A frustrated ABC executive stands in front of a chalkboard covered in numbers and scribbles and incomplete equations. She wipes her brow and drags a big swipe of chalk dust across her forehead. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I figure this out? she thinks to herself as she stares at the impossible calculus before her.
“You,” she sneers at a bookish mathematician sitting in the corner. “Get your ass over here.” The mathematician looks up from his kindle edition of The Wedding Date. “Yes, you. You limp calculator. Fix this.” The mathematician slowly gets up and stares at the chalkboard. He experiences that uncanny sensation where you stare at a word for too long and it loses all meaning, but it’s his first time seeing these equations. The numbers look less like numbers and more like hieroglyphics. The equations are like sentences in a foreign language. This just doesn’t look right.
“Ma’am, if I may … what are you trying to solve for?”
“You see, it’s just … um … I mean … how … how are we going to do this?”
“Okay … well … that’s not math.”
Let’s get to it.
The sun continues to shine on Girlie Season, and apparently, no one has thought this through. Will the women give out two roses? Will they have double one-on-one dates? What if they fall so madly in love with one contesticle, and he’s forced to watch them make out to impress him? According to the men in the house, these are all valid questions that they would like someone to answer! But before we can get into the logistics of how the rest of the season is going to work (“Are they going to hand us a rose with both of their hands?”), we have to deal with the dramatic tension at the beginning of the episode.
IT’S RAINING. Rachel and Gabby sit under a blanket and sip hot cocoa and try to figure out a way to see some abs and butts despite the inclement weather. There are also like … a lot of them, so they should probably get to see their personalities, too. Butts first, personalities second. So they show up to the Bachelor Mansion in their best cream daytime separates for a pageant! They hand out a series of Speedos to see the men prance around in and the men take off to stuff their fronts and do some push-ups for some last-minute definition.
Okay, the pageant is ultimately meaningless and no one really gives any information that’s useful or tantalizing so we gotta talk about these “talents.” Spinning a basketball? Sure. Doing a headstand? I guess. Juggling? Okay, yeah. Flailing around with nunchucks? Doing that thing where you hold your ankle and jump over it with the other leg? POURING SAUCE ON YOURSELF???? Not a talent. No. No talent required. At least Jacob had some information to share.
Then there’s Chris. All of the bad choices in the episode really belong to Chris. He decided to show them three things: sports, music, and leadership. I’d argue that one of those things is a talent. One is a hobby and the other is a skill publicly endorsed on LinkedIn. His “talent” is bouncing a ball and making everyone clap in time. That’s the sports and “leadership.” Then he decides to freestyle a song for Gabby and Rachel, and he is not A Singer. This should have been our first sign to get rid of this man. Anyone with the unbridled confidence to improvise a song seemingly for the first time possesses the unhinged hubris that has led men to invade Russia on horseback. I want to fight Chris and he hasn’t even expressed any opinions yet.
After the pageant, the men who showed hole on main are rewarded with a private after-party at Gabby and Rachel’s house. Rachel, I need your stylist to step it up. Gabby looks like she raided Elizabeth Hurley’s closet in 1994 and this is a glorified group-date after-party! This is no time for olive green, Rachel. Jewel tones only! Aven, Logan, Brandon, Jason, Johnny, and Colin all head to the after-party. Gabby and Rachel both think of this as the real start of the season, so they’re both excited to get some more smooches.
Immediately Jason tells Rachel that he’s more interested in Gabby. Fuck. Rachel was interested in Johnny, so maybe … he’s making out with Gabby. Shit. Rachel finds Logan, and he tells her that she’s so brave for jumping back into this process, and they make out. Logan then tells Gabby that there’s a whole ocean of depth under her smile, and they make out. When Rachel and Gabby sit down to figure out who is going to get their group date roses, they both realize that they kind of like Logan. God damn it.
Everyone on this show is avoiding the one thing that would make it remotely feasible: All the guys have to pick a Bachelorette. Ya gotta do it! I know the men putting a rose in a box to vote for Kaitlyn or Britt set feminism back at least six years, but we have to do it now! Allow for a mid-season switch-up or a fantasy suite free for all, but the only humane thing is to make the men choose, or the women get to draft them. How has Fboy Island avoided this awkwardness and The Bachelorette hasn’t? TEAMS.
Whatever. Logan gets Rachel’s rose, and Johnny gets Gabby’s rose.
It’s time for the one-on-one dates. There will be two this week, and the first one goes to Jordan V, who the entire internet thinks Rachel just needs to choose to get this over with. My apologies, internet. We should have known this would end in tragedy once we saw the Zero-Gravity Plane Ride of Doom. Does no one remember Vanessa vomiting on Nick Viall in zero gravity?? Am I the only historian willing to connect our past to our current moment??!! This whole thing really turns quickly because Rachel and Jordan V seem to have a great time driving to the airport for the zero-gravity plane ride; they make out a bunch in zero gravity and Rachel spends the whole beginning of their night portion talking about how Jordan understands her career because he’s passionate about a career too. Rachel, girlfriend, I think that’s most of it — you wanna make out, and he’s got a cool job. That will get you to at least the fifth date. She decides after he tells her about his parents’ divorce (where he says he “took pride” in his parents being together when he was 13, which like … what?) that Jordan V is just not the person for her and sends him home immediately. Rachel. I do not want to tell you how to do your job, but you’re going to send home another couple of guys who are very into you. STACK THE DECK, BITCH!!
