Should we just start calling this show RuPaul’s Groundhog Race? Because it seems like everything stays the same while the episodes keep moving. There was an uneventful double save the last episode, and we had to go through a whole new mini-challenge and a dreadful maxi challenge just to end up in the exact same spot, with Scarlett and Charity in the bottom lip-syncing for their lives. This reminded me so much of the end of All Stars 6 when Eureka returned from elimination to give us the exact same final five that we had the week before. If nothing is even going to change, why should we tune in week after week?
It’s certainly not for the mini-challenge, which is more of a waste of time than trying to explain vaccine science to Jessica Biel. This week they have to get into quick drag and do a doggie and trainer dog run, which is supposed to be funny but just looks like people trying out for Cats the movie, but definitely the butthole cut. I only lived for Charity’s doggie drag, which looked like a poodle that someone gave psychedelic mushrooms and then let loose in an Agent Provocateur. I see why the mini-challenges work in the U.S., where they’re usually just an excuse for some quick and profitable product placement. (That’s just what I used to say about bathhouses, too.) But here on the BBC, where they can’t do any of that adman mumbo jumbo, they’re not even worth our time. If they can’t be funny or interesting, at least bring back the Brit Crew.
The winners of this one, Scarlett and Krystle (who I totally saw in a café in London today), become team captains, and they each choose a team that has to make a commercial for the new Draglexa, which is really just Alexa if it was dressed up like Siri and wanted to crash Google’s home.
Scarlett chooses Kitty, Choriza, and Ella. We find out that Choriza has a degree in advertising, and I am just so glad that someone on this show went to school to major in something other than musical theater or doing bad voguing in gay bars. (I majored in AOL M4M chat rooms, so I know not to waste those valuable college years.) Krystal picks River, Vanity, and Charity, and their combined age wouldn’t even make them old enough to have been alive when “Supermodel” first came out on that old-fangled music-playing box with the dials. You know, MTV.
Because of their seeming inexperience and Choriza’s Don Drag-per persona, it seems like this challenge is going to be a blowout, right? Choriza’s now-legendary meaty tuck is going to win the day, right? Someone will order me a Domino’s pizza, and it will be here in 30 minutes or less, right? No. No to all of these things. Charity seems to be taking the lead for Krystal’s team because all anyone else wants to do is get in their pretty drag. Scarlett’s team seems like they have no clue exactly what they’re selling or what the concept is. As soon as we see them recording their video and Kitty is on the toilet trying to push out a stubborn turd, I knew all of these kids should be shitting bricks.
When we finally see the commercials, they are both as dreadful as we can imagine. Scarlett’s group doesn’t even seem like they knew what they wanted Draglexa to be. It was like it was a portal for a drag queen to show up in your house to read you randomly, call bingo numbers, steal your mimosa at brunch, or whatever it is that drag queens do. (P.S. I would pay good money for this machine.) The product made no sense at all, the jokes weren’t funny, and we didn’t even get to see all of the meat in Choriza’s tuck, so it was a total wash.
At least Krystal’s team made an actual commercial that made sense. Their Draglexa did all of the drag queen jobs that most people don’t want to do, like beating their faces, primping their wigs, or handing out drink tickets to annoying twinks with too much glitter in their cervices. But even as Draglexa is trying to transform the queens, the transformation is not complete. It’s like a commercial I made in seventh grade for, hey, wait, it was Domino’s pizza!
Ru and the judges hate both of these commercials, and they should. If you could commit grievous bodily harm to a home internet assistant, both of these would qualify. But, here is the thing, I think this is because of the lackluster double save. If all of these girls are still here and all it takes to sail through is a weak-ass lip sync like last week’s, why should they break their padded rumps to come up with something cute and original?
I’m also not impressed with anyone’s “expensive” drag. Ella looks great in a black dress that is dripping jewels all down the back, but her wig looks like the baby Pebbles Flintstone just sat on her head. Scarlett gives us Miranda Priestly in a pimp coat, but she looks like Harry Styles with a full face of makeup. It’s not drag or expensive. Kitty looks cute as always in a bodysuit covered in what looks like those gold chocolate coins you get at Christmas. I think Kitty is my favorite (sorry, favourite) in this whole competition, but she just needs everything to be a little bit bigger, a little bit more exaggerated, a little bit more drag.
The most baffling outfit, however, is Choriza’s. It’s a gold version of something Reba McEntire would have worn as Annie Oakley in the touring production of Annie Get Your Gun. She says it’s inspired by the gold rush, but there is nothing expensive about the gold rush. There is nothing expensive about cowgirls. Those were all poor working people, and while they deserve their due, they are not this week’s fantasy. I think both Krystal and Vanity both look cute though a bit common, which is usually just the type of guy I go for but certainly not what I want to see strutting in front of a scurrilous Michelle Visage. The only person to get an A+ is River dressed as an Asian bride. It’s the biggest and best outfit she’s pulled all season, and she “showed her culture,” which is at least an automatic safe and usually puts you in line for a win.
But there are no winners this week, and everyone is up for elimination. The queens also say who should go home, with the top vote-getters being Scarlett and Charity. What are we going to do with that Charity? I love her drag, I really do. She is the only one who regularly brings something wild and original to the runway, but her drag is not adaptable. This didn’t say expensive to me. It said king of the fairies. Last week’s didn’t say Spice Girls, it said cheetah. It’s like she comes up with a concept and then tries to shoehorn the theme into it. That is not how this game works, and even though she looked like a watchwork demon that would pull out your pubes in your nightmares (that is a compliment), it just wasn’t fitting the brief. I’m really going to miss our girl Charity, but at least next week we’re going to be a little bit closer to the final rather than just spinning our wheels like we did this week.