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The Real Housewives of Orange County Season-Premiere Recap: Judge, Jury, Executioner

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Here Comes the Judge
Season 17 Episode 1
Editor’s Rating 2 stars

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Here Comes the Judge
Season 17 Episode 1
Editor’s Rating 2 stars
Photo: Bravo

You’re probably sick of hearing me say it because I say it so often, but in Late Stage Housewifery, all fights on the show are about the show. The only phrases I might say more often are “Is there any chocolate?” and “Wow, these poppers are strong!” But this premiere of the Real Yoga Pants of Fashion Island Aunt Annie’s Pretzels is taking it to another level with the reintroduction of our once and future champion, Tamra Barney Judge.

Tamra roars back to life alone on her motorcycle as she gets closer and closer to her even-hotter-than-before husband, who is ensconced in Live, Laugh, Love Manor brought to you by Homegoods. This is actually Tamra’s old house made to look new, and now it comes with her mother, Sandy, in their “casita.” However, it just looks like, I don’t know, a screened-in porch they turned into an in-law apartment and then tested for moans to ensure Tamra’s 17-year-old daughter upstairs doesn’t hear Grandma getting it on with her boyfriend.

Anyway, Emily and Shannon talk about Tamra when they meet up for a hike, though the most shocking thing we see (perhaps this entire episode) is when Emily drinks out of Archie’s dog bowl before throwing the rest of the water on the parched California earth. They start talking about Tamra, and Shannon says that as soon as Tamra got fired, she started talking all of this trash about her on podcasts. We hear clips of Tamra saying that Shannon has a drinking problem, that she’s a user, and that there were only ever eight lemons in that bowl and she’s been lying about it this whole time.

Tamra has already been talking shit about Emily in the press, calling her an angry person, but then she also says that Shannon ghosted her. That she tried to call and reach out, but once she was off the show, Shannon had no use for her. Shannon says that Tamra was trying to pick a fight with her in the press so that she would be relevant again. Tamra says that Shannon just doesn’t like hearing the truth and that the truth is that she is selfish and a bad friend. I mean, duh, Tamra. We’ve watched the past eight seasons of the show. We know that Shannon is more self-absorbed than a narcissist made entirely out of sponges.

Compare this to the weird fight between Gina and Heather Dubrow, the world’s worst nurse, who is trying to take care of her husband, Leather Jacket Dubrow, using only butt touches and foot rubs. Heather thinks that she and Gina had a great bond going and then Gina just dumped her and stopped responding to her texts. Heather says that Gina canceled on her multiple times but then would post online that she was at events with some of the other ladies on the show, namely her bestie Emily.

Heather is upset because, she says, “I thought we were friends friends,” meaning that she thought they were friends not just on the show but off it as well. Then Gina pops by the house. I’m sorry, but in this day and age, that is psychopathic behavior. If a friend just rang the doorbell without calling, texting, Instagram DM-ing, Grindr tapping, or BeReal posturing, I would lose my fucking mind. The only thing worse than that is leaving a voice-mail.

When Gina’s at the house, she gives some bizarre excuse about her kids and their camp and going to New York and all of this bullshit that doesn’t make sense unless you have breathed ample quantities of minivan oxygen in the past 30 days. Then she says she didn’t invite Heather to some events because she didn’t think she was fancy enough for them. Heather scoffs at this, as did Terry when he brought up the same idea early. I’m sorry, you can’t make your personal brand being above it all and have your tagline be “If you want to reach my standards, you better get a ladder” and then get mad when people don’t invite you to things because there aren’t going to be cloth napkins and a silent auction.

But there is a subtle difference between these two fights. The one between Heather and Gina is of an old variety. Yes, it is a fight about whether or not they’re real friends or show friends, which is essentially a fight about the show. But the show stuff is all subtext that they’re not addressing. The fourth wall is fully intact.

In the fight between Tamra and Shannon, the fourth wall has been demolished by a Kool-Aid Man called Two T’s in a Pod. This is literally a fight on the show about being on the show, it is a fight about what happens when you are kicked off the show, and it is a fight about what happens when you come back on the show. As far as I’m concerned, this is the final frontier of Housewifery. It removes any subtext about the show and makes it text.

I’m usually all for the women talking about what it is like to make this product for us, how it affects their lives, and how fame and the trappings of it affect their interpersonal dynamics. But when all that we have left to fight about is the show itself, when the only thing that unites these women is a love for the Reality Television Arts and Sciences, I’m afraid the plot is entirely lost. Also, as viewers, part of the fun is sussing out why these women are really at each other’s throats. Yeah, Heather and Gretchen Rossi fought about who was going to be on Malibu Country, which was a fight about who is actually an actress and who was asked because she is a Housewife. The fun was figuring this out and talking about it on Twitter, in the comments section of recaps, and out loud to our actual friends with mouths and ears who sit in front of us. If you take off the shroud of secrecy, this is just a workplace drama where no one is happy.

Also, in this episode, we meet Jenn, a woman with more children than she has consonants in her name, and that is already with a vanity N tacked on. Because of the Eileen Davidson Accord, we cannot officially judge Jenn yet, but I would like to make some observations. (1) Her boyfriend, who she met at CUT Fitness (RIP), is hot. (2) The name of her yoga studio is Devi Rebel Yoga, but based on the sign, it looked like Devl Rebel Yoga as if it was named after both Rebel Wilson, no one’s favorite Australian, and Devl, which is “Devil” with no i, which is probably the name of an app for Satanists. (3) Her family lives in Oklahoma, where it runs a business. Since it’s in Oklahoma, it probably concerns one of the state’s two greatest exports: oil and flatness. Her ex runs the family business, and during the divorce they wanted to take his side rather than hers. When your own mother takes your ex’s side, that means you are entirely busted, Lenny Hochstein, or, most likely, both.

Jenn gets all of the ladies together for a yoga retreat or, if you’re Shannon Storms Beador, a “Delicately falling over in front of other, more agile people” retreat. This is the first time she and Tarma have spoken since shortly after Tamra was put on a quick but generous pause by Andy Cohen, the Devl himself. Just as Emily and Gina tell Tamra that she needs to tell Shannon how hurt she was by being “ghosted,” Shannon sidles up to the buffet just in time to hear their whole conversation. Gina is right: Never talk shit in front of the food. Also, never talk shit by the bar, in the toilet when you can’t see who is in the stalls, in the coat-check line, or really within a 20-minute radius of the person who you are shit-talking. That’s what Jesus and my mother call manners.

They exchange sweet pleasantries, and Shannon tells Tamra how great her life is while she has no idea that her relationship is crumbling around her and John’s just waiting until filming is over to totally dump her ass. Tamra says, in contrast, her life sucks. Her gym is gone, her dog died, and her mother has a boyfriend who looks like an extra from Dumb and Dumber: The Musical. It’s all horrible. But they seem to make up, and they seem to be doing well. It seems like it’s just open road, like it’s only sunshine, scrub plants, and California mudslides as far as the eye can see. Then we get a preview of the shouting we’re about to see next week. Shouting about the show on the show about the show on the show, round and round, like a donut on a motorcycle, until all that’s left is a wall of smoke and an unmistakable stench.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Season-Premiere Recap