Ghosts has been on an absolute rip of great episodes as it closes out season two, and its season finale is no different. “The Heir” showcases what Ghosts does best — seamlessly blending the ridiculous and hilarious with the heartfelt. An episode that gives us a moving montage highlighting how much our ghosts and livings have become a family and a trip to a local strip club to interrogate a dead ‘90s finance bro about a possible illegitimate child who wants to take over Woodstone Mansion? Yes, I’m in, 1,000 percent.
There’s a lot going on at the Woodstone B&B at the moment — well, except for having guests, maybe? Where are the guests? I remain, as ever, quite concerned about the Arondekars’ business model — but perhaps the most pressing is a little teeny tiny problem regarding the rightful heir to the property. Never did a moment call for the classic Higgintoot gasp than this one. A woman named Kelsey shows up at the B&B and, with a disarming smile on her face, informs Sam that she just discovered that her birth father is David Woodstone, Sam’s second cousin (and Trevor’s friend who helped dump his body in the lake, in case you forgot), who apparently had an affair with Kelsey’s mother, a stripper, back in the ‘90s. If true, this means that Woodstone rightfully belongs to her. Like I said: Gasp.
Woodstone family lawyer Dan gets his best DNA guy on it (“he does all the Jeter stuff”) and winds up with some bad news for Sam and Jay: the DNA checks out. Sam and Jay are spinning. The ghosts are concerned about losing Sam, too, but maybe not that concerned? Mostly, Hetty’s worried about the TV situation without Sam. Jay calls it “the weirdest butterfly effect,” and he’s not wrong, as he puts it: “Some ‘90s douche finance bro falls in love with a dancer at Scores, and now we’re out of a house.” What a world. Thankfully, the resident ‘90s douche finance bro hears that whole thing and finds a glimmer of hope for everyone: Trevor knows for sure that David was banned from Scores for life when he asked a couple of members of the Howard Stern Wack Pack for autographs at one once; something about Kelsey’s story doesn’t add up.
What’s the logical thing to do next? Excuse me, what’s the logical thing to do next on Ghosts? Sam and Jay learn that David died in a nearby strip club (because, of course, he did) and head over to see if perhaps they’ll run into his ghosts. As Thor notes, fingers crossed the guy didn’t get sucked off there. You know what he means.
David’s there and very surprised to learn that his afterlife in a strip club is, in fact, not heaven. He also confirms Sam and Jay’s suspicions: He can’t be Kelsey’s father if she was born in 1997; back in 1993, he dipped his balls into a hot coffee pot because a friend dared him, and he could never have kids after that. And that is the sad, sad story of how Sam and Jay cracked the case of Kelsey and her DNA. So, how did the test come back as confirmation she’s a Woodstone? It turns out Kelsey was in cahoots with Lawyer Dan. He’d been given an offer from the Four Seasons to buy the property, which would earn him a crazy profit; money that was much needed since, as he puts it, “the New York Knicks have been blowing some very large second-half leads.” And so, the Woodstone B&B stays under the care of Sam and Jay.
There’s more than one happy ending going around the mansion. You didn’t think Ghosts would go into hiatus without resolving the rift between Alberta and Hetty, did you? Alberta’s understandably still hurt from Hetty’s 100 Years of Betrayal, and since it seems as though this problem won’t be solved on its own, the ghosts invoke the Woodstone Accords, which dictate that any time a conflict cannot be resolved, a ghost council must convene and agree to an appropriate punishment so that eternal life in the mansion can move forward. It’s basically Ghost Court, a show I would definitely watch.
Hetty makes a lovely speech taking ownership of what she did to Alberta but also noting that she’s not the Hetty she was 100 years ago. When she was alive, women were competition, she tells the council, but thanks to her friendships with “women like Alberta and Flower and Samantha and a washing machine, [she has] changed.” How very Ghosts to give us a gorgeous, meaningful little moment about the power of female friendship alongside a perfectly placed call back about the washing machine that gave Hetty her first orgasm. It’s all about balance, and Ghosts gets that.
