I know I keep harping on the use of “To Be Continued …” this season, but at this point, when I see the credits rolling over a fight, I’m like, “They’re not. No. They can’t. Oh, yup. They are. Damn it!!” This week, the “Damn it!!” was followed by me throwing a half-full can of red Fanta across the room and ruining what used to be a very nice Jill Zarin rug I got on Overstock dot com. Are they going to TBC that lame-ass fight between Shannon and Gina that even they don’t care about? The fight about whether or not Shannon is jealous of Gina? This gaseous fart cloud of discontent that isn’t even so bad you run from it, just bad enough that you sit there and suffer through it because you know it will dissipate before you even have the time to stand up? This fight?
It is the perfect cap to an otherwise boring episode, like putting arsenic sprinkles on an asbestos sundae. As mad as I am about the TBC, I am even more upset about the infomercial for the Dubrow Method, a lifestyle cult that teaches you how to make your marriage last. Its tenets include plastic surgery, diet, exercise, fashion, having lots of generational wealth, and maybe something having to do with Malibu Country. Yes, it’s very relatable.
I thought that what we were getting this season was really just to keep the Dubrows top of mind so that Botched would continue to have a life and Evolution Media, which makes both RHOC and Botched (as well as RHOBH and Vanderstupid Drools), would make even more money. But no! This whole season is just a backdoor trailer for this stupid 7 Year Stitch show that the Dubrows did that will be on E Exclamation Point on Periodt. That’s why we’re getting Heather Fix My Life all season. It’s not to finally bring an aspirational lifestyle back to the OC; it’s so we’ll tune in to see Heather fix a marriage after she shopped Gina’s closet and failed to bring Dr. Jen and Orange Ryne back together.
To execute all of this, we get a jumble of scenes about Heather and Terry being TV producers and making this show and all this boring shit that is happening behind the scenes that none of us cares about. Then they cut to the “wrap party,” which is usually a celebration for the cast and crew, but all of Heather and Terry’s friends are also invited. This is really a “We Made a TV Show and We Want to Put It on Our Other TV Show” party, and it is held in their basement, which has a bunch of arcade games and a giant #PLAY sign in the corner. I’m sorry, but if you have a light-up sign in your house with an actual hashtag, you are sentenced to three squillion years in style prison without parole. Not even Emily and the Innocence Project can get you off.
The only good thing about this party is that we find out that Heather and Terry are couple BFFs with Richard Marx and Daisy Fuentes, the former MTV VJ who now sells $300 million worth of clothes at Kohls every year, according to her Wikipedia. First of all, how did no one know that she and Richard Marx were married, and why are we not talking about this almost as much as we’re talking about West Elm Caleb or Ikea Kevin or Jennifer Convertibles Joe or whatever the fuck his name was? Also, if Heather is BFFs with Daisy Fuentes, why is she not on this damn show? Andy Cohen! I want my MTV (VJ)!
There are some Emily Simpson bits and bobs this week that are great. We finally see Shane get sworn in for the California Bar, and he is so excited he brings most of his kids, his parents, his sister, his cousin, his masseuse, the neighbor’s dog, and the barista who makes his no-caf, no-fat latte with three pumps of caramel every morning. It actually makes me kind of like Shane. We also see Emily meet with someone who was freed from prison for a crime he didn’t commit because she’s now using her reality-star money to volunteer for the California Innocence Project, and I can think of no Housewife who has used her platform or her talents better except maybe when Lydia MacLaughlin used her talent to disappear twice. That was a good use of her talents.
Speaking of old Housewives, Dr. Jen has a party for her new brain scan machine, and Jeana Keough is there. Does this mean we get an update about her son Shane, my all-time No. 1 crush object and an absolute gentleman? Also invited to the party is Gina’s ex-husband Matt, a slimy little hairball of a crush object himself who would be right at home in an RHONJ bro-down, and his girlfriend, Britt. The problem is that everyone thinks that Britt looks just like Kelly Dodd. It’s not like they are twins, but they share a striking resemblance. We don’t get to see much of Britt, but why can’t we get her on the show too? I mean, I have already fixed this cast, and all I had to do was watch one episode. (And while we’re on the topic of Kelly Dodd, I might not always agree with her politically, but I do miss having her around.)
The one person who is almost not invited to the Brain Party is Noella because Dr. Jen is still mad about her whispering about her in the last episode. We see Heather tell her that if she’s uncomfortable, she should disinvite Noella, which is a stupid move. Yes, there is always a risk she will do something untoward at your party, but if you disinvite her, there is a certainty that she will do something untoward the next time you see her. Noella, who apparently has no friends other than her castmates and her mother, comes to the party and talks shit about Jen behind her back at her own party, the way God and the Housewives intended.
The party seems fun, and people enjoy getting their brains scanned, even though it takes Emily 15 minutes without a drink or some of the KFC that Heather brought. No one likes Jen’s long, boring explanation of brains and how she will help people with their brains at her plastic-surgery clinic, but there are just as many people yawning watching this episode as there are at that party. And those people at the party don’t even have to deal with an anti-climactic TBC either. Ugh. Pass the chicken.