When it comes to reality shows like The Real Housewives, I always err on the side of thinking that everything happening onscreen is real. Oh, of course Meredith Marks rented a ten-bedroom house for her whole family that they “can’t use” and now the women are going on a trip. Makes total sense. When it comes to Selling Sunset, I’m the exact opposite; I just assume that everything we’re seeing is fake and it must all be one giant put-on. Otherwise, why would these people actually behave like the sort of CGI monsters that threaten a rural village in a kung fu movie?
After this episode, I think I’m changing my stance on this one. I don’t think Christine is putting it on for the show anymore; I think she’s actually that awful and horrible of a person. The same goes for Davina. What changed my mind? Well, it is the scene in which Mary talks to Vanessa and says, “Stop talking for a second. I want nothing to do with her.” She sets a hard boundary when it comes to Christine. If this were all for show, she would know that she has to make up with Christine at some point to keep the plot moving along. But nope, she wants Christine to choke on a pair of Versace-branded leggings and a matching top, which should be easy because Christine owns about 90 of them.
The episode starts at the end of the doggy birthday party, and Christine says she can’t deal with Mary’s “frantic energy,” as if she is not the one who came to her doggy party after not inviting Mary to her baby shower. Christine instead decides to talk to Emma, her ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend whom she marauded at the Crunch on Sunset, well known for its cruise-y steam room.
They sit down, and Emma insinuates this is not the first time they met, and Christine says, “Honey, that’s fine. That was years ago. This is me talking to you now, meeting you, saying nothing that happened mattered.” This couldn’t be more condescending if an inmate said it on a down escalator. (Get it? Con? Descending? With that joke, I officially became a dad.) Well, if none of it mattered, why is she still mad at Emma? Why are we even talking about it now?
Christine tries to retell the story, making it seem like she talked calmly to Emma in the moment and was trying to help her out by letting her know this man was a rat. We have watched Christine on this show for three seasons now. We know that the sounds coming out of her mouth were like a banshee getting a colonoscopy without lube. There was nothing calm about her.
Emma says the incident happened in March and that Christine and the ex broke up in August. When Christine says this dude proposed to her and hopes he didn’t give Emma the ring, Emma says she knows the ring was picked out for her. She says she kept the proposal a secret, though, and the only person she told was Davina. Christine is leaning so hard into victimhood she was just cast as the corpse in the first scene of SVU for the entire 48th season. No one is buying it, particularly not Emma.
At the end of the episode, Mary takes Emma to French Montana’s house, which sounds like a phrase with a filthy entry on Urban Dictionary but is not. Mary says she knows Christine is lying too. She knows Emma’s ex was asking the brothers Oppenheim all these questions to buy Emma a ring. She knows that Christine and this dude were broken up. She knows that he never asked her to marry him. She knows that Davina wasn’t even working at the O Group and that Christine didn’t even know her when the whole thing went down. No, this is Christine being dramatic for the camera; this is just Christine being an asshole. I think she would agree to be the villain for the betterment of the show, but she would never agree to look like an idiot.
Speaking of looking like idiots, does the show think we’re that dumb, because the inevitable happens and Davina is back at the O Group to annoy us once more with her hairstyles that look like they belong on an especially high-maintenance Shih Tzu. First, she has to meet with Jason and Mary to talk about the conditions of her return. She has to bring her own listings, she has to listen to Jason when he says no, and she has to be more positive than Aaron Rodgers’s COVID tests.
We interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you Simu Liu, the Canadian star of Marvel’s Shang-Chi movie. Watch him meet with Chrishell and tell her that he really wants a boob while her pool slips out. I mean, watch him tell her that he really wants a pool while her boob slips out. Watch him give her awkward hugs as they try to make it seem like they didn’t meet on Twitter DMs one night while they were both horny and lonely in the Valley. Watch him ring the bell in the office and make everyone want to throw up in their knickers. Oh, bye, Simu. See you next time we can’t get another movie star to be on our show.
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming already in progress. Vanessa is trying to convince Mary to have a sit-down chat with Christine to get over their differences. Mary tells her that her stance on Christine won’t change and not so nicely tells Vanessa, who has been around as long as a housefly’s entire life span, to butt out of it.
Next up on the apology tour is Davina, who is back in the office, and no one is happy about it, particularly Chrishell. Davina tries to apologize, and Chrishell is like, “If you felt bad, you wouldn’t have waited like a whole year to say you’re sorry.” Chrishell eventually relents, and Davina says she would like a fair shot because she thinks people oppose her because she is friends with Christine. “I judged you by your own actions,” she tells Davina. Then Davina asks Chrishell what exactly it is that Amanza does around this place, and Chrishell says, “I don’t know. Wear braids and cute glasses, I guess?”
The Evil Axis of Christine, Davina, and Maya go out for drinks (JK, I actually love Maya, who is like the only actual human being on this entire show), and Christine is wearing a dress of which a shark took a bite out of the midsection so that we can see everything from her left underboob to the top of her left iliac crest. Christine just wants everyone to go, “OMG, you just had a baby like three weeks ago, and you look so good, Christine,” and I am not going to give her that satisfaction.
While they’re talking, she says that Heather has left her in the dust now that she has a fiancé. She almost fails to mention that she called their relationship “ridiculous” in the press and insinuated they were only doing it so they could be more famous. Then she blames Mary for “cockblocking” her from hanging out with people. No. It’s your actions that are cockblocking you. It is the way she behaves, the way she refuses to accept responsibility, the way she twists her motives to seem innocent, the way she uses her faux sweetness to smother them, like being waterboarded with honey. It’s all of these things about Christine — especially this kerfuffle that didn’t even happen on the show — that make people not want to be with her, and, I’m afraid to say, I think it’s all real.