Well, well, well. I believe we have officially “arrived.” We were promised legal drama, and we sort of get it. Using the Meredith Marks’s regular-questions-asked-as-if-they’re-rhetorical framework: Are we going to spend approximately 67 percent of the episode on a bus? Possibly. Do we get to see Jen Shah get arrested? Um, no, not exactly. Are there tangential criminal situations? Without a doubt. Does Bravo fully commit to the bit in the editing bay, treating this like an episode of The First 48? YOU ALREADY KNOW. Game respect game; let’s do this.
9:33 a.m., Beauty Lab Parking Lot, Utah
In case you somehow forgot, we left off with the Feds showing up after Jen ran for the hills to be with Sharrieff and his bloody dying internal organs. I remain shocked by the gall to play with karma like that! But I guess if you’re already fucking over thousands of elderly people, what’s another hashmark in the devil’s burn book? Anyway, the ladies piece together that Jen got a tip-off call. Heather texts Jen to tell her the cops showed up and appears to genuinely believe “they’re just trying to protect her.” THE CAUCACITY. Lisa makes 47 different phone calls in hopes that the camera will spend more time on the V*DA gift bag she has precariously perched to be in the frame at all times. Jennie maintains that the entire situation has nothing to do with them (A-plus) and starts scavenging through Jen’s abandoned snack stash (Mint Milanos and Lifesavers — yuck, D-minus).
10:12 a.m., Vail, Colorado
Meredith sits through a timeshare presentation to fulfill her contractual obligations and secure their seven-bedroom manse free of charge. A hero in a faux-fur cape. This is how rich people stay rich (plus generational wealth, mountains of privilege, etc.).
10:57 a.m., Thistle, Utah
Lisa globs her mouth goo all over a big purple jawbreaker while explaining to Heather that Jen isn’t going to text her back and that other than their families, seven people knew they were at Beauty Lab today, and Meredith probably knows something … Seven?! There’s just no way. All you have to do is look at the fact that Reality Steve does not have a day job and Lisa’s line of whodunnit logic immediately falls apart. Jennie, who actually studied at Detective Procedural University while Lisa was organizing rush week activities, explains that the cops probably have a warrant and found Jen that way.
Whitney posits that the NYPD was there because Jen’s HQ was in New York, then goes elbow deep in a box of Charleston Chews while giving a lecture on legal lead generation in online marketing. Apparently, it’s lucrative, but not make-it-rain-$100-bills-on-Justin’s-party-bus or throw-Meredith-an-$80k-birthday-party lucrative.
11:33 a.m., Thistle, Utah
Jennie’s soul leaves her body as she realizes there are five more hours to go.
11:35 a.m., Side of the Road, Utah
Lisa calls all six attorneys on her payroll, an interesting flex when we’re already discussing how people fund their lifestyles. I clearly do not understand the legal needs of a tween beard-oil company, and Lisa clearly does not understand how microphones work as she puts her hand in front of her face “for privacy.”
12:05 p.m., Price, Utah
Heather continues her delusions, hoping Jen’s going to show up after just doing some paperwork when Whitney gets a text alert — “Real Housewives star charged with massive fraud money laundering scheme.” Lisa and Heather commence their dry-eye sobbing about “feeling so bad so so so so bad oh my God her family, I feel so so bad.”
Whitney gleefully reads more news updates, explaining that Jen and Stu are being charged with laundering money and stealing money and defrauding vulnerable, often working-class elderly people and that they could go to jail for up to 30 years. Jennie continues slugging down a beer and asks Whitney why she’d steal from old people. Whitney explains exactly how it could work to buy data by demographic to increase your odds of being a proficient scammer. Jennie thinks it’s suspicious how much Whitney knows about this, which is an easy leap to make if you didn’t watch Rosamund Pike in I Care a Lot with a very attentive (and respectful) eye like someone I know (me).
Lisa and her Buffalo-chip breath keep going on about Jen’s family and Jen’s husband. Oracle Jennie says they’re going to question him, going to raid her house, and take everything.
1:20 p.m., Park City, Utah
The cops raid Jen’s house and take everything. TBD on Coach Shah’s involvement at this point.
2:36 p.m., Vail, Colorado
Meredith gets a FaceTime call from the bus, and it’s the first she’s heard of any of the “situation.” Basking in vindication, Meredith says she’s not surprised, that she suspected this for a while and no one listened to her but [cackles] “THAT’S OKAY CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU GUYS TO GET HERE! MWAH.” That’s a wrap — hand over that center snowflake. Actually, maybe just hand over all of the snowflakes.
