Love Island Recap: Not Here to Train a Boyfriend

Love Island U.K.

Week 6 (Episodes 39-45)
Season 8 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating 3 stars

Love Island U.K.

Week 6 (Episodes 39-45)
Season 8 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating 3 stars
Photo: ITV 2

This recap does not cover Episode 46 — Unseen Bits. 

Islanders, I am so annoyed with my sexy singles.

There’s conflict, but it’s all conflict we’ve seen before. Jacques gets crushed in the crucible of having to be accountable to a single woman for three weeks together, and Luca has decided to become all the Luca he can be — that is, a weird jealous jerk who hates Tasha for reasons that remain unclear. Tasha has decided to focus on Andrew, Ekin-Su and Davide bicker, Indiyah and Dami trade witticisms, Danica is on a mission. Wash, rinse, repeat.

It’s a new day in the Love Island Villa, and all of the Casa Amor recouplings have already dissolved as if the previous week was just a titty-sucking fever dream, leaving our Casa newbies floating around the periphery without aim, without beds, and without a storyline. In the morning, Tasha gives Andrew back his ring (it’s over!). She spends most of the day dissecting Andrew’s betrayal with the girls while Coco sits quietly forlorn in the background (it’s a weird one!). In the evening, Tasha is telling Andrew how much she’s missed him (it’s back on!).

While Tasha is chewing her lip over how much she cares about the whole Coco thing weighed against Billy, Dami is promising Indiyah that he only ever gets butterflies for her and has forgotten Summer ever existed. That night, Deji (remember him?) watches Dami pull Indiyah for another chat and remarks, “Something stupid as fuck is about to happen.” Sure enough, by the end of the convo, Indiyah and Dami are back on, and Summer and Deji are wondering what they’re doing here. Not even Jay and Danica’s Casa connections last more than a day. By the time the Islanders are summoned to the firepit for a public execution that evening, Josh has already had the requisite three conversations it takes to make a break-up with Danica stick. (She chalks it up to “lost momentum,” and I’m gonna let her have that.)

But while Dami and Andrew have a surprisingly smooth time getting back into Tasha and Indiyah’s good graces, Jacques is struggling. His first attempt is to write “Miss you” in lipstick on a piece of paper towel and leave it between Paige’s sheets for her to find before bed. Step two is a notes app declaration of love, typed on his phone in the middle of the night and spell-checked in the morning by Dami. “Casa was a huge fuck-up, but it opened my eyes,” he reads to Paige, who is wobbling. It gets him closer to the finish line, but he will ultimately be screwed by the force of his own personality.

Production is trying to shave off as many excess Islanders as possible while still leaving room for the gimmick addition of season four’s Adam Collard to cause shakeups. So the public votes Jay and Chyna and Dami and Summer, their least favorite couples; the Islanders vote to save Dami and Summer, and the sun sets on Jay and his rock-hard abs.

Time to move on! The boys are rewarded for the emotional toll their infidelity has taken on their mental health with a spa day, while the girls have to entertain a guest. There was a lot of internet brouhaha about the return of Adam, a man made famous for treating women in the Villa like garbage, but so far, he’s mostly been whatever. To be fair, it’s not particularly tricky to look serious and mature when the alternative is Jacques. Adam says he intends to talk to everyone, but his sights are clearly set on Paige — or Gemma if he can get her, which he soon discovers he cannot.

“I have had a difficult time in here, right? I do not need this in the mix,” Paige tells the beach hut camera. (It is exactly what she needs.) Paige keeps repeating that she’s “not here to train a boyfriend,” and yet here she is, holding the doggy treats and teaching Jacques new tricks like “stay,” “quiet,” and “go lie down.” Adam tells her during their first conversation that, having done this whole Love Island thing before, he knows what Jacques will be like when he gets out of the Villa and is suddenly famous. He’s going to be hooking up, basically. Adam presents himself as an adult alternative to Jacques the Lad. When it eventually gets back to Jacques that Adam has been “slagging him off,” he throws a tantrum, which does not help. He shouts at Paige, tells Billy to fuck off, barks at Adam, and whines at Luca. “We’ve talked about this, Jacques,” Paige reprimands him. My man is breaking down.

It appears that Jacques has shot himself in the dick for the last time in this Villa and self-eliminates the next day. He tells Paige not to think about him while he’s gone and not to feel guilty, but my instinct is that Jacques truly believes that Paige will remain completely single for the rest of her time in the Villa and return to him with open arms. “I just know for us to work, I need to get back to myself, and the only way I’ll get back to myself is if I go home,” he says. Closed captioning reads, “THEY SNIFFLE.”

Jacques leaves, and everyone exhales.

The next day is, to be honest, super boring. Luca and Gemma go on their first date, and Gemma tells Luca she can’t agree to be his girlfriend without her mum’s approval. At first, I thought this was goofy, but then I remembered that Gemma is 19. Davide and Ekin-Su are bickering over Davide’s trust issues, as per. Adam goes on three dates: Summer, Danica, and Paige. The date with Danica goes surprisingly well, but for once she has realized when a guy is potentially more interested in someone else. Luckily for her, Billy watched her stretching one time and she now has him in the bag — for now at least.

Everything has started to fall back into place by the next recoupling. Adam with Paige, Andrew with Tasha, Billy with Danica, Dami with Indiyah, Luca with Gemma, and Davide with Ekin-Su. Josh (who?) picks Summer, and Deji is left with Coco.

