Love Island U.K. Recap: Lads on Tour

Love Island U.K.

Week Five (Episodes 28-33)
Season 7 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating 4 stars

Love Island U.K.

Week Five (Episodes 28-33)
Season 7 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating 4 stars
Photo: ITV

Week five of Love Island U.K. is available to stream now in the United Kingdom on ITV2; it will be available in the U.S. on Hulu starting the week of August 9. This recap does not cover episode 27: “Unseen Bits.”

It’s the best time of the year, and not because the Olympics are going on: It’s Casa Amor week!!! You know, the time when producers psychologically torture our islanders by splitting them up into two houses, sending in a fleet of PYTs to tempt them away from their current partners, and recoupling them all in a nearly nude version of the Prisoner’s Dilemma? The producers clearly put an untested Red Bull/Adderall combo in the Casa water this year because nearly all the boys decide it’s time to get on the public’s bad side and crack on with a new girl. But for now, there are couples to be dumped and three-legged races to be won!

Let’s Get Grafting

Before this week can begin, the islanders have to unpack everything that happened last week. After making it official, there are examinations and sports highlights for Jake and Liberty: Lib tells the girls he passed all the way up to NVQ2, and Jake reiterates that she kept good control of the ball and scored 2-0. For the rest of our islanders, at least they have Sports Day to put that energy somewhere. Chloe and Hugo and Toby all make up so we can move onto the next plotline, and Aaron tells Lucinda that he really likes her despite the fact that Lucinda’s eyes glaze over every time someone says a sentence with both an independent and dependent clause. On that note, time to surprise-eliminate a happy couple! Who could it be?

The public’s been voting for their favorite couple, and the producers save newbies Tyler and Abi (and respective partners Kaz and Toby) because they knew the U.K. would vote Toby out of there quicker than Hugo deciding to dump a very sweet, genuine girl who likes him. Aaron and Lucinda are the least favorites and are dumped from the island, and Lucinda just can’t seem to understand why someone like Molly-Mae Hague got six weeks on the villa and her own self-tanner line, while she just got Aaron. Somewhere deep in Amble, Brad is sipping coffee with the boys and smiling to himself.

Because his time in the villa is at least halfway gone, Hugo decides it’s time to make one move on a human woman. That woman is Chloe, the person he just yelled at Toby on national television for. Shocker! Luckily, Chloe seems to sense that six new hunks of man meat will be slow-mo walking into the villa shortly and shoots Hugo down because she wouldn’t want to “force it,” a.k.a. end up in the graveyard plot that producers are building right outside the front door. Hugo, once again, is forced to conclude that he probably won’t bring back a Mrs. Hammond to help teach his PE students kickball and square-dancing, but whose fault is that?

The next morning, the boys get a text: Sneak out of the villa without the girls noticing, because it’s Casa time! In what should be an Emmy-winning shot, Mille chats with the girls about how much she loves cuddling with Liam as the boys sprint out of the villa directly behind her. The next scene is filmed like a horror movie: Liberty walks outside and is confronted with the reality that the men are gone, and then there’s a whole bunch of screaming. Time to dust off those white Jeeps and bring in a whole new cast to this rented Airbnb the producers just renovated!

Check Out These Sexy Singles

On the Casa side, we have:

• Clarisse, an influencer from London who is sick of hugging her pillow and instead wants to cuddle Teddy.

• Lillie, a blonde trainee accountant who says her best feature is her feet. She clearly has been doing her research on Jake, and I’m proud of her for it!

• Amy, a girl whose face is beat so hard I’m surprised she didn’t give herself a bruise.

• Kaila, an international DJ with a bob so harsh it’s giving me Gone Girl vibes.

• Salma, a gorgeous influencer from Dublin whose hair is so long I would get worried about it trailing along the grimy Casa Amor floor.

• And Mary, another model who’s not afraid to split up a couple but wants a boyfriend who doesn’t cheat. Let’s use our one collective brain cell and think about that a little more, shall we, Mary?

The new girls seemingly wipe all memories of the boys’ partners from their minds, with only Jake deciding to fully stick with his girlfriend, Liberty. Don’t worry though, Jake will find another way to let us down: He encourages all the boys to get to know the new girls because they’re all technically “single” on a lads trip. I truly can’t tell if he’s a producer plant or just trying to get the money. Probably a little bit of both?

After taking some time to pack the boys’ luggage (Liberty sends over her bra, Millie throws in her Sagittarius necklace, and Kaz and Faye pack white jeans for the boys in the hopes that the new girls get the ick), the ladies are rewarded with a total of 36 new abs entering the villa. The new boys include:

• Dale, a barber from Glasgow who is somehow the most popular with the ladies despite being a short king.

• Jack, a cute race-car driver who has the voice and demeanor of a preschool teacher.

