The Real Housewives of Potomac
Would it be too much to ask for everyone to just calm down? Like maybe even just 15 percent? It’s been a long week and we’re all going through a lot right now, but good God, can we all just relax? Please, women of Potomac. I’m begging you. You’re all at a lake house with a guest house that you have to take a golf cart to reach. You’re basically at a compound, and for you to be this riled up at a compound with a private chef is not exactly healthy. Please, Wendy, Ashley, Candiace, drink a glass of warm milk or whatever the fuck. Do I want you to chill out? The reality-drama loving side of my brain is telling me no, but the actual human woman part of my brain is currently wrapped in four weighted blankets and asking you politely to lower your voice. Let’s get to it.
This whole episode is centered on getting the ladies to Monique’s lake house. With the devastating news that Dorinda Medley is leaving us and taking the Berkshires with her, the idea of having a new second home to explore is certainly exciting. But before we can get there, Candiace is looking at houses in the $1 million to $5 million range and Chris is wondering “Where is this money coming from?” I hate to get into it this early in the episode, but I fully do not understand what Chris is bringing to the table. He’s far too reasonable and always telling Candiace to “be nice to everyone” and “apologize for her misdeeds.” Blah blah blah. But mostly, Chris is just boring and has the general vibe of a manager of a Cheesecake Factory the night after Homecoming. He’s tired, he’s seen it all, and he’s prepared to kick out that six-top of teenagers for asking for separate checks.
Speaking of white husbands, Ashley is getting ready for the weekend and trying to prep Michael to stay with Dean, the baby to which he contributed 50 percent of the genetic material, for the weekend. Michael knows that a baby can’t be away from his mother and it’s not good for baby Dean to be with his father, the man who created him. Michael, it’s a Bravo girls’ trip. It’s going to be less than 48 hours. You can’t keep your own fucking baby alive for 45 hours? The bar is on the floor and Michael is greasing himself up to slither underneath it. He tries to distract Ashley by complimenting her ass, saying he keeps trying to check out other women but ends up comparing them to Ashley. Maybe don’t start with saying you’re comparing your wife to other women, even if you end up on her side. Not a great episode for boring white husbands.
Monique is leading the convoy up to the lake house with Gizelle and Karen. Did you ever think we’d see the day that Gizelle and Monique would take a two-hour drive together with a bird? Monique and this goddamn bird. There are only two explanations for her attachment to this bird. One, she’s projected so many feelings onto the bird because of Chris’s inability to engage with her as a person, or two, the spirit of one of her relatives has entered the bird and can only be freed if Monique cares for it as if it were one of her own children. Those are the only two explanations and I will accept nothing less.
Karen also manages to completely insult Gizelle’s wardrobe. I never thought Gizelle was that bad, and Karen should really be careful whose outfits she’s insulting considering that blonde Demi Moore wig she’s been wearing in her testimonials. Wendy is getting ready to leave, pumping one more time before she hits the road and making sure to tell us that she’s a PO-LIT-I-CAL-COM-MEN-TA-TOR. Everyone in Car No. 1 (Karen, Gizelle, Monique) starts talking about how Wendy had some questions about Karen’s sex life. Listen, Wendy, a woman’s sexual peak is in her 40s, so Karen is just about to hit her peak.
Robyn is the first to arrive at the lake house. Robyn is always wearing some little kaftan, and I admire that about her. Candiace arrives next and steps out of the car going, “Surprise, bitch.” Candiace is hurt by how Monique has handled their friendship, but she’s not in a bad place with the rest of the group. Wendy arrives and she’s instantly furious that she wasn’t able to bring her baby. Well, Wendy, Ashley has severe anxiety about a ceiling fan falling on her baby, so he’s here. We all gotta deal with it.
While they’re all talking about the baby and their vaginas, Bird T’Challa decides that HE HAS HAD ENOUGH and flies directly at Wendy’s head. Wendy is full-on screaming. Monique starts talking about “what did you do?” What did WE do?! That bird is reckless and has nothing to lose. Keep him in a cage! Then Monique puts the bird on the toilet as if that’s going to do something. The bird does not know what a toilet is and I guess if you just sit there long enough, it’ll poop because poop just falls out of the butt of a bird all day. Please, don’t convince yourself any more that you’ve potty-trained this bird.
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, the conversation about Ashely bringing the baby and a friend to take care of the baby has escalated. Robyn tries to explain to Wendy that Ashley is a new mom, while this is Wendy’s third baby and she bragged about how quickly she was out of the hospital afterward. You don’t get to have it both ways, Wendy. You’re either unbothered, tossing your hair on the way out the maternity ward, or you’re frantically attached at the nipple with a messed-up ponytail and one of those dirty, baggy T-shirts. Suddenly, Wendy is screaming about all she had to sacrifice to be at the girls’ weekend and how she’s pumping every two hours. Then Ashley and Wendy are just SCREAMING at each other. At one point, Ashley screams, “GO FACETIME YOUR BABY!” But even that is impossible since the lake house has shitty Wi-Fi.
It’s time for dinner and Candiace takes the golf cart to drive to the guest house to attempt to make amends with Gizelle … again. Candiace starts by saying that Gizelle was having a laugh at her expense during some sort of Bravo aftershow, so that justifies calling Gizelle’s house a piece of shit. Candiace doesn’t seem to make the connection that when someone insults her slightly, she goes full maniac on them. “Candiace, those shoes are last season!” “WELL YOUR HUSBAND IS DISEASE-RIDDLED CRACKHEAD AND YOU ARE HIS BED WENCH.” Not proportional. Gizelle says that this apology seems like a real one so she’s going to move forward and put her back on the mental wedding list she’s building, and then calls her a Chihuahua.
There is an outside tiki bar situation, so maybe this isn’t a compound but a former Holiday Inn Express that Monique converted into a lake house. Ashley and Monique propose a game where everyone can ask each other questions. Candiace reveals that she was one of a few Black kids at her school, and as a fellow “one of only a few Black kids at my school,” that should have been obvious and not accepted as a deep answer from Candiace. Gizelle also says that it’s common knowledge that Candiace got her nose done, and Bravo has the audacity to put up a photo from 2002 on the screen.
Karen asks Wendy why she needs to know about Karen’s sex life and Wendy says that she’s felt Karen has been very dismissive of her. You’re on the board together, Karen! You’re on the subcommittee! They agree to do lunch and we’ll see how that goes.
Then it’s time for the ladies to ask Wendy about her snapping in the kitchen. Wendy was talking shit about Ashley’s husband and started to pop off. That much was obvious, and Wendy is basically like, “So your issue is with my delivery and not the content … fuck off?” The ever-graceful Robyn says that Wendy was frustrated and stressed with leaving her baby at home and her reaction was probably driven by those feelings, so why not apologize and move on. Ashley doesn’t deserve an apology. Then … things … escalate…
“This is why you don’t have female friends”
“I have female friends, just not with fake bitches. Call me Doctor Wendy, sweetie.”
TO BE CONTINUED…