I always say that all arguments in late-stage Housewifery are really arguments about being on the show, and nowhere was this more evident than this episode. I’m glad they’re finally fighting. This is why we need them all together to start to have some beef and see where the dynamics in the group really lie. Some women come out looking good, some come out looking bad, and some come out of the tub dripping water and threatening everyone with their enormous fake boobs.
The worst thing in the whole episode is Larsa is packing for the group Hamptons trip, and she calls either her ex-husband Scottie or her son Scott Jr. It’s unclear who she was trying to talk to, but Scott the son answers and is like, “I’m doing something with Dad, and we can’t talk right now.” He pauses the FaceTime and refuses to talk to her when she insists that she’s busy too and she just needs two minutes of his time. The two Scotts then give her the silent treatment. Just ignore her. His own mother! Who gave him birth and introduced him to OnlyFans. No matter who she is trying to connect with, this is bad. Either she was calling Scott and his father was sitting right there and let him disrespect his mother like that, or she was calling Scottie and he showed his son that it is acceptable to ignore and disrespect his mother. I would have hung up the phone, gotten on a plane to Los Angeles, ordered a Prime Pizza on the way from the airport so it would be waiting for me when I got home, and then beaten them both about the head and neck region until they never ignored my phone calls ever again.
All of the women, minus Guerdy, who has to hang back a day, pull up to the Hamptons house, and for just a second, I wish it were the Summer House house. Bravo rented it the whole summer, couldn’t they have given it to Peacock for a discount? Could we at least get a crossover episode? I mean, Luke would hook up with Adriana for shizz.
Like it always does, the drama starts when we get to the room selections for two reasons. The first is that Adriana thinks she and Julia deserve the primary bedroom. (The chyron said “master bedroom,” but we don’t say that anymore. Bad chyron!) Adriana feels so adamantly about it that she gets naked, fills up the tub, and starts splashing around in it to scare the other women off. This is the Housewife equivalent of pissing on your territory and it should be no surprise to anyone that Ramona Singer, the queen of the room thieves, used this exact same tactic on Real Housewives: UGH.
However, the real reason isn’t that Adriana wants to sleep in the lap of luxury. “Why does Lisa always get the best room? Why does Larsa get the best room? They’re not the queen bees,” Adriana says. I shouldn’t even have to translate this from English to Housewife, but what she means is, “I should be full time and get to ‘host’ the trips and get the best rooms because these women are not bringing any of the drama, and I was here first.” I don’t even need to translate because Adriana does it for us. “Larsa’s been MIA for ten years from this group and thinks she’s going to come back in at the top.” Yes, she does, because she now has Kardashian-level followers and Adriana is still posting grainy selfies on Instagram to the 100 people in the “Miami art world” (and I use that term loosely) who care.
A parallel flight is happening downstairs, where Lisa informs the group that she will not be sharing a room with anyone. Why? “That’s just not what I do.” Please sing “She Blinded Me With Entitlement” to the tune of “She Blinded Me With Science.” When they try to find her other people to share with or other scenarios that might work, she just keeps repeating, “I don’t share rooms. I want my own room,” like she’s Dorothy and this is going to magically bring her back to Kansas with a killer pair of sparkly red shoes. This is not a solution. Wishing for an unrealistic outcome won’t work when there is a scarcity of space. It’s like trying to fit a 12-foot dildo in a … well, you get the idea.
When Alexia points this out to Lisa, who can’t seem to listen to reason or figure out simple math problems about getting nine women into five rooms, Lisa gets upset with her for “snapping” at her. Dr. Nicole takes Lisa’s side, though there is not much of a side to be on, and then Alexia and Marysol get upset with her. Nicole says that there is a two-tiered system and “the girls who have been friends for longer have a sense of entitlement,” meaning she feels like a second-class citizen as a new cast member over the women who have returned. Again, a fight not about rooms but the reality television arts and sciences.
Dr. Nicole should be paying attention because the same topic is really at the center of Marysol talking shit about her at dinner. When everyone sits down (except Lisa, who is getting her hair done because the only thing she is bringing to the table is glam, apparently), Marysol says, “Let’s play a game. Let’s go around the table and say who here you trust the least.” This is not a game, this is a torture chamber. This is a producer-induced prompt or a Marysol-induced invitation to the Hunger Games. Either way, it totally works.
Marysol says the person she trusts the least is Dr. Nicole because she knows people who know Nicole and they said that she talked shit about Lisa and Larsa before. She’s very cryptic about this information, and as Wikipedia would say, citation needed, so we don’t have the full story. But why trust Marysol? She literally could have said, “People told me that you told them that you used to dress up like a clown and murder babies in the maternity ward.” I only wish that noted bar passer Shane Simpson were in the room so he could shout, “Objection, your honor. Hearsay.”
Dr. Nicole says yes, she thought she and Lisa didn’t have the same style and might not get along. She also said she didn’t like Larsa’s OnlyFans, but then she met Lisa and she did her research into Larsa’s OF (as the kids call it) and decided she did like Lisa and that what Larsa is doing isn’t that bad.
Dr. Nicole enters the chat and doesn’t choose violence or chaos; she chooses reason and nuance, two things that will never work with a group of reality television professionals. Well, it does work on Lisa because she is like, “Eh, I’m not that mad about it.” However, Larsa believes that Dr. Nicole did call her a “hooker” and tells her that she should just own it and apologize. I don’t think Nicole ever said the word “hooker,” but I could hear her saying to a friend that she thought OF was gross and she didn’t want to be on a show with this lady and then changing her mind. As Dr. Nicole says, anyone who didn’t judge all the other women based on their social media before meeting her is a total liar, and not even a pretty little liar at that.
They’re all going hard at Dr. Nicole. They start talking about how she had an ex-husband who was a teacher and she left him for her new, rich fiancé. (Dr. Nicole says they were separated for two years before her new relationship.) Then Larsa says she didn’t judge Nicole for having a child out of wedlock, which is the dumbest, most antiquated bullshit I have ever heard, and I went to Catholic school, so I got my fill of dumb, antiquated bullshit. I wish Julia had said at the table what she said in confessional, that she has three children from three different fathers, none of whom she was married to. Why are you bringing this weak-ass sauce to the barbecue, Larsa? But what they’re all really mad about is their position on the show. They’re all mad that Nicole is full time and some of them are not. They’re mad that they don’t get the best room when there would be no show without them. Nicole is mad that she is the new face of the show and isn’t getting the respect she deserves. It’s all the show, the show, the show, but hey, as long as these women are fighting and together, I couldn’t be happier with, yes, the show.