The Real Housewives of Potomac
What is hiding in the Darbys’ prenup that Ashley will not just leave?! Does she have to leave a limb behind if she divorces Michael’s cheating, awful ass? You’ve got the baby, you’ve got the Bravo money, you’ve even repaired most of your relationship with your mother! Just go! And I know. I know. No one knows what’s going on in anyone’s relationship except for the people inside it, but goddamn, there seem to be too many other people going on inside your relationship, Ashley. What is happening there?
For that matter, I simply don’t understand what is happening in anyone’s relationship right now. What does it say about the state of Potomac that the most predictable and stable relationship is Robyn and Juan’s? I’m so proud of them. They clawed their way back from, let me just check my notes here — crippling debt and a ghost friend? Juan is about to propose and staying out of everyone else’s business; meanwhile, Chris Samuels is asking, if he gets a vasectomy, will he still nut?
WILL HE STILL NUT?!?!?! That is simply the most offensive and vulgar thing I’ve ever fucking heard, and he just said it on national television. I’m going to need all the men of Potomac to put on their heaviest shoes and walk directly into the lake. Let’s get to it.
We’re still at the crab shack, and Gizelle and Candiace are looking for the most subtle way to pull Ashley to the side and their option is asking her to talk privately in front of everyone. Everyone heads back to Chez Monique for some s’mores in the firepit. After everyone tries to kill a giant bug and Karen squashes it with her shoe (and calls her shoes “Milanos”? Did I mishear that?”), Monique goes to start the fire in the firepit. This bitch is just spraying lighter fluid on the firepit once the fire is already raging and then heads inside to look for more “fire starter.” The fire has been sufficiently started, my friend. It’s positively roaring! The fire is as tall as a person. Please stop spraying lighter fluid directly at the logs that are ablaze.
Gizelle and Candiace are sitting on the couch trying to come up with a plan to minimize the damage while Monique is stomping around the house demanding that they come outside by the fire. Monique begins and ends this episode in an unreasonable place. Finally, Ashley puts the baby to sleep and Gizelle brokers the exchange of information and Ashley is … mostly unbothered?
Um. Okay. Well.
Ashley says she doesn’t just ask questions — she reads text messages, reads emails, and sniffs underwear. NO. NO. NO. NOT AT ALL. I’m sorry, ma’am. This is not permissible. If you have to sniff your man’s underwear, it’s time to go. Ashley says they had a little bit of a problem with Michael going to strip clubs while she was pregnant and maybe doing something at that strip club because a woman came on to Michael. Ain’t no women coming on to Michael. That’s just not happening. You were the only one to find his square-ass kangaroo-eating head attractive.
Here’s the thing: It seems like Ashley and Michael have established some ground rules about his needing to go have sex with other people. My problem is Ashley should be more concerned with how fucking messy he is. If you have an arrangement and some entanglements that are permissible within the marriage, get a ready lay and stay off the streets!
Candiace handles the whole thing remarkably well, and Gizelle negotiates a continued peace between the parties. Instead of letting everything be settled and mature, Monique decides that this somehow offends her and accuses everyone of bad manners, because she will not let anyone play her like a fool in her house. Ma’am, you believe that you’ve potty-trained a bird. You the fool.
Some of the ladies head to bed, and Wendy, Karen, Monique, and Candiace head to the basement to do Fireball shots. LISTEN. If anyone, ANYONE tells you that you’re going to go somewhere and exclusively drink Fireball shots, you are about to either get into a fistfight or fuck a lamppost. Karen decides to take a total of eight Fireball shots and ask everyone to talk about what’s wrong in their marriage. No one is trying to do that, but Karen says she needs a return on her investment in Ray because she gave him half of her money to fix his taxes. She also keeps repeating, “Be legitimate.” This is the scene from The Sopranos that we were missing, and I would like to see it, please. A toast to “Wife Pussies!”
The next morning, Karen has no memory of drinking Fireball shots, and she would not like you to repeat any of that, please. Monique’s husband, Chris, arrives and immediately starts asking for breakfast. I hate this André the Giant–sounding man. Some of the other husbands are arriving later, but before they can arrive, Monique has to go off about Candiace, Ashley, and Gizelle having a private conversation in her house.
Is it just me, or are the edges fraying with Monique? Because this? This is not the look, Monique. Candiace and Gizelle did their best to keep Ashley’s business private because it’s none of anyone’s business, but Monique cannot possibly handle … Candiace doing anything? Because that’s all this is. Monique can’t stand Candiace, and she can’t just say that, so she has to couch it in “decorum” and “respect” and “etiquette” when she could have just eaten her store-bought danishes and kept it moving.
Oh, also Robyn literally asks Karen about staying up all night and doing shots and Karen acts like she’s insane. Karen, never change. Go upstairs and take a bath, because, in your words, “my coochie stinks.”
Monique tries to start a fight again, and Candiace smartly removes herself from the situation because Monique is just on some bullshit. She keeps saying no one is respecting her plans for the trip, as if eating hot dogs off paper plates is some grand adventure. You want their undivided attention? Take them to Bali.
The husbands start arriving, and Monique’s Chris manages to be completely disgusting. He starts talking about how Monique wants him to get “snipped” and asking the other men if they would do that. He says he wants to still feel his toes curl and his eyes twitch. What the fuck does Chris think a vasectomy is? Does he think they’ll replace the tip of his penis with one of those Dots candies? He also says, once he gets a vasectomy, he would want Monique to have sex with him whenever he wants. Another man for the trash heap.
Chris heads outside to grab the bouquet and the Nothing Bundt Cake for Monique’s birthday. Candiace lingers in the doorway and listens to them sing “Happy Birthday” like that woman in that porno Ted Cruz liked last year on 9/11. Remember that?
After lunch, they all decide to play a little game where the husbands have to imitate their wives. Candiace’s Chris takes the meta route and imitates Candiace brandishing a knife. Monique’s Chris takes a Champagne bottle and begins the process of fellatio. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Does he see his wife as a series of orifices? I’m OVER THIS MAN.
As everyone files out of the house, Monique pretends to be asleep when it comes time to say good-bye to Candiace. Well, she might actually be asleep, which is also stupid because how disrespectful of your guests!
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LATER
Ashley is driving with Baby Dean and trying to get Michael to say any phrase to her besides “I’m eating lunch and reviewing a document.” Ashley confronted Michael about the club and he did something he regrets, so he slept in the baby’s room. It’s almost like Michael is —
ONE HOUR LATER
Oh shit, I didn’t realize the news was coming at us so fast that we need to be updated hour by hour. Well, gossip sites are starting to report on Michael, and they’ve got photo evidence of him in a hotel room and video footage of him in the casino. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. No. No. Please.
TO BE CONTINUED …