Most Star Wars villains are war criminals, bullies, or giant slugs. But despite these unfortunate traits, some of them are regulation hotties. Others? Not so much (cough, General Grievous, cough). With the arrival of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, horniness for the franchise is at an all-time high. But Kylo Ren isn’t the only hot Star Wars villain. Kylo’s colleague, General Hux, is hot too. And well before Kylo and Hux, there were other hotties trying to ruin our beloved heroes in the Rebellion or Resistance, including Darth Maul, Orson Krennic, and Captain Phasma.
Who is the hottest of them all? To find out, we very scientifically ranked all of the live-action Star Wars universe villains from least hot to most hot.
21. The Client
Anyone who has attemped to harm our wittle Baby Yoda is bad and does NOT deserve love, sex, hugs, horniness, kisses, or a good sleep on a comfortable mattress. Werner Herzog’s Baby Yoda enthusiasm might make me look at his face in a new, confusing way, but his character on The Mandalorian was chill with Baby Yoda being delivered to him as a corpse, which makes him even less hot than any other villain on this list, including Jabba the Hutt.
20. Jabba the Hutt
Jabba the Hutt is a slimy slug the size of my Brooklyn apartment who enjoys music, objectifying women, and watching people die. Jabba the Hutt is not hot on the inside or the outside.
19. Sheev Palpatine
Sheev Palpatine is simply not what you want. Once a creepy but slightly hot (in a Donald Sutherland way) politician with an exquisite robe collection, things really went down visually for him when he turned into a white human-raisin dictator as a result of Mace Windu’s purple lightsaber repelling his Sith lightning in Revenge of the Sith. The Sith lightning also changed Old Palpy’s voice into a gravelly, horrid thing that probably makes horny galaxy residents dry up as quickly as his raisin skin did. And, unfortunately, once he went full raisin, Old Palpy gave up on his Naboo wardrobe, opting to stick with the same black hooded cloak forever. He should not have sold his entire wardrobe on Coruscant Poshmark, because it was really all he had left going for him. I mean, besides ruling over the entire galaxy for a generation.
Disgusting. I’ve always wanted Sebulba to be a Sweet Sebulba, but he is and always will be a Monster Sebulba who looks like he recently came out of Jabba the Hutt’s butt. Sebulba primarily uses his hands as legs, even though he has legs, and this lack of awareness in a man is unappealing no matter what you look like on the outside.
17. Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus
Count Dooku could be hot if he weren’t such a tenacious pain in the ass, but tenacious pain in the ass is the path he chose for himself. With the title of “count,” it’s a little disappointing that Dooku isn’t a vampire, because I always assumed all counts are vampires and Count Dooku would be way hotter that way. I suppose the one thing Dooku has going for him (besides apparent agelessness) is that his cape chain suggests sartorial elegance.
16. General Grievous
Like your average straight white man, General Grievous doesn’t have the talent to match his ambition. And yet, General Grievous — a former Kaleesh warlord who is now a mostly-droid warlord with a hacking cough and a long list of failures — thinks he is more powerful than Obi-Wan Kenobi, whom he is obsessed with. I am obsessed with Obi-Wan Kenobi as well! The more I think about this, the hotter Grievous gets. General Grievous also has four arms. The things he can do with them? I must stop thinking about it immediately. Grievous is not hot!
Rodians are cute as babies (as seen on Star Wars: The Clone Wars), but being a mean bounty hunter who shoots at the hottest man in the film in a cantina is not a good look for Greedo, who was, most likely, a very lonely boy in his short but eventful life.
This bounty hunter who makes a brief but unforgettable appearance in The Empire Strikes Back is pretty hot for a lizard guy. The Kumail Nanjiani of lizard guys, perhaps. Have I said too much? Let’s move on before I get carried away …
13. Jango Fett
Jango went after my No. 1 boy Obi-Wan Kenobi in the rain when he visited Kamino for a peaceful informative meeting in Attack of the Clones. I don’t appreciate that, but I can appreciate that Jango Fett has the best eyebrow shape in the galaxy, and is therefore pleasing to see. A clone army of Jango Fetts is much more desirable than a clone army of Sebulbas.
12. Boba Fett
Like father like son, literally. While we never see Boba Fett’s adult face in the movies, it’s safe to say that as a clone of his father, Boba Fett’s face looks exactly like the face of his father. While Boba Fett is responsible for putting Han Solo in carbonite, he was just doing his job, so he’s really not that bad, and thus deserves a higher hotness ranking than his dad. He needed the money! Also, Boba Fett’s worn-out armor makes it look like he’s seen some things, which is hot. I’m sure he’s got some stories, so no date would be boring.
