overnights

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Recap: Arizona Tea

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Searching for Sereni-Tea
Season 3 Episode 2
Editor’s Rating 4 stars

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Searching for Sereni-Tea
Season 3 Episode 2
Editor’s Rating 4 stars
Photo: Bravo/YouTube

It’s our first week getting the opening credits this season, and while I could easily run through everybody’s taglines and say how great they are, I want to focus on another aspect of the intro that I can’t stop thinking about. Between each Housewife’s twirl, they show a little B-roll of them from this season, and one snippet in particular caught my eye instantly: Lisa Barlow with a beaming smile, roller-skating down a boardwalk wearing a pink helmet and holding a massive, two-scoop mint chocolate chip ice cream cone. I’ve never seen a happier person in my life, not a care in the world — very much not representative of how this season is shaping up for her thus far.

Anyway, the episode itself kicks off at Jen’s house, where she’s preparing a charcuterie board for her and her mother to snack on while partaking in their favorite activity: a puzzle. She says that she’s leaned on her mom during her legal woes, and speaking of which, this trial is just weeks away and yet Jen went and bought a 1,000-piece puzzle. As Meredith said last week, “Time is not on your side,” get a smaller puzzle!

Jen says she had to sit through a mock trial, but you’d think with two reunions under her belt she’d be keenly prepared to be prosecuted. But since you can’t clap back to a judge and shouldn’t wear feathered gowns to court, I guess it’s worth doing a little practice. The whole ordeal is taking a toll on her, particularly because of how it’s hurting her family, who didn’t do anything to deserve this. She also clarifies that since she’s innocent, she didn’t do anything to deserve this either (at this point in our timeline, Jen still plans on pleading not guilty).

I hope you’re not too full on charcuterie yet, because we’ve already got our second charcuterie board of the episode when Meredith pays a visit to Whitney’s house. As an aside: Why is there a whole pear on this charcuterie board? That’s ridiculous. After a brief cameo from Bobbie and Brooks, the latter of whom is unimpressed upon hearing that Meredith has a son named Brooks too (manifesting a season-four Brooks vs. Brooks showdown), the pair head outside with their wine and cheese.

Meredith says that though Sharrieff’s party was fun, it was awkward having Lisa there. “She has bad-mouthed every single one of us in our circle,” she says, and the editors spring into action, queuing up a montage of Lisa insulting each cast member one by one. And speaking of bad-mouthing, Meredith takes this opportunity to once again mention all the rumors flying about Lisa. It’s a miracle that planes are able to land at Salt Lake City International Airport with all these flying rumors in the airspace. This time the rumor is that Lisa performs sexual favors to get places to carry Vida Tequila. Meredith, for one, thinks this rumor she’s spreading sounds absurd. But wait, is it? Because Whitney heard the exact same thing from someone she knows. After this exchange of intel, they both agree that the last thing they want to do is talk about Lisa behind her back. Phew, that’s a relief! For a second there I thought they were gonna talk about Lisa behind her back.

But even while participating in this gossip, Whitney says she has sympathy for Lisa, because she had a vision of her as a scared little girl during a session with her energy healer, Meghan. This was very interesting because it’s the kind of thing you hear on Long Island Medium, and Lisa Barlow is notably alive.

Meanwhile, Lisa (like I said, alive) is out on the basketball court, shooting hoops with her oldest — and trying to get some insight as to why he’s so resistant to the idea of college. He doesn’t think he needs college to be successful since he already owns a shampoo company, Fresh Wolf. To Lisa’s credit she essentially says, yeah, but Mom and Dad bankrolled that business, so let’s keep that in mind. But then we get our strongest words yet from Jack on the matter: “Fudge college, honestly.” Whoa. A nation of viewers just clutched their pearls.

Back at Whitney’s house, she’s visibly distraught and pulls Justin aside to fill him in on an upsetting phone call she just had with her half brother Will. She says that he had been doing a kind of memory recall therapy called EDMR, which uncovered repressed memories about Whitney being abused as a child — thus uncovering her own suppressed memories and trauma. She wonders if it would have been easier to not know, but says she ultimately thinks it’s important that she acknowledge and survive it. It’s not the ideal timing for Whitney to go on a girls’ trip, but her other half brother in Arizona encourages her to come so they can see each other.

