The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Things are growing increasingly bleak in Salt Lake City. I’d be remiss to not take a second to acknowledge that the same Sara who struggled to cut an apple while giving Whitney terrible advice in last week’s episode was confirmed to be in attendance at the Capitol the other day. I don’t have any commentary that will fit in my word count beyond “absolute fucking yikes.” And that’s only what’s going on outside of the show. A less nefarious flavor of Bravo darkness also appears to be tightening its clutches on RHOSLC. You know what I’m talking about — when the wives split into two factions and all drama quickly turns to a “she said that you said that grandpa-fucker’s cousin-housekeeper said that …” free-for-all.
Whitney didn’t slurp down an ocean of Top Golf’s house white in an attempt to get this show on the road all for us to still be stuck in the same he-said-she-said loop. It’s too early in this potential goldmine of a franchise for this to happen! Bring in men for Heather! Spin-off Shah Squad’s horniest members into a Vanderpump Rules-esque romp! Truly give us anything that isn’t Q-Anon-adjacent women fumbling over their Restylane as they rehash the same hearsay for six episodes straight! Anything! The bar is so low!
That’s not gonna happen this week, though. We’ve seen the previews, and Jen’s makeup-free face is ripe and ready for a whole lot of the same drama, a proverbial Chekhov’s gun lurking around in her cold, dark bedroom. Really hoping that this is an “it’s always darkest before the dawn” kind of thing.
Anyway, Whitney and Heather sit down with a spool of ribbon and some Red Hots to assure each other that Whitney’s shit-stirring efforts were not in vain. Whitney insists that she had good intentions and that everyone else butting in was the reason it was an epic failure. Heather is like lol k then brings some slightly more astute analysis to the situation, specifically that Jen’s lack of anger toward Lisa and Meredith perhaps suggests that she’s looking to secure her place in the Utah upper echelon by further entrenching herself with those brunette twinsies. It’s a solid hypothesis. And maybe why Whitney and Heather make a loose plan to talk to Jen further. What could possibly go wrong?
Meanwhile, Meredith and Lisa get their husbands’ takes on what went down at Sharrieff’s party because we’ve gotta fill this episode somehow. Seth says he “can’t even comprehend it” in hopes that the conversation will end before Meredith gets too exhausted for the goggle play he has on the menu. As Lisa rants on about Whitney’s dancing and how if she were Jen, she would’ve thrown the glass too, John says absolutely nothing. During his thrice-daily productivity check-ins, he’s gotten some feedback that it’s not wise to verbally challenge his supervisor in any way. The key to both a 1.5% merit raise and eternal marriage is silence!
Over on the hit A&E show Hoarders, Mary’s playing dress-up with her cousin-housekeeper, Charlinda. Bonkers finances aside, I remain perplexed about the logistics of the Cosby empire. If Mary really has “five houses” money, why doesn’t she have the wherewithal to call those ladies from The Home Edit to really do it up? Or at the very least spring for a custom IKEA wardrobe system to create some semblance of order in the Saks Off Fifth fulfillment center she calls a bedroom? But again, that’s me trying to apply mortal logic to Ms. Cosby — a fruitless exercise. Just as Charlinda is gloving up to do surgery on a belt trapped around Mary’s torso, Whitney calls to report that her birthday party mission didn’t exactly go as planned. Mary says that even she wouldn’t have chosen Sharrieff’s soiree as the discussion venue but that Whitney should call Jen to discuss further and that she’s praying for her. Perhaps those prayers would be better suited for petitioning God for the opportunity to film a scene anywhere besides her closet-bedroom, but I’m not the one with a church empire, so what do I know?
To really stretch our brains past their limits, Bravo sends Meredith and Lisa (and their respective husbands) on a double date to chomp down some burrata while wearing matching outfits. I’d say I have above average brunette white lady facial recognition abilities, and between the Balmain blazers, the doppelgänger mannerisms, and the nearly identical moral high horses, it was a real doozy for my brain goo. Anyway, Meredith’s big news is not big news at all: She and Seth are officially back together. The real big news is that Lisa slips the ten-dollar word “sophomoric” into casual conversation to describe Whitney. Could she be studying for the LSAT!? Grad school actually seems like the move for someone with a fat stack of cash and a masochistic love of work. Plus, maybe she’ll get a power bob and start wearing glasses to differentiate herself further from Meredith? We can only hope.
Finally, the moment arrives to see the hot springs tub meltdown that’s been teased for the last two months. Whitney, sober and armed with the genuinely solid mediation skills she picked up from years of dealing with her dad, plans a zen retreat four hours away in the middle of nowhere so Jen can’t run away. The sentiment is excellent, but girl, the execution! Jen has at least five assistants and a full-time glam squad, so the vibe you’re looking for is not “children camp free with the purchase of any four (4) essential oils.” But they’ve made it this far, so Jen climbs a hill, keeps her shoes on in the tub, then does a lot of yell-crying about how it’s all their fault that her marriage is on the rocks before threatening to drown Whitney, doing a big splish-splash on the cameras, and storming off.
Completely undeterred by death threats, Whitney and Heather convince Jen to get back in the tub before Heather gets vulnerable as hell. She explains that she’s afraid Jen cares more about chasing the Lisa/Meredith clout than their friendship and is terrified of losing her and that she’s afraid to come to Jen after a lifetime of post-honesty abandonment. They all make up, and Jen assures the gals that they can come to her about anything (yeah, sure, okay). While it appears the “Who’s afraid of Jen Shah?” case is closed, the larger question remains: “What is Jen like off-camera?” Heather seems to be a pretty great judge of character, and if she wants to be friends, there’s gotta be some redeeming qualities. Fingers crossed we can see more of that and less of everything else Jen brings to the table in the future.
In the meantime, Lisa has taken it upon herself to host a combination Vida Tequila influencer event/season two “friend-of” casting gauntlet. She invites a bunch of “powerhouse women who don’t throw glasses or punches” to drive their G-Wagons to a yurt for a GIRL POWER Barlow-brand-sponsored dinner. They live, they laugh, they love, and I look forward to doing some investigative journalism on Ashley, Angie, and Vanessa in case they show up in season two (if that’s even happening). Watch this space.
With just a few minutes left, Jen’s makeup-free face is back (Is this the same footage? The timeline makes no sense) to make up with Sharrieff. They have the most earnest conversation Shah Chalet has ever seen, getting real about anger, resentment, self-medication, grief, etc. Although Sharrieff doesn’t exactly make clear how he’s going to be more present, damn my guy is good at saying the exact right things in an ASMR-worthy voice. Perhaps he can quit the coaching job and get a gig whispering “I love you, baby, so much. I love you, all my heart. Forever” into one of those big fluffy microphones. If Nick Viall can nab the Calm app bedtime story VO money, surely Sharrieff’s got this in the bag. Someone, anyone, please make it happen, for Jen’s sake and ours. Anyway, see ya next week for a GIRLS TRIP TO VEGGAAASSSSS.