Oh, Yasper, my adorable, back-flipping troubadour, what hath thou wrought?! I guess this wasn’t an entirely unexpected outcome — the guy knew every password and camera location in the house and had the most to gain from Xavier air-humping off this mortal coil — but still. Charisma like that shouldn’t be caged, man.
Danner has it figured out, but she needs to speak to Maggie before announcing who it was that sent the pop star to sleep with the shrimps. Maggie, through her kiddie-television lens, sees the after-party as an explosion of color, patty-caking grown-ups, and zany sound effects. She has nothing but glowing things to report to the detectives, as she spent the evening mainlining gummy worms, wearing Daryl Hall’s long locks, and hobnobbing with puppets (I totally understand Maggie’s enthusiasm, as I tend to believe most parties would be better if all the invitees were made of felt). The only downer note, Maggie reports, was witnessing Jenn No. 2 wetting herself in the front hall. Danner interprets this to mean that the absent wench is now pushing out her evil progeny at a nearby hospital. So the questions surrounding the blond wig and the missing Jennifer have been answered. Danner has solved the whole shebang! And Culp … is also there!
Zoë leads her daughter out of the recording studio, stunned by the notion that Brett might be Xavier’s murderer. After all, Maggie stated that her daddy stormed back into the house after reuniting her with her beloved koala and that his “thunder voice” implied he was about to rearrange a face or two. Zoë knew her spouse was a lying bully with a nasty case of IBS, but before this moment, she never thought him capable of killing anything bigger than her libido. Could he truly have done this? Aniq thinks not. He seems to recall seeing Brett exit the house during the moment at which X Marked the Sea-Spot with his body, but Yasper tells him to keep quiet. If Brett isn’t the one carted away in cuffs, it’s gonna be Aniq.
Knowing she has just 15 minutes before Germain and the captain arrive, but unable to resist a juicy unveiling, Danner gathers the suspects together in the living room to divulge her findings. Was it Chelsea, the unstable guest with revenge on her mind and cat opiates in her flask? Nope, as Indigo witnessed Zoë and Chelsea chatting by the stairs while Xavier drizzled the tranq-cocktail on Jenn No. 1’s head. Was it Walt, who desperately wanted to be remembered despite being the embodiment of a beige color swatch? Nuh-uh, because he was holed up in the foyer restroom planning a redo of his streaker moment. Was it Maggie, a child cruelly denied fruit snacks in the prime of her life? No again, as she was snoozing in Brett’s back seat. So who’s left?
As Zoë feared, Danner directs her accusations toward Brett. After all, he popped a caterer in the nose, shoved Aniq into a prawn hedge, and used his expletives, fists, and urine stream to threaten Xavier at every turn. Who else could’ve been the killer? Aniq steps forward. He may have enough moral wobbliness to smash up a Miata, but he’s not going to watch an innocent man get tossed in the slammer. He proclaims Brett blameless (of this particular wrongdoing). He then waits to feel the chill of metal on his wrists, knowing that he might be headed for prison, but at least he’ll be able to face himself in the mirror … hey, wait a tick! In all the stories Aniq overheard, Xavier’s closet door was closed. But when Aniq went upstairs to confront Xavier, he had to swing the sucker shut to see his sweet puddy-tat reflection. Someone was hiding in there!
Danner, who was almost certain of Aniq’s innocence but uneasy about his close relationship with the killer, now feels 100 percent positive that he is all things pure and good in the world. He simply didn’t know he was hanging around with a Ska-pe Fi-end! Yes, the sneaky hider was Yasper, who wasn’t about to let Xavier get away with snubbing his track. Without Yasper’s influence, Xavier would’ve remained a Eugene without a catchphrase. Now he was probably going to win his second Grammy for “How Great Is This Party?” This would not stand. Xavier owed him everything, and the platinum-haired poser was going to pay up one way or another. Yasper decided to snuff him out, tell the mourning masses that Xavier had gifted him track 12, and then release a duet with Heaven’s newest beefcake. To prevent the partygoers from hearing Xavier’s final ska-pe scre-am, Yasper made sure all the TVs were blaring MLK-barbecue hot jamz. If a guest happened to detect a piteous cry amid all the noise, they’d just think it was someone’s natural reaction to the ska music. Genius.
Yasper bleats about his text exchange with Xavier, but Danner counters that an A/V guy would’ve known his client’s password, just like Vaughn knew the password to his wife’s phone. As someone who can barely remember her own passwords, much less those of other people, I can’t help but admire these cold-blooded baddies, and if they’re looking for a kill method involving tractionless footwear and amniotic fluid, have I got an idea for them! Anyway, this is the point at which Aniq pipes up, his escape-room expertise finally coming in handy: Yasper used Xavier’s phone to erase the security-cam footage and swipe Xavier’s warbly voice memos. As Culp withdraws the evidence from Yasper’s pocket, Aniq shoots his homicidal buddy a look that says, How could you, friend? I thought we were a ska-pe te-am! But Yasper is already wooing potential fans with his opus “Who-o-oa, Music Boy” and will no doubt receive many lacy panties at the correctional facility.
Danner strides out to meet Germain and the captain, rubbing it in their faces that she has already solved the case and Germain can fly his unscrupulous booty straight back to L.A. Culp helps himself to some Xavier swag, a much-deserved reward for standing around looking puzzled for several hours and, I guess, finding Aniq’s phone that one time. Meanwhile, Jenn No. 1 apologizes to Chelsea for being a venom-spewing monster for the past decade and a half, and everyone finally remembers the name of that aspiring streaker guy! Walt’s pushing it, though, if he thinks anyone’s ready to acknowledge his birthday. Sorry, fella. That sort of info won’t stick in people’s memories until at least your fourth or fifth streak attempt.
Brett and Maggie look on as Zoë and Aniq toodle off to brunch in Yasper’s rental car. Bathed in a Bay Area sunrise, the chem partners smooch. Shaggy croons. And — oh, looky — suddenly there’s Walt, the perfect third wheel to a first date. But maybe I’m being too hard on the guy. If he happens to have ID on him, there are free pancakes in everyone’s future. I love a happy ending.
Stray Observations
• Xavier’s end-credits song is a masterpiece of self-awareness: “Got some enemies / I bet you wanna push me off a balcony.”
• My new life goal is to achieve Indigo’s ability to look like she is draped on a fainting couch even when standing upright.
• Thanks so much for reading — this has been a ska-pe dre-am!