So the trip is on as planned, and in a jarring tonal shift we see Heather and Jen packing outfits for Jen’s planned “Garbage Trash Whore Lingerie Party” — continuing the Real Housewives party-naming tradition upheld by landmark events like “NeNe’s Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” and “Dorit’s Homeless Not Toothless Charity Gala.”

Heather, for one, is not particularly excited by this trip to Arizona. “It’s the redheaded stepchild of Utah. It’s just Utah, warmer, and with more white people … if that’s even humanly possible!” Meredith concurs, suggesting Saint-Tropez, Bali, or the Maldives as more appropriate destinations. But Whitney clarifies that since Jen can’t leave the country, their travel options are limited.

Rather than all five of them fly together, which I’m sure would be some kind of FAA violation, Whitney and Lisa head down first with their dozens of suitcases and roam the massive (albeit dated) mansion, which sends ghostly memories of Mary M. Cosby and her eclectic home rushing back.

Speaking of ghostly memories of RHOSLC seasons past, up rolls a Sprinter van, and the other three women pour out. They come bearing a half-drunk bottle of Fireball and Milk Duds (since the store was out of Lisa’s breakfast of choice, Kit-Kats), and Jen greets Whitney’s boobs like they’re a soldier returning home from war. They scoff at the healer’s suggestion of not drinking, and Whitney doles out room assignments, giving Jen the biggest one since she’s probably going to prison. “Ever since the arrest, all I know is I keep getting the master bedroom,” she says, “I mean, maybe this is one area it’s working out for me.” Once again, Jen puts the “con” in “icon.”

Before their first healing event, Whitney fills Heather in on the conversation she and Meredith had about the Lisa rumors — and seeing Heather hear it all is like watching a kid on Christmas morning. This is where we can really tell that Heather was a Real Housewives superfan before she was cast on the show, because she’s hearing this drama with the same excitement as I am on my couch. She’s cackling, absolutely giddy, and asking all the right questions: “Who is she servicing? Vendors? Bartenders? Bar owners? State liquor store officials?”

Their first healing session comes not a moment too soon, which Meredith is purposefully late to because she’s hesitant to open up her energy around Lisa. The shaman gives them a cacao elixir, which I would incorrectly assume tastes like hot chocolate — just as Heather did, making her recoil after taking a sip. Lisa, meanwhile, says that she’s a novice when it comes to elixirs and drugs: “I’ve never done a drug in my life. I’ve never even smoked weed; I barely take Advil. I had my augmentation with nothing. I, like, went and got a Diet Coke after.”

They all share something that they’re releasing to make room for something they want, sealing their intention with a sip (and another wince at the taste from Heather). Eventually Meredith joins them, resigned to taking the last spot right next to Lisa. As night falls, they lie under blankets for an emotional breathing exercise. Jen worries about missing her sons’ lives. Meredith is brought back to the struggle she went through last year with her father and nephew. And Lisa sees herself as an abandoned child after her family left her at a play place not realizing she was gone — which is wild considering how well that matches up with the vision that Whitney said she had of her earlier in the episode. Either Whitney is a psychic or energy-healer Meghan is on to something.

Meredith apologizes to the group for being late, explaining that she didn’t feel safe. Lisa softly says that she thought she used to be a safe space for Meredith, who quickly retorts that she is not a safe space — sending Lisa storming off back to the house and into a bedroom. Now I just know that production was ready to film that closed door for as long as possible in the hopes of history repeating itself, but alas, Lisa learned how the mics work and we don’t get another tirade. Instead, Heather comes to retrieve her and the unlikely pair return outside for dinner, where we find ANOTHER CHARCUTERIE BOARD. When will this madness end? Instead of snowflakes they should all hold charcuterie in the intro.

Over dinner, Meredith asks them to fill her in on what everybody said they wanted to release during the session. Jen said she wanted to release her fear of going to trial and tells a story about getting new information and driving to her father’s grave at 3 a.m. And maybe we should all stock up on that gross cacao elixir, because now that she pled guilty, she’s technically not going to trial. Whitney then takes the floor, with the episode ending just as she begins to share her recent upsetting revelation with the group.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Recap: Arizona Tea