I’m glad someone has legitimately chosen Danica, but I’m worried for her. She tells Billy there’s “no pressure,” but I have to laugh. Danica approaches every man with a verbal clipboard and a strategy. She’s making SWOT charts. She’s assessing the field. She’s taking stock of her materials. I’m also glad to see Paige away from Jacques and his inability to regulate his own emotions, but I do wish it was not Adam who got him out of here.

After the recoupling, Luca takes Gemma up to the terrace and lets her out of his arm prison just long enough to look her in the eyes when he tells her, “I love you,” for the first time.

“I thinkI’minlovewithyou/thethingis …”

Luca: “Nah, I am in love with you.”

Gemma: “I love you too.”

Luca: “I love you.”

Gemma: “Nah, it’s mad to hear that.”

Luca: “Fuck, I’m in love!”

Look, if they really are in love, then I guess I’m happy for them. The thing is that Luca, in the words of my English friend Sophie (thanks, Sophie), is a “bunny boiler.” Like the way he positioned the beanbags directly in front of the kitchen while Gemma and Billy were laughing together. Or the way Gemma leaped up from the couch where she’d been speaking with Adam as soon as she heard Luca’s voice. But even weirder than Luca’s suffocating attention on Gemma is his single-minded obsession with Tasha and Andrew. Tasha is Luca’s number one nemesis, and if one of you British voters who keep voting her at the bottom could explain to me why, that would be great.

Luca and Gemma weren’t the only couple to say “I love you” this week. Tasha and Andrew also exchanged the big three words, which Tasha says feels “so fucking good!” Tasha also decides to officially ask Andrew to be her boyfriend with an elaborate setup I’m calling an “exclusiposal.” It’s like a “promposal” but for Islanders. She arranges a little scavenger hunt for Andrew, writing the clues on slips of paper towel scattered around the Villa (seriously, are Islanders not allowed paper?). The game ends with Tasha and Andrew sitting by the firepit, and Tasha reads a little speech off of her phone, and they make out! Hooray! They’re exclusive and they’re in love! What could go wrong?

The public has been voting.

All Islanders are hereby summoned to the firepit again for another dumping. There are a lot of Islanders to get rid of, remember? The public has voted its bottom three girls, Summer, Coco, and Tasha. The bottom three boys are Deji, Josh, and Andrew. Coco and Josh are ultimately the two Islanders with the fewest votes and are hereby dumped. Tasha has started to cry because she’s upset at being in the bottom three again, and Luca takes great offense. For some reason. Luca charges over to where Tasha is sniffing into Andrew’s shoulder while Paige and Gemma comfort her with cooing noises and “you go, girls.” He demands to know why Tasha isn’t happy. “What I can’t understand is you’ve made someone your boyfriend …” There is a time and a place for this, Luca, which I know you know because Paige and Gemma both told you so.

Luca is the only one shouting in Tasha’s face, but he’s not the only one still gossiping about whether she actually likes Andrew or not. Davide and Ekin-Su are muttering, and Dami’s trying to play both sides. Billy, who actually truly does have reason to doubt Tasha, doesn’t think she’s being honest, either. But most of them have the tact not to hassle her about it as she’s sobbing.

Anyway, Luca gets one more opportunity to outdo himself before the week is over. It’s time for Mad Movies. This is when the Islanders are shown incriminating clips of one another during Casa Amor and elsewhere in the Villa. Of course they played the bit where Ekin-Su asks George not to tell anyone about the midnight, undefined touching in bed. Davide is housing popcorn as he watches the screen, which now shows Ekin awkwardly brushing off the encounter with, “It was hot, and we’re both attractive people.” Davide says, “You are a liar.” Standard Davide and Ekin stuff, really.

The next clip is a truly dishonestly edited bit of footage under the title card: “She’s Just Not That Into You,” which shows that whole Gemma and Dami mind-reading bit and some flirtatious banter with Billy. And Luca is off like a rocket, shouting at Billy from across the table and shouting at the skies at the injustice of being made out to be “overprotective” when he was right the whole time! Ugh, no and no.

Until next week, Islanders.

Other Bits and Observations

• Gemma’s toes in Luca’s mouth. Again.

• Coco says she’s excited to check her DMs. Good for you, Coco. You go, Coco.

• Not Tasha and Andrew staring deeply into one another’s eyes as Coco, in the same bed, stares into the middle distance.

• IDK who Becky Hill is, but the Islanders seem jazzed.

• Is that Billy attempting a Blaccent?

• Dami’s dream: “We had a recoupling and five couples were gonna be dumped. And if we wanted to survive, we had to showcase our talents.” This sounds like a pitch to me!

• Luca, on Adam, “He moves faster than an F1 car, that geezer.”

• Danica, 21, just got out of a six-year relationship, confirming to Adam that she met him when she was 14. She should not be in this Villa; she should be in therapy.

Current Couples
• Adam and Paige
• Andrew and Tasha
• Billy and Danica
• Luca and Gemma
• Dami and Indiyah
• Davide and Ekin-Su

Single Islanders
• Summer
• Deji

Last Week’s Dumpings
• Jay
• Chyna
• Jacques (self-eliminated)
• Coco
• Josh

Love Island Recap: Not Here to Train a Boyfriend