The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Can y’all believe in the year of our Lort 2021, there are still people who think reality TV is for dummies? First off, hating silly things as a personality trait is some Squidward energy (no surprise my dude has zero friends). And second, unless we’re talking about hitting the hills and going full Little House on the Prairie, it’s nearly impossible to escape the reality-television-industrial complex. We’re in it — may as well kick back and enjoy the dystopia of it all. Plus, this sentient silicon implant of a program consistently expands my dusty little noggin. Is the ol’ brain rotting more by the day? Oh, of course. But am I now more versed in Catholic doctrine, ovarian health, the Utah legal code, and the etymology of the word “Brumski” than I was an hour ago? You bet.
We get right to business with Whitney calling up the gals to invite them all to a day of tubing. Remarkably (or not — no matter how much Mary hates outdoor activities, she hates not having that Bravo check more), they all agree to go. Even Angie, who’s in the Barlow doghouse. Or maybe Lisa’s in the Angie doghouse? Everyone is in doghouses! Because on this television program, being wronged and being accused of wrongdoing are equally hurtful situations.
There’s only one early episode clipsicle this week, but it’s unhinged enough to count for at least four instances of Mary talking to Saran Wrap or puttering about her haunted closet. Lisa goes to pick up younger spawn Henry from school. One “where do you wanna go eat, baby love?” later and they’re getting Starbucks for aperitif, Wendy’s for lunch, and Bahama Bucks for dessert, because Lisa grew up a bit granola and this is her version of “adulting.” Every time someone says “adulting” out loud, an angel loses its wings, and I’m pretty sure Lisa is heaven’s No. 1 angel killer. Henry explains a rough situation with a school friend and Lisa suggests organizing a hangout to make peace, and then asks him which parent he likes better as she hands over a cake pop. It looks like Lisa is expanding her empire to include a Bravo reunion–inspired parenting book: What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your Child to Be Your Television Nemesis (Now With New Guide for Receipt-Keeping, Plotting, and Light Bribery!).
Over at the oyster bar, Jennie sits down with Jessi’s vagina from Big Mouth. Oh wait, I wasn’t wearing my glasses. It’s her shitbag of a husband, sporting a cowl-neck sweater and a bucket full of nonsense. Before we get into the sister-wivery of it all, have y’all seen the details from Jennie’s alleged niece? Whether Jennie/Duy are all real, all fake, or somewhere in between, there’s some wild stuff going on. To me, the biggest plot hole here is the Catholicism bit. Duy is Catholic enough that Jennie had to convert for him! I’m no Catholic scholar and only did a cursory fact check here (fun fact — the time between me watching the episode and you reading this is shorter than Jen Shah’s temper), but several signs point to polygamy being a no-go. Yet Duy insists that both their priest and the state of Utah won’t have an issue with it, the latter of which is at least partially true.
Anyway, Jennie’s not into the sister-wife thing and raises a bunch of valid logistical questions. Going to save “make something you don’t want to do sound like an extensive trip to the DMV to the person who wants to do it” in my argument pocket for a rainy day. Duy also explains that he has a polygamist patient with five wives and 40 children, who are all “phenomenal” and “in college.” Sir! I encourage you to do the math here because I ran some exploratory numbers and that is $4,057,920 in tuition alone, at average schools, post-grad not included. Food not included, the initial 18 years of expenses not included. This is not chiropractor money. This is massive telemarketing-fraud-scheme money, which has already proven to be a bad idea. Duy also says there’s nothing wrong with him trying to fill his trauma hole with polygamy, and he doesn’t need the therapy Jennie suggests, but maybe he’ll think about it. Everything about this story line continues to be a big ol’ yikes for everyone involved!
Speaking of yikes, Seth Marks continues to be a Tom Ford sweater filled with nothing but hot air and six bags o’ boob jokes roughly molded into a human form. But Meredith seems genuinely into it as they talk about buying property and the communication skills they’ve learned from their discernment therapist. An entire therapist whose only job is to discern if you should stay married or not? Maybe they have room in their schedule for Jennie and Duy! Alas, Meredith is tired from talking to her kids about what Seth determines to be “minutiae,” and he promises to help her with nothing but his nude male form. Again, she seems into it, so who am I to judge?
In other parenting news, Heather holds a joint birthday party for Beauty Lab No. 2 and five babies named Grey, KJ, Russell, Remy, and Van. Angie, Whitney, and Jen also show up, because where else is Whitney going to be all proud of herself for “figuring out Lisa’s trap and taking control?” Also, Angie lets Whitney feed her a bunch of Fireball and “fluff her aura.” She barfs it all up, which is the only correct reaction. The body keeps the score, baby.
Finally, it’s tubing time. Also on the agenda? More learning. Mary informs us that the destination is “two hours away, that’s 60 minutes, twice.” Pythagoras, look out! She also gives everyone a refresh on carbonation’s ovary-hardening power. Lisa’s like, “I gotta Google that, is that a thing?” and oh boy. Mary does not like this response. It’s a mess all around. They get in each other’s faces, Mary says Lisa is condescending because she’s Black, Lisa vaguely threatens her, Mary says Lisa’s too sensitive, Lisa says Mary’s too sensitive. Then Jennie gets involved, Mary tells her to stop cursing, and we somehow end with a “you’re not my mom!” The entire situation feels like a trip to the bathroom at a high-school football game where all the popular girls are hopped up on Bacardi Razz and attention, fighting about nothing for the sake of nothing.
After a few trips down the slopes and a contest in which Heather’s aerodynamic coaching turns out to be a bit of a flop, the wives sit down for some chicken-salad wraps and a bunch of yelling. Lisa and Mary loosely make amends because gynecologist/mathematician/gastroenterologist Mary already explained that the only way to have a daily bowel movement is to stay in your lane. (Don’t forget, “if Mary says something, it’s facts.” No Googling allowed — fire your gastroenterologist, and get that booty hole feeling regular at last.)
Then Angie tries to get Lisa to move past the caterer drama for the sake of their 20-year relationship. I sort of blacked out somewhere in the middle of Lisa talking about “clean slate 2022, Whitney” but immediately come to as she screams, “MY GRANDFATHER WAS GAY. THAT’S A BIG DEAL TO ME, TO HAVE SOMEONE ACCUSE ME OF SABOTAGING SOMETHING THAT SUPPORTS A COMMUNITY THAT I LOOOOOVE.” Angie comforts Lisa, and that is maybe the end of that.
Jennie asserted herself out the gate as not afraid of confrontation, making it even wilder to see her yell at Mary in a weird hypothetical way while looking directly at Heather. If you’re going to do the exact speech from The Godfather about coming to you on the day of your daughter’s passing, you have to look your audience square in the eye. Also, why is Jennie on this tubing trip when this is clearly such a big day for her and Duy? Like Duy has brought up this specific date no less than 347 times. Someone ask TikTok niece about this. Nonetheless, the gals share their condolences and Meredith suggests they all take shots.
See ya next week for an intimate Barlow event, which promises some Cosby cult activity whistleblowing?! With Jesus-bated breath, we wait.