This recap does not cover Episode 13 - Unseen Bits.
We’re three weeks in, and here’s my ranking of the islanders thus far:
1. Liberty, Kaz, and Faye
2. Literally everyone else
This week, we’ve seen Lib develop her best friendship with Kaz and her relationship with Jake, watched Kaz wear some absolutely killer outfits, and heard Faye make some of the only funny comments in this villa. We’re still waiting for more drama (and I think I’m really just spoiled by Amber from season five), and a lot of the islanders are still stuck in friendship couples or have gone home to Amble. Oops, spoiler alert maybe? Let’s get into it.
Let’s Get Grafting
A huge hunk of man meat named Teddy has just entered the villa, and the ladies have lost all sense of dignity. They would risk it all for this senior financial consultant, and I really can’t blame them: he’s the first real man we’ve had here (sorry, Hugo). Liberty immediately ensures the right women — Kaz, Rachel, Sharon and Faye — are chosen to go on speed dates, while the Naughty Trio is left to mark their territory with their respective boys.
Teddy flirts so hard with each and every woman that I truly cannot tell who he’s leaning toward; all I know is that I’m a little hot under the collar. When everyone returns, Liberty morphs into the ultimate wingwoman and hypes up each of the interested girls to Teddy. Let me just say: Liberty is some of the best casting this season. She is the mother I never had, she is the sister everybody would want, she is the friend that everybody (but especially Kaz) deserves.
That night, Chloe/Toby (Chloby) and Liam/Millie (Lillie) decide to sleep on the daybeds so they can have some privacy (save for the 12 cameras pointed toward them at all times). The next morning, Chloe tells the Naughty Trio that soccer player Toby has a 12th man in his pants, if you know what I mean. I’m sad the girls have broken up into cliques — I know Love Island is just one big version of high school in bikinis, but I feel like the girls are particularly split this year in a way that hasn’t existed in the past. Where are all the cries of girl code when you need them?
Kaz gets her revenge for last week by interrupting Chloe’s conversation with Teddy and subsequently flirting for her life. I still can’t tell who Teddy really likes — he’s having conversations with Faye, Sharon, and Rachel, and saying all the right things to each of them. The producers don’t want to start an all-out war just yet, so we’ll find out the answer soon: There’s a re-coupling tonight!
At the recoupling, there are the usual suspects — Jake/Liberty, Liam/Millie, Toby/Chloe, and Brad/Lucinda. Aaron, because he doesn’t want to lead Sharon on (don’t worry, I think breaking up with her really solidified that), picks Kaz for a friendship couple, while Hugo picks Sharon because he’s learned from his fillerist past. This leaves Teddy to choose between Faye and Rachel, and he selects Faye because of their “naughty tension.” Rachel has to go home, which is sad because we won’t get to see her beautiful walk anymore.
Now that they’re an official couple, Chloby seem to be glued together by the lips. Production, please separate them — if not, the British public will! The next morning, Toby cuts up honeydew into Chloe’s initials because he’s a “hopeless romant.” Toby, even melon can’t save you from the reckoning that’s coming for this couple.
There are three main buckets of Love Island challenges — the striptease, the secrets reveal, and the gross food challenge — and we’ve finally reached the third and most hated type of challenge. Today, the islanders have to carry a Sunday Roast across a platform using only their mouths and tits. It’s the grossest challenge yet, and I just saw Chloe and Toby make out! I know it’s tradition, but I don’t know why the show still does these disgusting challenges — the most dramatic ones are where we read mean tweets about the islanders, not ones where I see Aaron projectile-vomit pesto sauce into Kaz’s mouth.
After everyone showers off, Faye reveals that she’s scared to open up to Teddy because she doesn’t want to get hurt, even though Teddy just told her how he once got hurt by accidentally sitting on a spiked fence. Teddy reassures her by saying he’ll let her know if he turns his head, and they make out so hard her foundation leaves the premises. On the other side of the villa, Liberty feels the same way as Faye. She admits to Chloby that though she’s caught “a little bit of feels” for Jake, she’s worried about getting hurt. But she says that though she used to compare herself to girls everyday, she’s learned to love her personality and can fully be herself around Jake. ITV, here’s your new mental-health spokeswoman. Liberty Self-Confidence PSA when?
Because they spat the most food in each other’s mouths, that night Liam and Millie get a night in the Hideaway. Millie dresses as a sexy nurse and massages Liam’s back, spilling more lube onto this poor, poor bed. These two are growing on me. They could even threaten Liberty and Jake’s place as resident bimbo couple!
The next morning, Sharon issues a life-changing proclamation: she could see herself being interested in Hugo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Producers, please issue a Code Red and Stop. Everything. Lock this villa down — no one goes in or out. This is a delicate ecosystem, and we don’t want anything upsetting the balance. Wingwoman Kaz promises she’ll see what Hugo’s thinking, and we can only pray that Hugo is smart enough to take the bait.
The producers immediately ignore my cries and send Brad and Lucinda on a date. This is Brad’s first date ever, and they talk about how his head couldn’t possibly be turned like it was the other three times. Afterward, Lucinda tells the girls she’s catching some feelings despite Brad’s talkative side. Have we all just forgotten about Lucinda’s doubts last week? Maybe she’s just waiting for another man to walk in and become obsessed with her.
