I’m sorry — for our second entry in Ghosts season two, we’re calling out unfair body standards and we’re celebrating female sexual pleasure? I ask this in the most complimentary way, but is this little dead-person comedy for real? What a gift!
It seems the influence of the Spice Girls is still strong over at the Woodstone B&B: Yes, the Spice Girls helped heal the friendship between Isaac and Thor, and now, in “Alberta’s Podcast,” the female-empowerment vibes are at an all-time high. We get a pitch-perfect subplot in which Flower teaches Hetty how to use the rattling, malfunctioning washing machine to her advantage … as a woman. Of course, Hetty comes from a time when a woman being sexually aroused was seen as “amoral,” so Flower sits her down and explains a few things, mainly that “being afraid of female pleasure is just some BS thing invented by men to control women” and that “there’s nothing wrong with feeling good.” We’ve arrived at the season of Hetty’s sexual awakening — let the woman have all the orgasms she deserves!
Speaking of deserving, our third girl ghost gets a big ol’ spotlight shined right in her direction this week. We get an Alberta-centric story line, complete with a flashback to the 1920s, that leads to some poignant moments as well as a major development in the ongoing Alberta Haynes murder mystery.
Of course, to get to those poignant moments, we have to get through some real — albeit fun — unpleasantness. And unpleasantness, thy name is Todd. You remember Todd Pearlman from season one, right? Runs an Alberta Haynes museum out of his mom’s garage? Has a giant tattoo of Alberta’s face on his back? Bought one of Alberta’s toenails on the internet in the hopes of one day cloning her? Kind of unforgettable, unfortunately. But thanks to Todd’s boundless level of creepiness, we did learn that Alberta was indeed murdered — her greatest dream — by way of someone poisoning her moonshine. So, in the end, he was kind of useful. Much to Alberta’s dismay, creepy Todd becomes useful once again when the ghosts, who are now super into true-crime podcasts, suggest Sam start a podcast investigating what happened to Alberta. It’s actually a great idea since it could not only possibly help solve Alberta’s murder but also be a great way to promote the B&B. When Sam pitches it to Lewis, the editor of the local paper, he loves it — but will go forward with it only if Sam gets an expert as her co-host. An expert like Todd Pearlman.
By the time Sam is explaining to everyone that Lewis told her in no uncertain terms, “No Todd, no pod,” Alberta has already noticed that Sam refuses to make eye contact with her, and that is one hundred percent because Todd’s already on the premises. And sure, is this man’s return upsetting to Alberta on an emotional, physical, and spiritual level? Yes. But he brings with him an even bigger problem for our resident jazz singer: her bedside table.
Okay, I feel like that was a moment Isaac would’ve gasped for, and no one else would’ve gasped along with him, and now I feel his pain. I swear, the reveal is dramatic! It’s dramatic because inside the false bottom of Alberta’s bedside table is her diary, and within her diary lies the true story of how her career took off — and that is a story Alberta is sure will ruin her. See? Gasp worthy!
While Trevor, Sas, and Isaac are attempting to read Alberta’s diary along with Todd, who is apparently the slowest reader on earth (I’m still giggling over Isaac’s emphatic, “You wrote a book; read one!”), Sam eventually gets Alberta to just tell them all the truth. Alberta confesses that the night she got to headline at the club where she performed as a backup singer in Harlem — the night that jump-started her career — happened only because she ratted out the lead singer, Clara, as a bootlegger to the police. Clara was arrested, and Alberta went on in her stead, winning over the crowd. As Thor reminds us by singing one of Alberta’s biggest hits, “There’s Nothing Worse Than a Rat,” Alberta spent most of her life and afterlife touting a strict “No rats” policy. She is devastated her fans will learn that she went against her own code. She’s a fraud. There’s no way they won’t feel “let down by their one true God,” she wails. Sas notes that, “even in despair, she retains a healthy ego.”
But Alberta’s fears aren’t unfounded. Todd is gutted when he finally gets to that part in the diary. He feels like a fool! His “entire adult life” has been wasted on a person he doesn’t even know. When you’ve lost someone like Todd, you’ve lost them all.
And yet we know that, for all her bluster, Alberta isn’t an inherently ruthless person — and Sam knows that, too. She knows there must be more to the story. In a lovely little scene, Alberta explains she was tired of being overlooked and pushed aside because of her weight. She spent two years singing backup for someone with less talent than her just because Clara was thin. Seeing someone “less deserving” live out Alberta’s dream got to be too much — I mean, the woman “couldn’t even hit a high C,” and as Pete knows from his days in his barbershop quartet (because of course), that is “quite the burn.” Alberta seems confident, but a lot of that is just “armor” to protect herself.
Sam points out that the motivation behind what Alberta did is extremely relatable and actually would endear people to her rather than drive them away. Having insecurities like that is a real “stars, just like us” type of situation. That way of looking at things really hits home for Alberta, who knows all about the power of being relatable since she recently saw that Jason Momoa magazine spread of him “shopping for shoelaces.” “Are you saying I’m the female Momoa?” Alberta asks Sam. In a way, yes, yes she is. Suddenly, Alberta’s back, baby. And she’s ready to see the power in being vulnerable. As a fat lady who watches a lot of TV, I so, so appreciate the way Ghosts handled this story line and how it writes Alberta in general: It feels right to acknowledge some of the frustrating, disheartening body-shaming Alberta might face, but I love that they make it a point to show how Alberta herself never doubts her talent or beauty, and Ghosts has never attempted to make her weight a personality trait, as you see in so many stereotypical portrayals of fat characters. It’s refreshing — and it doesn’t hurt that Danielle Pinnock is so goddamn delightful in this role. Okay, now I’m getting to Todd levels of fangirling, and I just can’t be that creepy on main.
Speaking of dear Todd, once Sam presents her “theory” on why Alberta may have gone against her “No rats” life code on the podcast, he’s back to being all in on Alberta, for better or worse. He calls Alberta a “crusader against unfair body standards,” and that’s a mantle Alberta will proudly take on. But just as that whole escapade is wrapped up, a new one presents itself: Todd holds up a picture of Clara, and Isaac instantly recognizes her. She was in the mansion the night Alberta died. Clara is now suspect No. 1 in the murder of Alberta Haynes.
Ghouls Just Want to Have Fun
• Aw, Pete’s crush on Alberta remains alive (sorry, ghosts) and strong, and I love that for so many reasons including how much of a bumbling dork Pete becomes whenever he’s trying to cover up his obvious feelings. Pete and Alberta (literally) forever!
• Pete’s bromance with Jay also remains strong. Jay tries to make a comparison between Alberta’s diary and the Ark of the Covenant, and the Raiders of the Lost Ark reference goes right over Sam’s head — but not Pete’s! Even though he knows Jay can’t hear him, Pete asks, “Could you just die already so we can be best friends?” On this show, that is the sweetest sentiment!!
• Isaac finally got the group gasp he’s been waiting for! I couldn’t be happier for this guy. When you’re dead, you gotta get your kicks somewhere, you know?
• One of my favorite gags of the episode: when Sam tries to foist the blame of creating the podcast on Pete and then tells Alberta that Pete agrees with her, forgetting that, unlike Jay, Alberta can see Pete and she can’t trick her into believing her lies.
• Sas on Thor explaining Alberta’s rat situation to everyone: “Irony he gets, yet cars are still ‘landships.’”
• “What a time to be alive! I mean — you know what I mean.”
