox” I didn’t mean sitting in a 80+ degree airplane for 30 minutes after it was supposed to takeoff
— Joe Robinow (@Joerobinow) March 27, 2015
.@Delta has all the networks except ABC, so I will be missing the Oscars. I have a question: How dare you?
— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) February 22, 2015
.@Delta I wish you’d stop emailing me asking me to “tell us how we did” after every flight. The answer is always bad & please leave me alone
— Adam Newman (@Adam_Newman) November 13, 2014
The great thing about flying Delta is you can let one rip on the plane and everyone just accepts it as part of the shitty service.
— Hasan Minhaj (@hasanminhaj) September 2, 2014
— Hannibal Buress (@hannibalburess) August 18, 2014
Waited an Hour for our bags at Delta LAX! delta Airlines suck!!!! N
— Timothy Meadows (@LeonPhelps) March 3, 2014
.@Delta You know, people would like you more if you didn’t fuck up EVERY time.
— Adam Newman (@Adam_Newman) December 12, 2013
— Eric Andre (@ericandre) February 2, 2015