3:16 p.m., Salt Lake City, Utah
Jen is released from the courthouse. She has no comment on defrauding elderly people. I have no comment on those box braids.
2:55 p.m., Vail, Colorado
Upon discovering that Kendall Roy and Naomi Pierce are in the area, Meredith texts them to swing by with some snacks. And by snacks, I mean ketamine (maybe some benzos for later 💁♀️). Before they show up, Meredith sneaks around like the Grinch on Christmas Eve, replacing every camera’s memory card with a whittled-down organic baby carrot.
3:17 p.m., Humdinger, Colorado
Heather pontificates on the money-laundering schemes she learned from Ozark, trying to puzzle together if Jen ran a construction company or a cash business like a strip joint or laundromat. Whitney is like, “Holy shit, that’s why Jen starts all these companies — because you can dump cash into a start-up and expense it as a loss on your taxes.” Lisa insists that can’t be the case but is probably just bitter that even with six lawyers on the phone, she’s only managed to contribute a Bible verse about a camel going through the eye of a needle to the discourse.
4:13 p.m., Vail, Colorado
Mary arrives in Vail. Kendall Roy is nowhere to be found, but Meredith is absolutely toasted in the bathtub. They continue the terrible game of telephone about the nonexistent SWAT team, and Mary goes off about how broken her heart is and how she’s filled with compassion for Jen going down and doesn’t understand how Meredith couldn’t care less. I don’t know, Mary, probably because Meredith is on some legends-only behavior, and it’s probably also worth unpacking why you have more compassion for the woman with a God complex taking a fall than for everyone said woman has allegedly scammed!
Mary says the FBI doesn’t get involved “unless there’s facts” or if someone talks. Meredith sloshes that she’s been waiting quietly for all of this and could Jen be innocent? Sure it’s possible. Does she believe it? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (please mentally add the bubbuh-bath beard here.)
4:45 p.m., Still on the Damn Bus, Colorado
The ladies debrief the cooking-class nonsense to Jennie, but I’m not even going to pretend to care. Cold, sad crumbs when we’ve otherwise got a feast.
4:56 p.m., Vail, Colorado
The bus arrives. (Driver Kevin — you were not paid enough for this and if you’re organizing your workplace, please reach out because I’d love to support the cause!) Meredith’s still in the tub because my girl wanted to set a scene, and guess what? It worked.
6:11 p.m., Vail, Colorado
John Barlow is saved in Lisa’s phone as “JB HUSBAND” with his LinkedIn photo. Robert Sr. is saved in Mary’s phone as “Dad” with no photo. The amount of sleep I will lose over these facts is insurmountable.
8:41 p.m., Vail, Colorado
The snow is falling, the lamb chops are put on their li’l squash beds, and it’s time for the All-Cast Reprise (Meredith’s Version). So much to share! Whitney spreads the rumor that Jen was arrested on the side of the road because the Feds traced her phone. Jennie says the investigation’s been going on since 2012. Mary goes on about reaping and sowing, and please, universe, do her next. Heather admits she thought Jen left to turn herself in and that the whole situation is humiliating and degrading for her. (1) What would make you think Jen would take accountability for anything, ever?, and (2) I’m hitting the wall of my word count, but again, wild choice of words here for the perpetrator versus the victims!
Meredith drops what she thinks is a bucket of bombshells. The first is basically that time Winona Ryder got caught shoplifting at Barneys, except it was Jen’s assistant with a “little green snake clutch” at Meredith Marks NYC (which appears to no longer exist?). The second is that Jen is red-flagged in the Louis Vuitton CMS because she pays in cash. Mer has the texts, call logs, and security footage, so she’s basically the smoking gun in an unrelated federal fraud case? That vindication she did earlier may have been laced.
Heather then lets loose that she ordered Jen an Uber the other night, and as she was tracking her trip (do people do this?! It feels surveillance-y unchill to me), she saw Jen got out half a mile down the road. Lisa asks what day it was because she “wants to see if somebody … if they met up with her.” Barlow clearly knows some shit, and Jennie immediately asks if she’s saying Jen was meeting up with another guy. Whitney’s still doing Riverdale cosplay and says that “none of us are safe unless we know the facts — if we don’t share what we know, we are in danger.” On cue, Lisa begins the dry-eye sobbing. Not sure JB HUSBAND’s going to be able to bail her out of this one.
See ya next week for tiny hats, Jen sitting down with a lawyer, Meredith hiring a PI, and no less than $300k worth of “religious trauma!”