• Medhy, a guy so huge and so hot I was too distracted to find out who he is or what he does (I confirmed later he plays football, so bonus points for that).

• Harry, a car salesman who says he has the “gift of the gab” despite the fact that I can barely understand his thick Scottish accent. He’s the first-ever Islander who joined the cast via Tinder, so ladies, start swiping right.

• Matt, another six-foot-six man who’ll give Liam a run for his money if he steps away from Millie Moo.

• And Sam, a Love Island superfan whose teeth blinded me at first glance.

Unfortunately, the OG girls don’t seem to be interested in anyone, except for Chloe, who has so many choices that her neck is aching from all the head-turning. She’s most interested in Dale because she doesn’t like tall boys but is attracted to nice teeth and tattoos. The only thing stopping her is the chains he constantly wears. Clearly, she isn’t a fan of Normal People.

Let’s Get Grafting: Casa Amor

Casa Amor kicks things off with a game of Truth or Dare, which is essentially a game of Kiss the Islander(s) You Fancy the Most. There’s a whole lot of snogging, but here’s the highlights reel: Liam and Lillie make out with each other, Clarisse kisses Teddy; Mary snogs Toby; and Hugo likes Amy but she likes Tyler. Got it? Good. After the game, Teddy feels guilty, but Liam admits that he’s attracted to Lillie and pulls her for a chat. Maybe he’s just confused because Lillie is a similar name to Millie?

The next day, in a challenge called the Raunchy Race, the same couples make out so hurriedly that I wonder if they’re enjoying this at all. Jake and Teddy are forced to get into the mix, Jake, obviously, with some enthusiasm. Either way, both villas “win” the “challenge” and are rewarded with a party tonight. At the party, the islanders essentially decide to play a game of musical beds. Clarisse hops into Tyler’s, while Amy jumps ship and goes to Hugo’s. The next morning, Clarisse reveals to the Casa ladies that she and Tyler kissed in bed last night, and I just heard a collective groan from across the pond.

Hugo has clearly gotten a well-needed kick up the ass from the producers and finally puts the moves on Amy, which hopefully leaves her just enough time to start selecting a plot at the villa graveyard. Afterward, he says a line that will haunt me: “Now, I’m on Love Island.” Not exactly what you want to hear after sticking your tongue down a stranger’s throat, right? Hugo seems to have done this just to satisfy the show’s aim, not because he actually wants to. He should have tried out for Summer House, because clearly all he wants to do is vibe.

Something’s in the water at Casa because the men keep making poor decisions. Tyler kisses Clarisse again, Toby gets with Mary, and Liam makes out with Lillie three times. If this is some sort of “test,” Liam would get a note on the top of his paper that says, “See me after class.” Jake walks by during all of this, gasps, and surely thinks to himself, Me and Lib got this in the bag. At this point, Jake and Lib are the only ones who have even a shot at the 50,000 pounds, and that’s not even due to his encouragement — these men don’t seem to understand the point of this show, which is to couple up with someone of equal hotness and become well-liked for minimal Instagram fame and brand deals. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Let’s Get Grafting: The Villa

To rival Casa Amor, the villa plays a game of Never Have I Ever, and Chloe surprises no one by revealing that she’s cheated on a partner. She chats to Dale about how she needs a man, not a boy, and Dale reassures her that he and his chains are more manly than Toby could ever be. Faye and Millie choose not to crack on and instead enjoy time worrying about their partners cracking on with other girls, to which I say: see above. All the girls opt to sleep outside or on the couch instead of with the new boys in an intense show of loyalty that will absolutely not be reciprocated.

The next day, Kaz and Matt chat a little bit while she works out, but she seems pretty committed to Tyler and his height (again, I say: see above). Good thing the producers have a challenge in place to get the spit swapping! Competing against Casa Amor, the islanders make out so much I swear they all must have mouth herpes by now. To keep it brief, everyone is forced to kiss, including Liberty, who is literally so disgusted by the thought of kissing someone who is not Jake that she falls over.

Faye is starting to have doubts about Teddy because she’s realized he’s not funny. Faye, it’s funny you think that, because Teddy is seemingly the only loyal guy in Casa! That night, Chloe decides she’s sick of getting stung by mosquitos on the daybeds and sleeps in bed with Dale. To reward her for her efforts, the producers slip Chloe a postcard, sweetly decorated with photographs of all the Casa shenanigans. Liberty promptly throws it in the pool. Hey, the arts-and-crafts team worked all night putting that together!

The most damning photo is definitely one of Tyler and Clarisse kissing in bed, and Kaz is really upset. She starts crying, saying she feels stupid and should’ve known he was too good to be true. Kaz, you’re too good to be true. Faye starts crying out of sympathy, and then because of the picture of Teddy kissing Casa Girl No. 4 during a challenge. They decide they’re moving on, and Faye puts on the bikini she showed up to the villa in. I’m screaming at the television telling her to just wait, but Faye can’t hear me over the sounds of her flirting with Sam. I told myself I would never stand up for one of the guys on this season, but my initial reaction was right: The rest of the cast are boys, while Teddy is a man.

