You’ve watched the Squid Game slapping scene multiple times. It made you feel things, vile little things. You wish to perform unspeakable acts for this psychopath salesman. You’re willing to debase yourself in ways you never thought possible. Yes, you were a grotty little perv before, but this man has you offering yourself up as “just a hole, sir!” And even though you know how humiliating it is to be attracted to a man, here you are, begging for a slap. That psychopath salesman is Gong Yoo, and baby, you’re sold.
Right now you’re experiencing what’s known as a Gong Yoo awakening — furiously Googling photos, videos, anything you can get your grubby mitts on to satisfy this unbridled thirst. And I’m here to make it all … a lot worse.
Before we start, I want to make one thing clear: This post is for people who are discovering Gong Yoo for the first time via Squid Game. I know Gong Yoo is a well-known Korean actor from Busan who rose to fame in the early 2000s. I know he’s already established himself as a brilliant performer and leading man. I know this because I am a tenured professor of Gong Yoo horniness and did my Ph.D. thesis on how he could absolutely ruin my life. But now is not the time to girlkeep bossgate Gong Yoo. Now is the time to welcome a new wave of wretched whorebags.
Two things we need to get out of the way first: Gong Yoo is 42 years old and six feet tall. If you’ve survived those two facts, you can advance to the next level: watching Gong Yoo in things that aren’t just Squid Game Slapping Scene Fan Edits. Here’s a starter pack.
Coffee Prince (2007)
Gong Yoo plays Choi Han-kyul, a spoiled little nepotism baby and heir to his grandfather’s coffee company, in this gender-reversal K-drama. He meets and befriends Go Eun-chan (played by Yoon Eun-hye), a poor, hard-working girl who’s a bit of a tomboy. Han-kyul mistakes her for a boy, and of course, shenanigans follow. Look, does it hold up? Probably not! Does anything?! Gong Yoo had been in a couple of shows before this but, for me personally, Coffee Prince was my thirst origin story. It established him as a heartthrob, and it put him on the K-drama map. And for that, it deserves a watch.
Guardian: The Lonely and Great God (2016)
Gong Yoo plays an unbearably hot 939-year-old Goblin who spends his immortal life scouring the earth for his Goblin Bride. Is the Goblin Bride a 19-year-old girl? Yes. But I refuse to get involved in age-gap discourse. HE IS ONE THOUSAND YEARS OLD AND A GOBLIN?? LEAVE ME ALONE. Hands down, this is my favorite K-drama of all time. It’s a romance-drama-fantasy with both heart and humor. Gong Yoo is, AndICannotStressThisEnough™, disrespectfully hot in it. There’s a famous scene where he and the Grim Reaper (played by another hot man, Lee Dong-wook) just WALK. It is one of the horniest things I’ve ever seen. And yes, of course, I’ve tweeted about “Goblin’ up Gong Yoo’s [redacted].” Need I remind you, I am a scholar of his hotness and a deeply unwell woman.
Train to Busan (2016)
This is my favorite zombie movie ever, not just because Gong Yoo is in a suit the whole time, fighting for his life. Yes, Gong Yoo plays a divorced dad who wears a suit, so already it’s illegally hot. Anyway, he has to travel with his young daughter (played by Kim Su-an) to Busan, where her mother lives, so that she can spend her birthday with her mom. Spoiler alert: They take a train. And that train becomes overrun with zombies. It’s a brilliant movie that’ll take you on a wild ride of emotions — chiefly scared, horny, and crying — which, like, what more do you need? Again, it’s important to remember, he is IN A SUIT THE WHOLE TIME, which will have you fighting for your life. Now, if you’re thinking about tweeting something crass like “Gong Yoo run me over with your train to Busan,” don’t. It’s objectifying and disrespectful, and I’ve already done it. A lot.
Okay, fine, I have not seen Seobok yet. What are you gonna do? Fire me? I have tenure! Anyway, from what I’ve gathered from the trailer, Gong Yoo plays an ex-intelligence agent. And like yes, he looks hot (another suit!), but he’s also a Fed so it’s like, ?? (Do not get me started on the HOT COP from Squid Game, please, I am a sick and feeble woman.) He gets mixed up with a clone who possesses the secret to eternal life — you know, one of those classic buddy-cop-clone movies. I’m still going to watch it, but the fact they didn’t choose to clone Gong Yoo? Missed opportunity. Do better.
I hope these recommendations have you foaming at the mouth like the rabid dog you are. And just to push you over the edge, I’ll leave you with a single GIF. I warn you: This GIF is essentially the videotape from The Ring — once you see it, you will die. Thank you. Welcome. And Gong Yoo, if you’re reading this, with the utmost respect, ruin my life.
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