The Real Housewives: Ultimate Girls Trip
The craziest thing about this season of UGT is that it has so firmly turned me against two of my all-time-favorite Housewives: Gizelle and Porsha. As the episode starts, we have to relive Gizzy getting in a tizzy about her bottle of tequila (my new theory: They finished the bottle, and housekeeping threw it away) and then she says, “I don’t want to fuss and fight.” You don’t? Then why did you create a huge fuss and a giant fight over a bottle of tequila when you could have just asked everyone where it was?
Pepsi, for one, has had enough with the whole group. “I don’t know what is real and what is fake,” he tells the women as if he’d just watched an episode of Vanderpump Rules. I don’t know if it’s a language barrier, but Pepsi seems upset that they yell and fight so much. When they do it in public and at the temple and are disrespectful, I understand his point, but it’s their vacation. If they’re at the house and want to get into it with one another, what business is that of Pepsi’s? Also, I hate myself for giggling when Gizelle says, “Pepsi can’t handle us. We need a Coke or a Sprite.” Oh, just wait until she meets Pepsi’s wife, Mountain Dew.
That night for dinner, Marysol has someone teach them all how to make “cockies,” a term that Marysol insists on using as if it were a canned cocktail called Fetch. (Shout-out to Heather in this episode for making her very own Mean Girls joke.) Things are a little boring until they’re at dinner and Gizelle, who stirs as much pot as Whitney and Candiace smoke in the confessional, tells Leah, in front of the group, that she should ask Porsha why she hates her. This kicks off a conversation in which the two of them basically say that they don’t like each other and don’t vibe together.
Know what? That’s fine. If you put eight people together in a room, there is no way you’ll like all of them. I don’t even mind that they expressed it, but I don’t like that Porsha has to get mean about it. At the end of the conversation, she says she will change Leah’s name from “Poor Leah” to “Leah, Bye.” And then Leah goes, “Porsha, bye.” And then Porsha goes, “Leah, bye.” They repeatedly say bye to each other, and we all turn into kindergarten teachers and put them both in a time-out during recess.
What really pisses me off, though, is Porsha’s confessional relitigating the moment. She says that Leah was trying to get her “Housewives’ energy” going back and forth. Um, no, she didn’t. As soon as Gizelle brought it up, Leah was very calm, measured, and not insulting in her words or tone. It was Porsha with her “Leah, bye” that made it full of Housewives’ energy. Then here is Porsha accusing Leah of trying to fight with her so that she could get more clout or attention on the show or something? It was weird. Whitney, with whom Leah said she was having a good time, then tells Leah that she complains a lot and, well, anyone could see that. Still, thanks for saying it.
As the women talk about who they have had good experiences and bad experiences with, Heather finally turns on Gizelle and says the things she has been saying behind Gizelle’s back for days: that Heather feels like Gizelle was closed off from getting to know her and that Heather didn’t like it when Gizelle said she couldn’t trust a word out of her mouth. She even reused her joke from the bus about wanting to Teresa Giudice the table when Gizelle said that. Whitney tells us that this is the Heather she loves — the person who is not afraid to stand up to people and tell them what she thinks. The two end up crying together in the rain and then jumping in the pool like they’re Sonja Tremont Morgan of the Mexico Tequila Dynasty Morgans.
The rest of the episode is bland. Leah gets up from breakfast and runs into her room, dry-heaving the whole way. It’s her day to host an activity, but they go to the temple without her while she heads to the emergency room for more fluids to fight her dehydration. I guess you could say that Leah is so thirsty it made her sick. (Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week or until Pepsi kicks me out.) Anyway, all the girls think Leah is maybe being a bit dramatic, and Porsha says she’s giving out energy to bring everyone together. Really? Is that what Porsha is doing? I thought she was just cussing people out and eating KFC for lunch, because I haven’t seen her gather anything except bones against the other castmates.
The temple is pretty, and everyone behaves for a change, but I’m surprised Marysol offered them incense when she probably just wanted to provide them with a screwdriver she made for the ride over. After the temple, they all get fortunes, which are pretty nice. Pepsi translates and tells Marysol that her business will be good and her family will be happy. He tells Heather that she is blessed to have children. Well, two people got bad fortunes: Porsha and Gizelle. A coincidence? I think not. He tells Gizelle that she will find a man who is always broke. He tells Porsha that, much like me when I ate a nonorganic hot dog at a Snail Mail concert, she will have a problem with lesbians. I want to know more about what this means. Is this, like, her house is going to have an infestation of lesbians she can’t get rid of? Is she going to piss off the group by saying something insensitive? Is she going to have lesbian feelings and not want to act on them? I have so many questions.
That night, Whitney has a Tantric dinner with a hot Irish chef named Jamie, and all of the women decide he has a long, skinny penis, which is a shape I will take any day of the week. Actually, I have never once seen a penis and said “no.” Maybe I’m a slut — I don’t know. I’m certainly not a size queen like Ms. Gizelle Bryant, who says if she can’t hold on with two hands, she’s throwing that fish back in the sea. Heather is the opposite: She’s scared of a big one. Maybe these ladies can learn something from my experience with dicks, because I have seen more than Emmanuel Macron has seen protests. They’re all good — big ones, small ones, funny ones, ones that curve like Gonzo’s nose, ones that are fatter at the base than the tip, ones with huge tips and tiny bases. Once they’re in you, they don’t all feel the same but, you know, mostly the same. Just look at the guys they’re connected to.
Speaking of which, the best part of the whole dinner is when Whitney talks about her husband losing his job as a result of doing a cringey naked painting with her. She said she wanted to quit her job right then, but Justin said, “Do I take away my wife’s power and tell her ‘no,’ or do I risk it and let my wife be her?” He let her be herself, and everyone around that table, everyone watching that show, everyone on their couches and in the choirs of Mormon Heaven, all said simultaneously, “You better keep that man, Whitney Rose Lee.” The episode ends with Whitney doing a pole dance; getting really baked with her new BFF, Candiace; then eating KFC mashed potatoes on a pool floatie. I don’t know what your best life looks like, but mine resembles Whitney’s. Now if only she could share some of her joy with Porsha and Gizelle, because it seems they need it.