Here’s my argument for this shocking high ranking of Supreme Leader Snoke, who has a big hole in his face: He wears a lovely robe, and he is tall. But are society’s unattainable standards for beauty the only reason I’m even wondering if Snoke is attractive? Probably!
Thankfully DJ, a minor character played chaotically by Benicio del Toro in The Last Jedi, is not the kind of DJ who spins beats at whatever is left of Jabba’s palace, and his last name is not Tanner. He does clean up nice — presumably with the help of an extreme-hold hairspray — but within seconds of meeting you, he will call you Roundy, and hours later betray you and your friends to the First Order for his own benefit. DJ looks real nice, but he is the ultimate space-fuckboi.
9. Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker
This one is complicated. Anakin Skywalker is hot, but he is only hot in Revenge of the Sith, because his hair is coiffed and he’s got a big mood. Although Darth Vader is iconic and always clean (unlike most men!), he is not hot, because he is a scary middle manager.
8. Dryden Vos
Dryden Vos, played by physically attractive human being Paul Bettany in Solo, is described on Wookieepedia as a “near-human” — which sounds hot, even without the context of Paul Bettany’s face. Dryden is the public face of the crime syndicate Crimson Dawn, and although ruthless and violent, he, like every man I’ve ever dated, is very good at establishing a first impression of politeness before the monster screaming inside him comes out eventually. Dryden’s face, which has (hot) stripe-y scars all over it like a zebra, is also good for being in public. His crisp one-sided cape improves his overall look, but might leave one side of his body colder than the other. I would only like to hold hands with the cape-side hand, please.
7. Grand Moff Tarkin
Cheekbones that could cut a butternut squash like room-temp butter? GMT is the original Timothée Chalamet.
6. Captain Phasma
Captain Phasma wears armor that covers her entire body and face, but it’s not because she is a Mandalorian. It is because Captain Phasma knows that she is even more beautiful than Emily Ratajkowski with bucatini all over her face, and thus too distracting for the stormtroopers she commands. Additionally, being around her bickering bosses Kylo Ren and General Hux over the years has taught her that men are trash, and she doesn’t want to give them the privilege of truly seeing her.
5. Darth Maul
With only five lines of dialogue in his first (and at the time, only) appearance in The Phantom Menace, Darth Maul established himself as a mysterious but aggressive man who knows his place. While I do not find Maul particularly appealing, many wonder what lies behind those yellow eyes, how far the red and black tattoos go, and if double-sided lightsaber = double penis. Whatever lies behind his black robes, one thing’s for sure: Darth Maul is a horned freak in the bed … you just know it.
4. Allegiant General Pryde
Is this Succession in space? Richard E. Grant’s brooding character in The Rise of Skywalker — a general in the First Order — wears a black turtleneck, which means that he is Shiv Roy and that his hotness has surpassed the hotness of anyone else in the movie.
3. Orson Krennic
Orson Krennic has everything: a flowy cape, a dramatic side part, that twinkle in his eye that says, “I will destroy you sexually, kind of like how the weapon I am working on will destroy entire planets,” and his name is Orson Krennic. He is a smug asshole, which I love both for him and for me. but I worry that he is too focused on his career and, quite frankly, mediocre at it, which is why Krennic does not get a coveted spot in the top two.
2. General Armitage Hux
General Armitage Hux, played by International Treasure Domhnall Gleeson, puts a lot of effort into appearances, and it has clearly paid off since he is officially second-hottest Star Wars villain of all time. Although Hux cannot read sarcasm, even when coming from the mouth of his enemy Poe Dameron (whom he clearly wants to have sex with), he has the best tailor in the galaxy, an affinity for hair balm, and a consistent black wardrobe. Hux might be an evil general in the First Order who commanded the destruction of an entire system, but his red hair and his reliability makes me forget all that.
1. Kylo Ren
For any person who listened to a LimeWire mp3 download of My Chemical Romance’s “Welcome to the Black Parade” on repeat in 2006, Kylo Ren is the ideal man. To achieve this emo-teen fantasy, Kylo Ren applies sea-salt spray to his dark and moody hair every day, which creates a texture as stunning as Adam Driver’s performance. In addition to his baditude, his shrine to his grandfather, and his tendency to throw temper tantrums in front of his employees, Kylo Ren also has a taste for luxe fabrics and high-waisted pants, which makes him the hottest Star Wars villain (and maybe even fictional character) of all time.