Something you hear on reality TV all the time, especially on Housewives, is someone doesn’t like someone else because they are jealous of the life they have. Usually, I say this is bullshit. The reason they hate someone isn’t that they’re jealous; it’s because that person is horrible and treats them like crap. Well, I have finally found the exception, and I have to say Adriana is jealous of Larsa, and this is the only reason she is freaking out at her in a Miami restaurant about the size of Kanye West’s dingaling. Sorry. About the size of Ye’s badongadong.
This whole fight is absolutely crazy because Adriana makes it up out of thin air. If a fight were an air fryer, it would be this one. They’re at dinner at some outside restaurant with Kiki, and Larsa is wearing a dress that doesn’t have a slit, it has a whole chasm. This has nothing to do with the drama, but her wee willie winkie is about to come out to play, the dress is so revealing. (Not that it’s bad; it is just … noticeable.) They’re all getting raunchy at the table, talking about the guys they like and telling the cute waiter that for dinner they’d like some dicks on a plate please. Hold the cheese.
Larsa mentions she likes guys who are tall, dark, and handsome. Adriana, sensing the opening she’s been waiting months for, says, “Like Kanye West? What is up with you and Kanye West?” Like the rest of the Daily Mail–reading world, Adriana wants to know the hot goss with Larsa and Kim Kardashian West and why they hate each other or whatever. Larsa says in a confessional that she was always a good friend to Kim but she got in the middle of Kim and Ye’s relationship, and that is why they aren’t friends anymore. She knew too much. Hmmm. I don’t really buy it, but sure. Adriana says it may have something to do with her dating Khloé Kardashian’s man, Tristan Thompson. (As the president and founder of the Real Housewives Institute, I am only fluent in all things Bravo and don’t really speak Kardashians. I know the players but not the game, as it were, so excuse any mistakes.)
As Larsa tells the group about how she is still friends with Kim and Ye and loves them, Adriana just barks, “What happened? Tell me!” Girl, if that trick worked, I would know the name, age, and shoe size of every closeted actor in Hollywood because every time I meet an agent, I would just shout, “Who’s gay? Tell me!” When Larsa doesn’t tell her, Adriana tells a story about how she went to the bathroom at Art Basel and Kanye was in there peeing and she saw his dick and it was big and thick.
I have so many questions about this story. I am a dude, and I have been at lots of urinals next to a lot of dudes, and even if I were to glance, I don’t think I would get a good look. Adriana is a woman, so why were they in the same bathroom? And if Ye was at a urinal, how close did she have to get to see that it was big and thick? Wouldn’t he have been like, “Hey, lady, get out of here”? And if he was in a stall, how did she even see it? Did she plop her head on his shoulder and be like, “Want me to hold it?” Or maybe it was a one-toilet-per-room scenario and he was standing at the toilet, but again, how did she get so close to really discern such a thing? I need diagrams. I need scale models. I need a Zapruder film so we can launch a congressional investigation into this very important incident.
Much like Larsa, I don’t believe this story really happened, which makes what happens next sting that much more. Larsa reasonably asks that Adriana not tell this story about people she knows because she finds it inappropriate. Then Adriana says, “Well, let me finish my story about Kanye’s dick.” How much story is left? You went to the bathroom, you saw the D, it was big. Unless you touched it, this story is complete. Still, Adriana refuses to let it drop. When Larsa tells her to tell the story when she’s not around, Adriana says, “What, I can’t tell the story of my life?” As Larsa tells her, tell literally any other story. Adriana makes it out like she’s trying to silence her and she doesn’t want Adriana to tell any story about people in her life who are public fig-ers (as Larsa pronounces it).
There’s a back and forth, and it gets louder and louder, mostly on Adriana’s part. Larsa says that if Adriana goes to 100, she’ll go to 200. Adriana calls her a bitch and starts screaming and acting like Cerberus if he just lost one of his heads and it was lobbed off by a flaming sword made of Ye’s penis. This is why I hate Adriana: She misunderstands what is going on, gets really loud, and thinks that makes her right somehow. It’s not an argument, it’s a verbal tsunami, and you either go limp and let it carry you away or you are crushed under the weight of it.
Larsa does the right thing and walks away, but they can’t keep it from coming up again at Guerdy’s fashion event for needy children in Haiti. Just what Haiti needs. There is a hurricane, an earthquake, another hurricane, a presidential assassination, and now they have to suffer the indignity of an argument about whether it’s okay to talk about Ye’s Easy Peezy Lemon Yeezy at a restaurant.
Before Larsa arrives, Adriana tells Alexia, “Larsa freaked out at me for no reason.” Dude. First of all, you freaked out. Secondly, Larsa had a reason: She didn’t want to hear you talking about this dude’s dick when she knows (and it seems maybe hates) the dude involved. I hate Jamie Dornan so much I don’t want to hear about his dick. (He knows what he did.) When Larsa shows up (with a hot-ass mystery man) and explains what really happened, even Alexia is like, “Adriana, you have to respect what she says.” Yes. No one thinks Adriana is right about bringing this up.
As they start to argue again, Larsa says she’s not used to being in situations in which she tells someone something that makes her uncomfortable and they talk about it anyway. “Why, because you’re queen bee?” Adriana asks. No, because she’s a normal human being who is friends with normal people who don’t get off on upsetting others for no good reason.
This gets to the heart of why Adriana is mad. It has nothing to do with Ye or his manhood. She thinks Larsa has always acted as if she’s better than her, and now that she’s gone to Hollywood and made friends with famous people, it’s even worse. Yeah, Larsa acts bored around the group, but that has always been her affect. It doesn’t seem any better or worse than it ever did. This is Adriana making herself feel inferior. It is her being jealous and concocting a fight out of something ridiculous to prove her point.
As the discussion continues, Adriana says that when she brought up Ye, Larsa flipped. “You went psycho,” Adriana says, to which the only apt response is the one Larsa gave. “I went psycho?” Yes, that’s right: Adriana flew off the handle and is now accusing Larsa of the very thing she did. I am exhausted. Almost as exhausted as I was when Larsa said, “I have the best résumé in the group. I was married the longest and had the most kids,” as if that somehow translates to virtue. I mean, Genghis Khan had, like, 14 children. Does that make him a saint or something? And while we’re at it, Ye has four. How do you feel about him? Tell me!