What a close call. This episode is innocent on the outside. Lots of flouncing about, getting that influencer money, rehashing yesterday’s drama. Textbook filler. And then, the universe comes swinging in to put my no-stan-Luann serenity to the test with girlie hopping into a human-size picnic basket in an attempt to gently 12th-step Ramona. She’s glowing! She’s having real conversations! She’s got me checking to see if I’d be able to get her to share a quick experience, strength, and hope via Cameo. But y’all, for the grace of God, by the third act, Lu’s back on her petty, petty princess behavior, using mediocre men to stir up ye olde pot. She’s just doing it sans rosé this time! Perhaps my favorite thing about recovery is the often daily reminder that sober people are still people. Sure, we might not be shitting the bed anymore, but all the personal inventory and amends and service in the world isn’t gonna make that shit stink-free. But anyway, before I somehow manage to make this metaphor even worse, let’s get back into it.
At the villa, it’s day six, and the ladies are waking up after a long day/night of yacht yelling and chicken parm. Kenya calls her Aunt Lisa to check in. Ramona does more incantations in the mirror as she slathers on a serum made from the blood of unvaccinated fairies. And Cynthia embarks on a bit of an energy reset following the realization that she’s isolated herself from everyone else, which is saying a lot because, um, Ramona’s here.
Speaking of Ramona, the rest of the gals are better people than I am and decide to take the high road. After slotting in a quick ad for the Love Collection by Teresa Giudice, Teresa hypothesizes that Ramona’s loneliness is why she lashes out. Cynthia accepts Ramona’s apology and confesses that she genuinely likes her. Melissa tells Luann and Kenya how she almost cried when Ramona told her that she had nothing to go home to. I mean, sure, that’s sad. But so is the way Ramona treats damn near every person she’s ever interacted with on-camera, not to mention whatever she’s doing IRL. Luann says she’s not putting up with the Singer Stinger anymore. Yeah, okay, right.
👁 👄 👁 Kyle FaceTimes Mauricio, who will be there in time for dinner.
Once everyone slips into their sarongs, it’s time to head to the beach. The rest of the day is basically what you’d get if you put an old episode of America’s Next Top Model, a dog-eared copy of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and a shot of tequila through Facetune 14 separate times. Is it good? Not exactly. But is it interesting? You already know. I may be a bit rusty on my Housewives history, but I’m fairly certain this is the first time we’ve seen a deep dive into the economics of the Cameo industrial complex play out onscreen. Kenya and Luann engage in a bit of wage transparency ($125 for them both, although I checked and Lu has since raised hers to $135 and Kenya is no longer available). Teresa ($250) suggests upping their prices, but Lu prefers lower price, higher volume.
There’s a decidedly less fascinating conversation in the other car, where Cynthia admits to Kyle that she was jealous of her friendship with Kenya. Melissa is jealous of Cynthia’s jealousy and brings up her own friendship with Kenya. Cynthia essentially gives her LVP-Stassi “You’re not important enough to hate. Sit down.” I’m very into the efficiency with which most of these women have been crafting and then squashing drama on this trip. It’s not always well-done, but at least they’re attempting to keep it moving.
👁 👄 👁 Kyle says her bathing suit is ruining her vibe.
After each wife has had their turn with Instagram husband Michael, Luann and Ramona climb into a wicker orb to patch things up. Luann starts with an explanation of how the serenity prayer reminds her she can’t change Ramona, that the apologies don’t do much for a lifetime of continued bad behavior, and that she can’t continue their friendship with the way Ramona treats her. (Somewhere, Luann’s sponsor is nodding her head lovingly.) Ramona gives a mini-speech about needing to delve into herself that I’d applaud if it came from anyone else, but this woman is nothing if not predictable in her apology–bad behavior cycle. Agreeing, Lu says she’s sympathetic because Ramona’s clearly going through something and drinking more than usual and hopes there’s space for real change. This is the moment that almost gets me! New territory for the countess on every level. But nothing gold can stay, ya know?
👁 👄 👁 Kyle performs a dramatic reenactment of her formal-dinner fuck fest.
Back at the house, the gals get ready for the party Ramona’s co-hosting with the sentient thumb, John. Ramona tries to get everyone to join her in putting crystals on their face and is shocked that no one wants to look like washed-up Sailor Moon sporting Icing by Claire’s in exchange for a nasty case of contact dermatitis.
Settled at the dinner table outside John’s bachelor manse, Kenya immediately asks him about his type, which is “intelligent,” before suggesting that Luann is very intelligent. John is surprised because he “was expecting more drama,” but “they all seem to like each other.” This is why straight white men should not be allowed to make decisions — zero eye for nuance. Kenya decides to make it abundantly clear for him by providing a play-by-play of the yacht day. Ramona clenches her butthole and tries to get Kenya to stop because she’s suddenly concerned about the classiness of demeaning others in front of their peers as well as the mental well-being of John’s friend Thorn. Shakespearean levels of irony. Great stuff.
👁 👄 👁 Kyle feels bad for Ramona and thinks everyone needs to sit down and have a conversation.
Kenya and Lu plot to give Ramona a rise because “it’s the medicine she probably needs.” The entire situation is childish as hell, but if watching this mayonnaise jar of a man get nuzzled while he says the same five words about Toronto over and over is the straw that breaks Ramona’s contract with Bravo, so be it. Kenya attempts to teach John to dance and Luann gets his number while Ramona hunts for the ladies’ room and mentally prepares to remove her face crystals.
👁 👄 👁 Kyle leaves with Mauricio and his fake business trip for a proper snogging.
And I leave you all with this link to concierge Michael’s brand-new Cameo account ($20, which is somehow both too cheap and too expensive). xoxo