The woman who is kept in a cage and croons the Selling Sunset theme song says that the ladies are making money moves. Can she even say that? Is she Cardi B? She surely doesn’t look like Cardi B, just based on her voice and musical stylings. For some reason, I picture her as looking like Lita Ford but without a head. Why without a head? Have you noticed that this show loves to focus on women from the tee-tahs down? It’s always them getting out of a yellow Porsche or a slime green Bugatti convertible (isn’t that a road bike?) and it’s just heels, calves, thighs, tight skirt, ridiculous bag, flowing top, and you never quite get to the head. It’s like each time we see a character, it’s like a game of Guess Who, except you’re guessing which of their interchangeably thin bodies this could be. Finally, someone sits down at lunch, and you’re like, OH, it’s Mary.
This episode shows a direction that the show might also take, and that is to be like MTV’s Cribs, but you can actually buy the houses. This episode starts when Mary goes to meet Ayoub, the younger brother of rapper French Montana. Ayoub is a tasty little treat and I would like to French his Montana. Mary shouldn’t be listing this house; she should be giving this kid a real estate license and a job on this show. He gives her a tour of the 6BR home, which has all of the classic elements of a Cribs crib: a pool table, a wine cellar, a pool that someone has definitely jumped off of a balcony into, a $650,000 recording studio that looks like it was one of Skeletor’s backup safe houses. There is also an all-white grand piano, and Mary asks Ayoub if French plays. “Yeah, he plays a little,” Ayoub laughs because he knows that the only thing the piano has ever been used for is snorting crushed Xanax off the keyboard.
Mary lists the house, which French bought from Selena Gomez for $3.3 million in 2016, and what the show doesn’t tell us is that he had listed it a year before for $6.6 million and no one wanted it, possibly because it is in a suburb that is only cool because of its association with the Kardashians. It also doesn’t say she sold it in September for $5 million to another Oppenheim Group client.
Next, we see Christine’s yellow shoes get out of her yellow car, and then we see her yellow Versace print dress, and we’re waiting to see her head and SURPRISE it’s not just Christine, but she is wearing a matching Versace print beret. How devastatingly understated. She’s having lunch with Vanessa, the new Realtor and basically just wants to tell her that Chrishell is not as nice as she seems and that Heather tries to play really sweet, but she’s like a “jellyfish.” I think of her more as one of those dead squids from Super Mario Bros., but I get the point. Then she tells her that she won’t forgive Mary because Mary is still friends with this woman named Emma who was dating a guy at the same time she was and she caught them together and she can’t forgive Mary for this. It’s weird that she goes out of her way to say her name and then …
Okay, we have more legs, oh, now we have hips and ass in a tight pink skirt suit. Oh, there is a blonde ponytail shimmying back-and-forth as she walks through an empty house and chops pillows on a sofa, and we hear that Selling Sunset slutty Greek choir going, “Ooooohhhh. Ooooh oh oh oh oh oh.” Who is this person? Does she have a face? Is this just Heather with better hair extensions after she’s been stretched out on the rack? Then we hear Jason say, “Emma!” Oh snap. It’s Emma. Of course it’s Emma.
Jason has a chat with her, and we find out that Emma used to be an agent at the O Group, but now she’s bicoastal. “I have a lot of things going on,” she keeps saying. Things. Things. She has so many things. What are the things? Can’t say, but there are things. She is busy. With what? Busyness. I mean business. An empanada business, maybe? Anyway, Jason wants her to come back to the firm full-time to replace Christine while she’s on maternity. She’s like, “I have to think about it because things. I have things. Lots of things.”
