The Real Housewives of Potomac
I know we’ve been going hard on what exactly is happening with Candiace that has her beginning feuds with just about every living, breathing human in the tristate area. But I think it’s time we talk about what the fuck is happening with Karen. Another related question might be “What the hell is happening with the state of marriage?,” because I’m completely unclear how any of Karen’s actions are solving any of her reported problems. Listen, I’m aware that turning 30 is a sort of crossroads for anyone, but Karen, I need you to get it together. Karen is basically living the first third of Sex and the City 2, when Carrie is upset that her old-ass husband doesn’t want to go out to a movie premiere or restaurant opening every night. Because throwing a party in which your husband goes to sleep in the middle is not how you bring the spice back into your relationship, especially if you’re 23 and your husband is 129 years old.
In addition to Karen’s mishandling of her party and multiple outfit changes, there’s also something happening with the men in Potomac. Ray is walking away during a party, Chris doesn’t think he has to go on a date with his wife because she can hire whatever household help she wants, and Jamal is just … being Jamal. I never thought we’d end up here, but Juan and White Chris are holding it down. Let’s get to it.
Gizelle takes her daughter to a dance class that I can only believe was set up just for them, because when it’s time for the class to take a stretch, everyone leaves the room so Gizelle can grill Grace about her dad … again. Because Grace is 14, she’s not great reality-TV material and just keeps rolling her eyes at her mom, asking why she’s so bothered with Jamal and Gizelle getting back together. This comes up again, but my God, Gizelle, it does not take a genius to figure out why a 14-year-old child, who probably witnessed her mother go through some dark times because of her father’s infidelity, wouldn’t want to have her mother get back together with her dad. I can only assume there are hundreds of films in the Lifetime TV-movie canon dedicated to this very idea. I say assume because I refuse to watch anything that centers white lumberjacks in small towns rediscovering their love for family, faith, and football. They have enough representation.
Meanwhile, Karen has her weird little “assistant” “Matt” coming over to help her work with a filmographer, a stylist, and a model to record a video invite to her housewarming party. For a house she’s allegedly renting. Ray’s idea of a good party would be to sit down with their friends and eat toast and drink coffee. What kind of Dickensian celebration would that be? Also, Karen says that her marriage is stressed because she’s devoted herself 150 percent to La’Dame perfume. Karen. Karen. KAREN. La’Dame perfume is not the reason Ray wants to sit with his friends and eat hot dry bread and drink hot bean water.
Karen hires a model to perform a medieval-style song inviting them to the Huger estate. The show intercuts all the other women watching and reacting to the video. Reactions vary from “watching two geese in the street fight” to “seeing your ex-boyfriend is engaged to some woman he met like ten minutes ago.”
Wendy and Robyn head out for a picnic with their kids. Wendy doesn’t hesitate to remind us that she has five degrees and her husband also has multiple degrees. Wendy even says that when her kids misbehave, she takes them into her study to have them stare at her degrees. I don’t feel I’m adequately prepared to discuss this parenting decision, so I kindly invite all the Nigerians to sound off in the comments because THIS. WAS. A. LOT. But Robyn and Wendy seem to be getting along as their kids climb onto each other’s heads. The topic of conversation turns to Ashley and Candiace, and Wendy reveals that Candiace had some choice words to describe Gizelle. She called Gizelle a monster, and I don’t care who you are — if you’re telling something to Robyn, Gizelle is hearing it. I guess Wendy didn’t watch an episode of this show before she joined the cast. Wendy also says she doesn’t know if Karen is still popping that pussy in a handstand. Pussy-popping in a handstand? In this economy? In this pandemic? Please.
