We’re used to seeing a whole lot of filler on Selling Sunset, but it’s usually in the faces, not in the episode itself. Though late in the season, this seems more like a bridge to the later part of whatever will happen than advancing the story itself. Instead, I’m left to wonder about braids mostly. How much does this show spend on braids? Why do all of the women have them, and why are they always asymmetrical? Did they get the same artist who did all of Khaleesi’s on Game of Thrones? Who has the worst braid, and why is it Davina? Who has the best braid, and why is it no one? Just braids, braids, braids. What do you call a group of white women who all have one giant braid each? A Groupon, obviously.
The episode starts at Chrishell’s new house, and its finest feature is that she has hot movers bringing in her bland, plastic-wrapped furniture. Emma shows up carrying a basket full of artfully stacked products that is three times the thickness of her torso. Why are these women always arriving at each other’s houses carrying baskets of goods that look like they just looted them from the set of the Home Shopping Network? Nothing happens at this party; I just needed to mention the hot movers and also the baskets.
Jason meets with Christine to talk about how she needs to come back to work about four weeks after having a baby, and if this is not a lobbying attempt for the Family Leave Act that President Biden seems to have abandoned, then I don’t know what is. It’s like Christine was basically like, “Here, take this baby. I have a body to get back and a reality show to film.” Now, I will not tell any mother what to do or how to eat her cheeseburger without the bun with a knife and fork, but there is something rather conspicuous about the way Christine is handling motherhood.
Over on Doheny, Heather has the Pistachio King over to the same house for a third time because he’s worried that the house built on the property below his will block the view. She and Jason come up with the solution of having a two-foot balloon on a 28-foot rope to place on the lot below his. They can legally only build 30 feet in the air, so if he can see the balloon, he might see the house. Jason then humiliates himself that he can’t throw the balloon over the hedge, and anything that humiliates that chihuahua on steroids is a win in my book. I shouldn’t be too mean. This was pretty fake but also a clever idea and pretty darn cute.
Back at the office, Heather closes on this house, and Mary Frenches her Montana, which isn’t nearly as sexual as it sounds. As if to spoil their fun, Vanessa then tells us that the ghost of her dead realtor sister is haunting her because a house fell out of escrow and she needs to sacrifice three of Jason’s ex-girlfriends and rub their blood all over her body if she wants to erase the curse. Jason opens up his phone and starts texting old lovers immediately. That didn’t really happen, but I just basically wrote a pilot for a new FX show. Someone give me an EGOT for screenwriting.
What else happens during this boring episode? Oh, we hear about a lot of things that happen off-camera that sound interesting, but we won’t know because we didn’t see them. Amanza shows up and tells Chrishell that someone called Child Protective Services on her with an “anonymous tip,” and she got an inspection visit and had to take a drug test to prove that she is being nice to her kids. Awful and dramatic, but also, where are those cameras. (Also, I should apologize to Amanza for continuing to joke about how she does nothing around the office. Lady has a lot going on. I’m sorry. Just keep showing up with cute glasses and I will give you a pass for the rest of the season.)
Heather has a yacht party so that Tarek can continue to be mad at HGTV and so that Chrishell can meet Tarek’s friend Robert, a former Marine-looking loser who would rather party in Huntington Beach than go to L.A. and thinks it’s okay to literally carry a woman away from having fun with her friends so that he can flirt with her. I would subscribe to Robert’s Only Fans, but I certainly don’t ever want to see him again.
Oh, but we do hear more things. This time we hear that Emma’s friends are getting DMs from fake accounts, saying that the account holder knows something about Emma. They’re all convinced it is Christine because Mary witnessed her doing something similar while living together and something that Chrishell dealt with in the past. This is yet another thing that makes me think Christine is not playing a doctor on TV, but she is one in real life. And by doctor, I mean awful person.
The episode ends with both a bang and a whimper. Jason tells all of the girls on the yacht (and Romaine, who is not even man enough to wear just his swimsuit on a boat) that Christine is coming back to the office, and she gets her old desk back. All of the ladies are up in arms, but he tells them if she is back up to her old tricks, she’ll be gone.
Meanwhile, Amanza and Christine are getting pedicures at Christine’s house, and she’s like, “Hahaha. It’s a me. Wario.” And Amanza says, “I feel sorry for all of those other girls.” Christine says, “Yeah, me too.” Does that mean she’s getting fired? Oh god, I hope Christine gets fired. Oh no, wait. You can’t take Christine. What would we do without her! Where would all the filler go?