Hugo, evidently, is not smart enough to take the hint, despite being a literal teacher. Kaz approaches him and asks him about Sharon, and he says the relationship is platonic. Hugo, I can’t do this anymore. I’m breaking up with you. You had one chance — finally, one chance! — and you ruined it. I hope you find love with one of the many women in your Instagram DMs right now.
There’s a dumping tonight! The British public have voted on the most compatible couple, and it’s not looking good for Chloby. Because Kaz is a top-tier contestant, Kaz and Aaron are saved despite being a friendship couple, as are Jake/Liberty, Millie/Liam, and Faye/Teddy. The bottom three couples — Sharon/Hugo, Chloe/Toby, and Brad/Lucinda — are at risk of being dumped, and the couple with the least amount of votes will have to send one of their members home. Brad and Lucinda are voted least compatible, and the producers are really just evil geniuses aren’t they? Sending them on that date, fully knowing the results of this vote? The devil works hard, but Love Island works harder.
Brad immediately tells Lucinda that she should stay because he’s had his time in the villa. After lots of tears — from Brad, Lucinda, and even Jake — Brad leaves, and Faye pulls a Theo, saying Lucinda should have gone with him if she really came to the show looking for love. Yes, Faye! Give us the drama that this season needs!
Toby has finally realized that the public thinks his relationship is grosser than the villa’s makeup room after a getting-ready montage. Rightfully, Chloe is mad because if he really liked her, he wouldn’t care about what other people think. Toby makes up with Kaz to boost his popularity and get back his impending Tinder partnership, and, after a brief fight, Chloby makes up too. Until the next dumping for those two!
Lucinda has been crying all day and night, and Millie wipes away her tears with some leftover toilet paper. To cheer her up, the producers decide it’s time for a boys-versus-girls challenge, and the winner gets a new islander of the opposite sex. Finally, a reward worth fighting for! The girlies absolutely crush giant flip cup, but the boys conquer a game of Throw-the-Engagement-Ring-Onto-the-Inflatable-Penis. In a ranking of absurd reality television challenges, Love Island stands only behind Wipeout, and I’d love to see Jake fight for his life on those giant red balls.
As their prize, the boys get a 28-year-old hair technician named A.J. whose fake eyelashes look as though they’re going to leap off her face and flutter away at any moment. She immediately targets single boys Aaron and Hugo and — breaking news — says she’s excited to get to know Hugo. King, please don’t mess this up, all of the U.K. and very specific parts of the U.S. are counting on you.
Lucinda has decided she’s done enough moping about Brad because it’s been at least one business day. Liam lets her know that Aaron fancies her, and Lucinda immediately pulls him for a chat. When Aaron confirms that he’s interested, Lucinda pretends she had absolutely no idea, despite multiple cameras confirming the exact opposite. Aaron likes that she’s a chill girl, a Cool Girl, if you will. Cool Girl is hot. Cool Girl is game. Cool Girl never gets mad about fillers. She only smiles in a chagrined, loving manner and couples up to win 50,000 pounds.
The next day, A.J. tries to put the moves on Teddy, but he lets her know that he’s pretty happy with Faye. She’s basically only left with Hugo, who just told Sharon he sees her just as a little sister in one of the villa’s most awkward conversations to date. Too bad Hugo can’t flirt even when he has someone interested in him — on the terrace, A.J. tells him she wished she had kissed him harder during today’s inane challenge, and Hugo doesn’t catch that softball. Dude, it was going 10 mph and would have ended at first base. There’s only so much we can help you.
The producers decide the women have been punished enough for their challenge loss, and they decide to release the man they’ve been keeping locked up since yesterday. His name is Danny, and the shaved head and tattoos are kind of giving me skinhead vibes. Great — he’s already proved those right! Love Island has already hurt Black women so much you’d think they’d do a background check on their contestants, but guess not! Danny selects Kaz and Sharon for dates, and they both chat about his ambitions to do something other than plumbing, a.k.a. launch his high-end clothing company called Kramclo. Their logo is a question mark, which is fitting as it’s questionable how long Danny will last this season.
A.J. is fed up with Hugo’s antics and starts aggressively pursuing Liam. She says she would kiss him if he wasn’t with Millie, and he awkwardly laughs before immediately gossiping about everything A.J. said with Millie. Liam seems pretty loyal to her, but this could all be messed up if A.J. chooses Liam at tonight’s re-coupling and Millie gets dumped. At least there’d finally be some good drama this season though!
• Whenever Liam and Millie kiss, the editors play an acoustic cover of a decidedly weird song — one time it was “What’s Up” and another it was “Mr. Brightside.” Are they the least favorite production couple? We’ll see on Sunday!!
• Everyone eats ice pops this week, which is some of the only food I’ve seen them eat besides cheese toasties.
• What are those odd little purses Sharon and Kaz carried out of the villa on their dates with Danny? Sharon’s looked like a toolbox, and she didn’t even get to bring it into the date! Is that the new chic way to hold your mic pack?
• These girlies really need face powder — for the second time this season, someone’s foundation was transferred to a guy’s face while they were making out. Can we get a bottle of setting spray on hand, please?
• Jake likes to have sex to T-Pain’s “I’m Sprung.”
• Running count of Olivia Rodrigo references: three (two songs, one mention when Hugo said he wanted to be “happy and healthy” in five years)