When Jason and Brett (if he exists) Oppenheim got the “birds and the bees” talk from their parents, they were like, “When mommies and daddies love each other very much, a stork comes and drops a baby off on their doorstep.” And they were like, “Well, why are there two of us, and why are we always wearing the same thing even when it’s not a Little League uniform?” And they said, “When mommies and daddies love each other very much, but up the butt, a stork comes and drops two babies off.” That is how they think babies are born, and that is why Jason asks a very pregnant Christine, “So what happens now?”
Um, what happens now? Dude apparently skipped health class to go smoke behind the gym. (They say smoking stunts your growth.) She has the fucking baby, dude. It comes out of her vagina, and then she takes it home and loves it and cares for it, and one day deals with the crushing disappointment that it will never fulfill all of the dreams she never achieved for her. That is how parenthood works.
He asks Christine this at a listing for a five-bedroom, $6.45 million house that Tyra Banks used to own, so you know that it is dealing with some PTSD for all of the torture she put it through, just like most ANTM contestants. Actually, it’s a gorgeous Spanish-style villa with a huge living room, vaulted ceilings, and magnificent period details. After she shows him around this listing, he tells her that Emma, the set of legs that we met in the last episode, will be taking her place while she’s on maternity leave. She tells him that she’s very upset. “You know the background of me getting my heart broken and she being the one in the middle,” she says. He says that he remained friends with both of them and didn’t know she was hurt this badly. Christine sheds a crocodile tear, and I’m thinking to myself, “Wait, didn’t this happen like years ago, and she’s married to another dude and just about to have a baby.” Christine has more Extra on her than Mario Lopez’s résumé.
Speaking of which, Christine has the baby, and everyone learns about it on Instagram, which, to be fair, is how we find out about all life events now, so the jealous ladies at the O Group need to take a big swig of that Oppenheim Vineyards Wine Experience that the twins can’t get rid of and chill out. Amanza and Vanessa go by Christine’s house days later, and she is wearing a Fendi-print dress and has on a full face of makeup because that is entirely realistic. Also, just like Dorit Kemsley on Rich Women Doing Things, someone needs to tell Christine that wearing a bunch of labels is not style; it’s just being rich and ignorant.
Though I hate her look, her experience having the baby does sound terrifying. She tells us that she was doing Pilates and “inversions” on her head in yoga class up until the baby was born, and I want a “Sure, Jan” GIF, but for every time she’s a try-hard. She says that the baby was coming out sideways with the umbilical cord around it, so they had to do an emergency C-section, and the last thing she heard before passing out was that her baby’s heart rate was slowing, and they didn’t know if he would make it. Yeah, I like to clown on Christine, but I secretly love her deep in my heart, and that sounds absolutely terrifying.
Just as terrifying is the story about Amanza and her ex, who one day dropped the kids off at school after eight years of parenting, and now no one knows where he is or what he’s doing and he is just totally out of their lives. This show is more scripted than the best man’s speech at Tom Cruise’s last wedding, but it’s crazy shit like this that keeps it grounded a little bit in the real. As Amanza says, I’m one of those people who want real answers about what is going on, but I guess we just won’t get them. People are dark and mysterious, and some of them don’t even like the free breadsticks at the Olive Garden, so there are many events that will go unsolved.
The other big story in this episode is that Chrishell goes to see a four-bedroom, $3.495 million house, and as soon as she and Mary pull up to it, I think Just like on House Hunters, she has already bought this house and they’re going to make us think she hasn’t bought it already. It’s actually a gorgeous house in the hills. It has a big bedroom that overlooks a canyon where a dingo has definitely eaten someone’s baby. It looks perfectly chic for the amount of money, and I’m happy for Chrishell. My one problem is that everyone knew the cameras were coming and no one could take a skimmer to the kidney-shaped pool. That’s like getting your headshot with last night’s trick’s fluids still crusted on the cheek.
Later we see her bid on the house with Jason on speakerphone, and she totally gets it even though there were like six other people bidding for it, and everyone is happy for Chrishell who knows she’ll never be homeless again and it’s all sweet and lovely. I’m very happy for her. Then I think about it for a second. These people are Realtors. They should know the market is really hot right now. I know she wants a house, but wouldn’t she know to like wait a bit, maybe get something at a little bit of a less inflated cost? I don’t know, just an idea.
Everyone goes to Jason’s house, and it is the one BoJack to rule them all. It is essentially just a window on a cliff with those erector-set-tube chandeliers everywhere. It is the house equivalent of a TV that comes up out of the floor. It is both tacky and bland simultaneously, which is a feat usually only accomplished by sushi rice. As everyone is sitting down to dinner, Emma shows up, and everyone is like, “Emma!” except Romaine, who is like, “It is past my bedtime,” but in French.
We learn a little bit more about Emma, whom Laura Dern will play in the live-action version of Selling Sunset this episode. The “things” that she kept mentioning she was up to last weekend is that she is from the Boston area and is running a vegan-food business, which is why she’s back and forth so much. We see her getting out of a private jet, but come on, that can’t be hers. I’ve never even heard of her company, which has only 2,000 followers on Insta. The most important thing we learn about Emma is that she wears little to no clothing. She gets off that jet basically wearing a red bikini top and the sneer of someone who believes “Drop top, girl boss, shopping like a purse flop” lyrics of Selling Sunset are actually about it. When she shows up to dinner, she is wearing one bear’s jockstrap as an entire dress. All we can see is skin and smiles, which, honestly, is the secret to being good at real estate and excellent at reality TV.