It’s time for another reconciliation attempt between Candiace and Ashley. Ashley manages to hit every single chair and table with her stroller on the way in. HERE. IS. THE. ISSUE. Candiace says she wants to be accountable for what she says and what she does. She makes a big show of performing contrition, but if you look closely at what she’s saying, she’s not … actually apologizing. She was tweeting horrible things about Ashley. “I stopped and you don’t give me any respect for that.” Ma’am. You don’t get credit for not calling her a roach once you’ve already started. Ashley was actually in labor when Candiace was tweeting those things. “I don’t follow you on Instagram, and if I had known that, I probably wouldn’t have said that.” PROBABLY?!?! You probably wouldn’t have called her a white man’s concubine if you had known she was in labor. Goddamn it, Candiace! “I understand that the way I opined was hurtful to you.” CANDIACE. You weren’t just musing about the best season of Project Runway. “I apologize for not being as sensitive as you needed me to be.” FUCK. This is insanity. Just apologize for saying completely hurtful things because you wanted to hurt her feelings. Ashley is willing to forgive but reminds Candiace that she shouldn’t hold a grudge. Rdsahfjkahwejjjk … I’m sorry, I passed out on the keyboard from laughing so hard when Candiace said she was working on not holding grudges.
Robyn tells Gizelle that Wendy told her that Candiace called Gizelle a monster, because of course she did. The only fantastic thing about this is Robyn answering a FaceTime call during a lash-extension appointment.
Later that night, Monique is putting her kids to bed with minimal help from Chris. Does anyone think that Chris does much of anything with his kids? He clearly loves them and loves having kids, but has this man ever drawn a bath for one of his babies? Monique says that she would like Chris to ask her how her day is or make her a plate of food at the end of the day. Chris just says, “Well, you used to cook.” Why even are men? What is the point of them? Monique says she would love some help around the house, some date nights, and some more romance, and Chris wants Monique to bang him more. Sir, she had a baby a few months ago. She’s probably sitting on an ice pack when the cameras aren’t rolling, and your response to her asking for a little solidarity as a parent is “You can just hire some more people.” He also says that he’ll seduce her like she wants, but she can’t complain about being tired when he does. MAYBE IF YOU WASHED A DISH OR LET HER SLEEP IN she wouldn’t be too tired to even conceptualize looking at your penis at the end of the day. Chris says he’ll plan a date, but he plans on something else that night. Nothing like a completely transactional approach to relationships to set the mood!
Gizelle has her friend Kal come over to address a positively busted wig. Gizelle brings up the fact that her adolescent children have some discomfort over their family structure possibly returning to one that brought them and their mother pain. Gizelle can’t get past what seems to be a pretty traditional view of family structures, in which once the parents make a decision, any negative emotional reaction by the kids is them “not getting what’s good for them.” She also thinks that they can just turn on affection for their father in a heartbeat. Kal reminds her that she has to lead with love and demonstrate that Jamal is someone who can be trusted, because, to their kids, Jamal is an untrustworthy person. Learning to forgive is something very tough, and her kids probably don’t have the skills to figure out if they want to forgive their dad, and Gizelle just going “ISN’T IT GREAT THAT WE’RE BACK TOGETHER!?!?!?” probably isn’t getting them there.
It’s time for Karen’s party and WOW. What a night. Can you imagine being able to have people inside your home, put your face next to theirs, give them an air-kiss and then hug them? Everyone is questioning why Ray’s name wasn’t on the invitation … or on the decorations … and why he’s asleep in a rocking chair in the corner with a crab cake on his lap. Robyn arrives and she’s carrying three pizzas. Robyn is a genius. Robyn is amazing. Karen screeches and pretends that it’s totally fine that Robyn brought pizzas.
Gizelle and Candiace step to the side to have a little chat. Gizelle gets it going by asking, “So I’m a monster now, huh, bitch?” Yes. Give me THIS. Again, Candiace says that she didn’t intend to be messy. How do you not intend to be messy by calling someone a monster? Girl. Gizelle just calls her rude, immature, and wrong. Candiace keeps saying she didn’t intend to be malicious, and it wasn’t “malintended,” and she knows that Gizelle knows she wasn’t trying to be malicious. Bitch, ain’t nobody know that. Gizelle just says you knew it was nasty but we’re just not going to get too deep with each other.
Finally, Karen steps out in a pink suit and a Beyoncé in “Formation” hat and dance routine with Ray standing off to the side. Karen says that “Kay-Yoncé lives within her” as Ray heads upstairs to go to bed.
Next week, T’Challa’s Revenge!!!