Who is Jacqueline??? I know, I’m getting ahead of things, but I will not rest until this mystery is solved. I hope the answer involves someone being gay.
Also, wow, I was emotionally all set for the Marquise de Merteuil to start Pygmalioning Camille, but we are scarcely into episode two when she purposefully walks right off a balcony and dies on the stairs. I was not ready!! Right before this, she tells Camille the house is Camille’s opportunity, and if she uses it and the secrets she holds (contained in the letters), she can avenge their sex and devise strategies Merteuil couldn’t even imagine. Merteuil leaves behind a letter for her husband, which her steward finds.
Speaking of the steward, his name is only given as “Majordome,” but this is just majordomo, or head steward — not an actual name. In lieu of anything else, though, I guess we’re using a capitalized Majordome! He is great, if a bit prickly, and I look forward to his partnership with Camille. When we begin the episode, especially immediately after Merteuil’s death, he still pretty much hates Camille. Maybe “hates” is too strong. “Very much looks down upon and does not like” is more accurate.
After Merteuil dies, Victoire tries to get them the fuck outta there, but Camille repeats Merteuil’s wishes to her about avenging their sex and conquering men. Camille says she will do it. I continue to love Victoire’s practicality and her frustration with her very dramatic best friend. We learn more about how they met, as Camille has flashbacks throughout the episode. One of the first is her covered in blood, lying in the street. Victoire sees her for the first time and tries to save her from men looking for women to take to Jericho, but the men spot Camille too quickly. So that’s how she ended up at Jericho’s. Literally kidnapped off the street as she lay injured. Every time I think of the original Dangerous Liaisons, all I can think is Where is Victoire? I hope Camille doesn’t betray their amazing friendship.
In another flashback, Camille wakes up at Jericho’s with bandages on her wrist. Jericho says she sewed Camille up, and now Camille is going to make Jericho some money, as there’s a gentleman who’s paid for the whole week. And who is it but Valmont. That’s right, right away, that guy. He wants Camille to teach him about women and what they really think and want, etc., etc. Now we know why. During this week, they bang a lot, and also she tells him how to understand women, which is that women want to be known, whereas men usually see them as a surface in which to reflect themselves. If anyone is watching Bachelor in Paradise, then they know it’s not only women but all people who want this. (Just tell Aaron things you like about him, Genevieve!) But since it’s 18th-century France, the idea that women have particular wants or needs really gives Valmont a leg up on most men.
Majordome is ready to boot Camille out of the house, and this is truly a moment of decision for her. Is she going to say fuck politeness and find a way to stay, or is she going to not want to upset anyone and say, yes, of course, I’ll just be on my way? Women are trained to not cause anyone else (men) to be inconvenienced or angry with them. Partially for women’s safety! But also because it makes things easier for men if they don’t have to treat half of the world as equal human beings.
It is extremely satisfying to watch Camille refuse to leave, saying this is the marquis’s house now, and she’ll wait for his decision. Majordome gets back at her by presenting her to the large group of fancies who have gathered to mourn Merteuil, calling her the marquis’s closest confidante whom he is very sure everyone therefore must know. Haha, Majordome, you dick.
Victoire once again shows her best-friend credentials by telling Camille she acted every night at Jericho’s, and she needs to act now. Excellent advice, Victoire! We needed more Victoire this episode, but I do like her awkward comments that get no responses. What a relatable gal. Okay, so Camille is immediately grabbed by two of the fancy women, who want to know who she is and all the deets about Merteuil’s death (rude). Camille says the marquis knew her mother in Carcassonne, which I thought was just a board game, but it turns out it is a city in the very south of France. One of these women we know already because she’s banging Valmont. Her name is Florence, and she is being a complete turd to Camille. Why? Why were people terrible in middle school! Power, competition, etc.! Florence loudly announces that there’s only room for one fresh-faced pussycat in Paris “and that’s me-ow.” Gross, Florence. Gross.
Fortunately, the pussycat reference makes Camille immediately know who Florence is: one of Valmont’s many letter-writers. Because who the hell else is going to call themselves a pussycat? I hate even typing it. Camille quotes one of Florence’s letters right into her ear, saying if Florence comes at Camille, she’ll come at her harder. LOVE IT. Florence immediately announces, “Welcome to Paris,” and Camille is accepted.
Sucks to be Valmont, though, because Florence picks him up in her carriage, which he thinks is whisking him away to the new apartment she has gotten them. But what really happens is she makes him take off all his clothes and then shoves him out of the carriage for betraying her letters. To his credit, he takes being naked in the street in stride and saunters on home while covering his junk. Valmont gets dressed and goes to see Camille, whom he slow-claps. (Is this the first slow clap?? No. No, surely not.) He basically tells her she doesn’t know what to do with those letters, which Camille has already definitely proven to be untrue. Get outta here, Valmont!
So, we already know the marquis is bad news bears because of what Merteuil said about him, but that guy just flat-out sucks. He finally returns from St. Domingue, and when Camille goes to meet him, he comments on her perfume before seeing her, which is a very Hannibal Lecter kind of move. (I am just saying.) Also, snaps for Camille’s tricorn hat — loved it, want more of it. The marquis calls Camille opportunistic baggage, which is a pretty good burn, Patrice, and he tells Majordome to eject her from the house.
But Camille is not going back to her extremely dangerous life without a fight! She asks Majordome what happened to Merteuil’s letter, which he disavows the existence of until the marquis fires him, at which point Majordome hands the letter over to Camille. Camille tells the marquis (in much more eloquent language) that if he doesn’t let her stay there and treat her as his wife’s cherished companion, she will tell everyone the marquis died by suicide because the marquis was terrible. She also says that Majordome stays. Hurray! The marquis asks if she knows who he is, and Camille replies, “Not a very nice man.” BOOM. A gentle but cutting put-down!
Okay, but we’re not out of Flashback City just yet, because at Merteuil’s funeral, as Camille and the marquis are leaving, a clearly wealthy woman pulls the marquis aside in order to say, “You must put this agony in God’s hands, Marquis.” All hell breaks loose in Camille’s mind! Her emotions are in chaos! It is reminiscent of nothing so much as Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball.” She flashes back to the same voice saying, “You must put this agony in God’s hands, Camille,” and being led out of an enormous house by THIS SAME woman and locked outside the gates.
She runs down another aisle of the church, followed by best-friend-of-all-time Victoire, to whom Camille says she has seen a ghost. OMG! Jacqueline de Montrachet, what is your story? My greatest hope is that she and Camille had a relationship and then Jacqueline BETRAYED her and forced Camille out of house and home, breaking her heart and setting her up for vulnerability when faced with Valmont. Wow, I hope that’s the story.
The actual facts we have are that Jacqueline is someone who promised Camille everything and then threw her away. Camille tells Victoire that Camille is not nothing and she will make Jacqueline see that and suffer. I dunno, this does sound pretty gay. But then, I dwell in hope. Camille goes to the opera and thinks she sees Jacqueline through a window, so she runs to Jacqueline’s opera box, but there’s only two dudes getting it on, and they say Jacqueline hasn’t been there in years. Ghost lesbian.
As the overture to Orfeo ed Euridice by Gluck kicks off, Camille and Valmont lock eyes, and she thinks of Merteuil saying that love is lethal, to avenge our sex, and to conquer or die.
SO excited to learn more about Jacqueline and to see Camille take all these people down.