And the award for Best Scripted Dramedy goes to … Chrisley Knows Best, but it must be a pleasure for Selling Sunset to be nominated. This show is more staged than all of the listings Chrishell has that she won’t be allowed to buy. Inevitably, Emma is joining the show. As soon as Christine spoke her name, we knew we’d see her. And as soon as Jason asked her, we knew her answer would be yes. Why do we have to stretch this out throughout an episode like it’s creating drama? It’s creating as much drama as when I go to Wendy’s and I’m like, “Am I going to order a Frostee? No. I’m not. I couldn’t possibly.” Bitch, you know I am getting that damn Frostee and I’m going to dip my fries in it and I am definitely going to spill it on a clean white shirt. Even asking the question is just some dumb game I play with myself.
To make this even a little bit more like Cribs, Emma shows Jason the DJ Alesso’s house in the hills. It’s a BoJack with 6 BRs worth $6.49 million, and Emma sold it to him for like $5 million a few years ago, so everyone is just making money off of this house that drunken Vegas weekends built.
While the ladies have yet to meet Emma, they’re about to get more familiar with Vanessa. Mary has Chrishell, Heather, and her over to gawk at Romaine and dream about him in a pair of very tight briefs. Oh wait, that’s just me. Romaine does tell everyone that he’s studying for his general contractor license and that he and Mary want to flip homes together. I smell a spin-off! So does Heather, which is why she is slowly poisoning Romaine by putting arsenic in his sugar cookies.
When Vanessa arrives, all the ladies are like, “We’re not going to tell you how to feel about Christine, but here are all the reasons why she sucks. Number 1: her clothes. Number 2: her attitude. Number 3: …” Vanessa tells the ladies that she has been invited to Christine’s baby shower, and Mary is mad she was not, Chrishell is not surprised at all, and Heather says she got invited, but it was kind of last-minute, and Tareq wasn’t invited, and now they only go places where they can wear couple’s costumes together, and they were not dusting off their Sexy Mustard and Sexy Ketchup costumes from Yandy for Christine’s party.
The next day Vanessa goes to Christine’s shower, and Christine can’t even remember her name, and we’re all at home like, “Ah doy!” but it is her shower, and she is pregnant, so I’m giving her a by on this one. I only bring it up because Vanessa is like, “We just had lunch yesterday.” Wait, so Vanessa went to lunch with Christine, went to Mary’s, and then went to the shower? It’s so much back and forth and coaxing about what team she is going to be on. It reminds me of this U.K. reality show called Shipwrecked, which is basically like Survivor where there are two tribes, but instead of people getting voted out, there are two new people who decide which of the two tribes they think is cooler and they want to join. At the end of the season, the bigger tribe wins. That is totally what these women are doing with Vanessa; it’s just factions.
While Christine is having her shower, the women are at dinner, and Chrishell is like, “What Christine is doing is so calculated. She doesn’t care about her.” I say the same to #TeamChrishell. Mary thinks she’s just being sweet, but she’s trying to get allies too. While I don’t think that Chrishell is as evil as Christine makes her out to be (at this point, I can’t even remember what Chrishell supposedly did to her to make her mad in the first place), this is all just building alliances for the reckoning to come. That reckoning is, I don’t know, they all get incredibly rich selling real estate on a TV program. Yeah. Awful reckoning.
Christine’s shower is a mountain, and that mountain is named Peak Christine. There is a neon jungle theme, and Jason and The Other One are there along with Maya, Amanza, the ghost of Divina, and Jesse Tyler Ferguson for some reason. There is a sloth, little canapes shaped like frogs, and hunky men in underwear painted to look like wild animals serving drinks. Now, I am all for exploited naked waiters, but they’re hot enough without carnival face painting all over their whole bodies. Can’t we just let them be hot and put a banana leaf over their, ahem, bananas. The only thing more embarrassing is that Christian and Christine want their baby to have a C name so they can be like the Kardashians. The problem is, it actually needs to be a CH name. You can’t be Christian, Christine, and Carl or Corey or Claire. That’s now how this works. But I guess we’ll all meet the baby soon enough, but considering it was gestated during the taping of the show, it’s probably going to come out feet and legs first, leaving its head as a bit of a surprise.