Back at the mansion, the guys are sitting around and Chris decides to open his stupid mouth. He says that if he made it to the fantasy suites, he would eliminate himself if “the female has sex with someone else.” If a man says “female” when referring to a human woman, RUN. Red flag! Red flag! The word you’re searching for is “woman” or “girl” or “person.” The other men are immediately suspicious and start inching away from him on the couch. “Wouldn’t you be in love at that point? And be able to have a conversation about it?” asks some guy whose face I haven’t committed to memory yet. “I would be there because I’m in the final four,” says Chris.
The guys try to point out that maybe because of what happened last season, he might want to bring this up to Gabby and Rachel in a more sensitive way, but Chris is not interested. Also, Chris, the top four don’t go to fantasy suites. That’s hometowns, you dumb bitch. Nate says that being controlling in that way and not trusting the bachelorettes is manipulative, and you can’t have preconditions to love and that a lot of men do that, and it damages good women. Incredible commentary for this trash program. It’s time for Nate’s one-on-one!
WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. I almost forgot. Because Rachel ended her date early and sent Jordan V home, she had to deliver the line “We were supposed to be ending the night with a private concert from Ashley Cook and Brett Young,” and Ashley Cook and Brett Young had to perform their country ballad for an empty room. I wrote in my notes, “I’M DYING NOOOOOO.” Back to it.
Nate is a girl dad and corny in ways that extend beyond saying the words “girl dad.” He heads over to Gabby and Rachel’s and has an awkward glass of champagne with the gals before taking off in a helicopter. Nate is very expressive and affectionate, and I guess that overrides him imitating Gabby’s “goofy” voice. He tells Gabby about his daughter in the evening portion of the date, and he’s able to talk about his love for his daughter in a very sweet way. This leads to Gabby talking about how she had to take care of herself and relearn how to love because of her relationship with her mother. She also says that she never envisioned herself as a mother but seeing the unconditional love that comes with parenthood, she can see herself in a different light. That’s amazing! We all need the number of Gabby’s therapist! Floppy Nate gets the rose.
It’s time for the cocktail party, and Rachel and Gabby tell Jesse that it’s still early and they aren’t going to split the men up yet. They head inside and the men want to take time to get to know the other Bachelorette. Mario spends some time deadlifting Rachel, and Gabby spies them out of the corner of her eye. Tyler reveals he owns a bunch of boardwalk games in New Jersey and Gabby smooches Erich some more.
Quincey, Josh Peck, and I wanna say Jorbin (?) decide that they’ve got to let the ladies know that Chris is a whole ass. Quincey pulls Rachel aside and tells her what Chris said. Rachel says that she felt she was dragged along to fantasy suites by Clayton, and she doesn’t want to be sexualized like this. She’s also wary of someone bringing up ultimatums when it doesn’t appear he’s had a conversation with her yet. Rachel tells Gabby, and Gabby says, “Ew.” They agree that this is disrespectful of their journey, but they have to hear Chris out.
Gabby says, “Do you feel it’s appropriate to be talking about fantasy suites this early?” Chris says that the real issue is that his words are being taken out of context, and he would prefer to speak for himself. He says he’s not trying to take away from anyone else’s relationship, but females shouldn’t sleep with people who aren’t him. Gabby says that’s calculating and inappropriate, and if he thinks they’re going to make him do something against his beliefs, he should leave. Rachel says he should apologize because he’s being condescending and dancing around the issue. They tell Chris to lead them out because he’s going home now. He stands outside with his drink and asks them if he should just go or … ? Yes! Leave!
Instead of disappearing into the night in an SUV, Chris finds his way back into the house and rounds up all the men he talked to before to question them about why they talked to Gabby and Rachel. Suddenly a producer appears with Gabby and Rachel charging behind him. Gabby says, “We asked you to leave,” and Rachel looks like she’s gearing up to say, “Get the fuck out!” Delicious!!
Time for the rose ceremony. Jason, Aven, Erich, Zach, Jordan H, Quincey, Michael, Tino, Jacob, Tyler, Jermaine, Hayden, Meatball, Kirk, Spencer, Alec, Ethan, and Mario all get roses. The Boston Bae Ryan is being sent home after he just said in an interview he’s going all in on Rachel. Having teams would have prevented that!
Finally, Meatball brought them more meatballs and the bachelorettes ate spaghetti Lady & The Tramp style!
See you next week!
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