Matt wants to take Kaz’s mind off the postcard, and decides to do that he needs to start hitting on her with a quickness. He seems like another six-foot-six soft boy, but we’ve been down that road before: We all know what’s happening with Liam and Millie Moo. Either way, they decide to bunk together before kissing. I can’t trust any of these boys anymore, so I’m reserving any and all judgments on Matt for four to six business days.

Now that Faye is back in Cougarville, Dale has decided he wants to get to know her over Chloe, and tells her such. This causes Chloe to lose her damn mind as she ponders how she walked into Casa Amor the only single girl and still ended up alone. As much as I’ve been annoyed at Chloe in the past, I do feel bad for her in this situation — Dale was clearly using her to get into the main villa so he can recouple with the Casa girl of his dreams. Good news, though: Approximately four hours later, he comes crawling back because he was just in a silly, goofy mood before. Don’t worry, Chloe, it has nothing to do with the recouplings tonight!

Recouples Therapy

It’s the recoupling, and Laura Whitmore walks in ready to tell the girls just how slimy their male counterparts are. Chloe kicks things off by recoupling with Dale, therefore fulfilling his dreams of becoming a main cast member, and Hugo walks in with Amy. The islanders are really excited for him because they’ve never seen him interested in a Real Human Girl before. Yes, Hugo!!!

Next up, it’s Abi, who has decided not to recouple with a boy because she’s still interested in Toby. In a surprise to no one, Toby waltzes in with a new girl, Mary, and immediately looks as if he’d rather flay himself than be in this villa for one more second. The girls are appalled, and Chloe calls him a “fucking idiot.” Ladies, if you’re shocked by this, wait just two minutes!

In pretty much the only happy content we’re getting this episode, Liberty and Jake stay loyal to each other and share a sweet reunion hug. Kaz picks Matt because she saw the postcard, and when Tyler walks in with Clarisse, Kaz tells him she felt like he wasn’t being honest with her from the beginning. Good for you, Kaz, because Tyler was being faker than half the girls’ tans. Faye also chooses a new boy, Sam, because of Postcardgate, but Teddy comes back alone with her stuffed animal Milo!!! Someone get this man 50,000 pounds!!!

Finally, it’s time for the Liam/Millie recoupling we’ve been waiting for since Liam first started teasing Casa at least a week ago. Millie obviously sticks with Liam, and he comes back alone too, to her great joy. But don’t get too comfortable, Liam: It’s time to bring Lillie in here so she can squeal louder than when the girls get a text. Lillie reveals they shared a bed and kissed outside of challenges, and Millie looks as if a plate of steaming, hot garbage has been waved under her nose. This is some producer interference I can actually support: Who knows what kind of interrogation it would have taken for Millie to wrench that info out of Liam? She deserves to know that he’s the real villain of this season! Millie sobs so hard that her foundation streaks; then Liam begs for a conversation so that she can yell at him and make it all better, and yell at him she does. Millie, you deserve to get with the other six-foot-six man in the villa, and Liam, you deserve all of Twitter’s fury.

Toby’s realized he’s messed things up for the 17,000th time. His face looks like he’s solving differential equations as he thinks over who he should choose — Abi or Mary. Toby, please just stick to one before you crack on with the next girl that breathes near this villa. Meanwhile, Teddy explains to Faye that he only kissed Clarisse during Truth or Dare and never actually got with another girl. He’s completely right: For a show that claims to be taking steps to aid mental health, this was pretty horrible producer influence. Jake kissed a girl during Truth or Dare, but that wasn’t shown to Liberty because it would have been taken out of context. But they did show a misleading image to Faye, because she’s more fiery and would probably create more drama. Instead, it just caused unnecessary anguish between two people who were actually making a genuine connection. Here’s to hoping these two can work it out (and that the producers shut down their post office next season).

After the world’s messiest recoupling, I feel like Frankenstein. Am I horrified by my own creation? Maybe next week, we’ll all go running into the Arctic after Liam and hit him over the head with Millie’s Sagittarius necklace.

Dead Tings

• I think I have Stockholm Syndrome because the Just Eats birds and lizards from the U.K. commercials are really growing on me.

• Liam and Millie were apparently once in the same club at the same time. They also both farted on-camera this week. So, as much as I hate to say it, they might be soul mates.

• Official count of Olivia Rodrigo references: five.

• Lillie has a teddy bear named Bussy, which is just a deeply unfortunate name. Teddy sleeps with Faye’s stuffed animal named Milo, which I can support much more.

• I got an email this week that said the villa has already used nearly 1,000 makeup wipes, in case you’re interested.

Love Island U.K. Recap: Lads on Tour