Not everyone is blessed with the gift of foresight, nor does it hit everybody in the same manner. In our case, we paid for an invite-only version of Co — Star called Co — Star Plus+ that gives us the ability to actually see the future. However, our powers are limited to the ability to see the future career successes of the children of celebrities. Some might call this useless, but when we made thousands of dollars betting against a potential Kate Hudson Oscar win for Almost Famous, nobody was laughing. The coming generation of nepo babies has a lot to live up to, with the current generation of Hollywood nepotism hires having had great success: Ben Platt won a Tony, Dan Levy won four Emmys, Grace Gummer was in an episode of Smash with Ryan Tedder, and so on. In an effort to prepare ourselves for our predestined celebrity overlords, we’ve peered into our crystal balls, shuffled our tarot cards, and read so many tea leaves the Sleepytime Bear is worried about our tea intake, just to assure the determinations, below, are guaranteed to be happening in our future.
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1. Following her Grammy win, Blue Ivy Carter achieves EGO status before the age of 25 and discovers her love of playwriting in pursuit of a Tony.
2. In an attempt to live up to her name, Rumi Carter becomes our youngest poet laureate in history. Unfortunately, a group of American poets stage a coup after her twin, Sir Carter, leaks that she has been lying about her synesthesia, and a 103-year-old Billy Collins is reappointed to the position.
3. North West is a best-selling author following the release of her book Directionless: Finding Myself in a Family of “Me,” which is ghostwritten by Donna Tartt.
4. Elon Musk’s son X Æ A-Xii goes to Stanford University for philosophy and engineering but is most interested in being a part of the Stanford Improvisers (SImps). By his senior year, X is the third funniest member of the troupe, much to the jealousy and chagrin of his father.
5. Rihanna’s son directs a film about the Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard lawsuit from Heard’s perspective and is promptly disowned by his mother.
6. Zaya Wade (daughter of Dwyane) is the president of the United States of America and controversially orders thousands of drone strikes in Australia.
7. Zahara Jolie runs Caitlyn Jenner over with her car and is considered a national hero.
8. Wanda Sykes’s twins Olivia and Lucas are restaurateurs known for their frighteningly blunt manner of telling chefs their food is not good.
9. Kulture Kiari Cephus walks in her progressive mom Cardi B’s footsteps and starts a charity called Red Bottoms, Not Red Bottoms, where people donate designer shoes to raise money to End Spanking. Corporal punishment is successfully outlawed in all 50 states in 2040.
10. Kate Hudson’s daughter Rani Rose Hudson Fujikawa stars in the reboot of Glee as a deaf student with perfect pitch and is promptly canceled.
11. Jamie Oliver’s child River Rocket Blue Dallas Oliver will usurp his older sibs (Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, Petal Blossom Rainbow, and Buddy Bear Maurice) to become a Tory MP who passes legislation banning all lunches from public schools.
12. Katharine McPhee’s son, Rennie David Foster, runs a failed gubernatorial bid as a Log Cabin Republican. He dates Christian Walker in a May-December romance. They are put on the cover of Out magazine following their engagement.
13. Andy Cohen’s daughter, Lucy, becomes a rad Reconstructionist rabbi who does an annual summer residency at the Fire Island Synagogue. Her Friday-night services are the hottest ticket on the Eastern seaboard.
14. Nick Cannon’s children are known for leading a large-scale unionization movement, following their own unionization efforts against their father, which are ultimately unsuccessful.
15. Lisa Barlow’s sons’ company, Fresh Wolf, replaces Tom Ford as the most-sought-after male-grooming brand on the market.
16. Tempest DuJour’s kids are world-renowned zoologists.
17. Ashley Tisdale’s daughter Jupiter finds the cure for cancer.
18. Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti’s son, Beaumont Gino, marries a Kennedy.
19. Hilary Duff’s daughter Banks Violet Bair saves pop music with her cover of her mother’s song “Sparks,” which goes to No. 1 in 83 countries.
20. Stormi breaks the internet. Literally. She releases a virus that ends the internet. Society has to rebuild from scratch.
More on the year of the nepo baby
- We’re Making Nepo-Baby Merch for Actual Babies
- These Magazines Ran on Nepo Babies
- How a Nepo Baby Is Born