Unfortunately, the speech doesn’t do a ton to move the needle Hetty’s way, at least not initially. Alberta still wants her punished for what she did — the woman is in pain! — but when the Ghost Court hands down a sentence that would have Hetty banished to the woods for an entire year with no contact, Alberta begins to imagine a year without her friend Hetty. She can’t! She needs Hetty around. While she’s willing to forgive her, she would like Hetty to get some sort of punishment. She decides it would be acceptable if she and Hetty switched rooms. Alberta will have a room all to herself and Hetty will have to move in with Flower. For a moment, it seems Hetty might choose a year in the woods. In the end, she agrees to Alberta’s conditions and the two women make up. I was already a Ghosts fan, but setting aside time to dive into the female friendships on this show somehow makes me love the show more. What a smart choice to tie Alberta’s murder mystery into her relationship with Hetty.
Alberta and Hetty are not to be outdone. There’s another relationship in the house that goes out with a bang: Isaac and Nigel. When Sam decides to split her $20,000 book advance with Isaac — truly, an insane decision — he decides the first thing he’s going to do with his money is not buy Rhode Island, although that’s in the mix, but to have Sam buy him a new daybed from The Pottery Barn. It sounds harmless, but for Nigel, it’s a sign that Isaac doesn’t want them to move forward with their relationship — something that several ghosts, even Nancy, have to explain to Isaac. Shockingly, after a rather muddled conversation with Thor and Trevor that includes talk about taking risks with love, Danish entrails, and not realizing how much time you have with a person, Isaac knows exactly what he wants to do.
Of course he wants Nigel to live in the same room as Nigel. Of course he wants a king-sized bed so they can sleep together. It’s just he’d like to propose to the guy, to show him just how committed he is, first. Isaac asks Nigel to “make [him] the happiest ghost on the entire property,” and Nigel tells him no, he’ll have to settle for being the second happiest ghost, which is very sweet! When Isaac laments that he can’t physically put a ring on Nigel’s finger, Nigel tells him not to worry since he “already embedded a shiny metal object deep in [his] heart.” “You’re referring to the bullet I killed you with,” Isaac responds, misty-eyed. It’s also very sweet … and very, very weird. That’s how we roll on Ghosts!
And yet, the series doesn’t allow us to go out on any of those high notes. Well, I guess technically it is a high note for the person it happens to but possibly not at all for us, by which I mean: While Sam and Jay are out in the car, just as Sam is getting all emotional thinking about how much of a family she and Jay and the ghosts have become, Sam sees a bright white beam burst through the roof of their house — a ghost is getting sucked off! But which ghost?!! Which ghost has changed and grown enough to finish whatever unfinished business was holding them back from heading to the good place? There are several possibilities. Alberta just solved the mystery of her own murder and had a touching moment in which she showed forgiveness to a friend; that seems like a huge amount of growth. Hetty outright admitted that she is a completely different person in all the best ways from who she was as a living. Both Isaac and Nigel just demonstrated that they’ve fully opened themselves up to love. I mean, Nigel’s the safer bet since I can’t imagine the show losing any of the main ghosts (unless someone wants out?), but who knows? In fact, there is only one thing I know for sure as we wait for answers in season three: If Nancy the Basement Ghost gets sucked off and we never see her again, I will riot.
Ghouls Just Want to Have Fun
• Originally, Sam simply gives Isaac a candle to smell as his portion of the book advance, but the ghosts get on her for exploiting his labor and taking all the profits for herself. Hetty agrees: “He’s not a child in your iron foundry!”
• I hate to describe any sentence with the phrase “conjugal visits” as swoony, but Trevor getting upset over the possible banishment of Hetty really got to me!
• Nancy knows exactly what Isaac should buy with his new money: “Get a new water heater, let’s party!”
• Another Hetty classic (seriously, Hetty cannot leave, none of them can leave!), when hearing the news that the house might not belong to Sam anymore: “We’re gonna lose you, just when we finally got a living who can serve us — see us.”
