jokes

Every Celebrity Tahani Has Name-Dropped on The Good Place

Photo: NBC/Colleen Hayes/NBC

You don’t have to watch The Good Place for long to realize that Tahani Al-Jamil is more than “a hot, rich fraud with legs for days.” She’s also a relentless name-dropper. But when Princess Diana is your godmother and Beyoncé is your best friend, can you really blame a girl for bragging?

In The Good Place’s third season, Tahani continues to outdo herself with her ability to wedge a famous name into nearly every conversation she has — and since she’s back on earth this season, let’s hope one of those bold-faced names eventually shows up. We’ll be updating this list with each passing episode, but for now, here’s who Tahani has claimed to know oh-so well.

Royalty

• “You know, this really reminds me of my time in Vietnam, picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana. Doesn’t really matter what she’s a princess of. It’s not really important.”

• “When I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace’s dress mausoleum and I swore to uphold the hostess code.”

• “I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar: ‘Let’s go.’”

• “Oh, it was a perfect evening. Princess Stephanie was there, as were Posh and Becks. You know, International Sophisticate magazine gave us five Gwyneths.”

• (On her dresses and jewels:) “I gave them all to Goodwill. [Pause.] That’s what I called Prince William — since he’d married a commoner, I assumed he’d know some needy people they could go to.”

Spiritual Leaders

• “It’s not about who you know, enlightenment comes from within. The Dalai Lama texted me that.”

Celebrities

• “Believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except, in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave’s panic room.”

• “I have to say, this neighborhood that you’ve built is truly a masterpiece, the likes of which I’ve never seen. And I’ve been to Johnny Depp’s private bird sanctuary.”

• “Hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, ‘No, your whole thing isn’t exhausting at all!’”

• “You know, I used to do quite a cutting impression of an ex-boyfriend of mine from the States. He’d be all like, ‘Hey, I’m so rich, I have nine houses, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio.’”

• “I also dabbled in some other professions. I was a model, a museum curator, an ‘It’ girl, and — oh, I was Baz Luhrmann’s muse for a while. That was quite fun.”

• “I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university. Although mostly I just stood around while Baz Luhrmann just threw glitter on me.”

• “My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball. Which I did. Couple of times, actually.”

• “The only trolley I’ve ever been on is James Franco’s ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.”

• “I mean, I’ve dallied below my station. I once had a brief fling with a non-famous Hemsworth brother, but even Larry Hemsworth had more status than Jason.” [Editor’s note: In the third episode of season three, Tahani sees Larry Hemsworth again back on Earth. She says hi by name-dropping his brothers, then apologizes: “Larry, it’s lovely to see you. Sit down, let’s catch up. How are Chris and Liam and Luke? Sorry, no I won’t mention your brothers again.”]

• “Sure, Ben Affleck told me he’d matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, ‘Guess what, Tahani, I’m gonna be Batman.’”

• “That roast was the meanest thing I’ve ever seen, and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.”

• Eleanor: “The real buzzkill whose name I can never remember. Keeblers … car … Kyra Sedgwick?” Tahani: “Oh, I love her. Dear friend of mine.”

• “You know, one of my shyest friends — I won’t say his name to preserve his privacy — but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his TV show, Anderson Cooper 360.”

• “Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must’ve made up.”

• “Maggie Smith is my godmother.”

• [On an MRI machine] “It’s roughly the same size as Nicole Kidman’s cryogenic anti-aging chamber, and I’ve never had a problem in there.”

• “I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile. Good-bye, Bono; good-bye, The Edge; good-bye The Edge’s real phone number that even Bono doesn’t have.”

Tahani’s contacts, minus The Edge.
Tahani’s contacts, minus The Edge. Photo: NBC

• “I once played a drinking game with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively at their macrobiotic farm with a particularly robust batch of homemade kombucha.”

• “I enjoy American football. I actually dated a player once, but he wasn’t my type, so I set him up with my friend Gisele… Bündchen.”

“I need you to act as my bodyguard, like my friend Kevin Costner in that movie where he was a bodyguard, The Bodyguard.”

“All my life this money has been a weight around my neck, like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me.”

“If you love someone, set them free. A good friend and yoga pupil Sting, no last initial, told me that.”

“There are plenty of other people I could help, like my good friend Ben Affleck and his crippling addiction to back tattoos — or my other good friend Matt Damon and his crippling addiction to my friend Ben Affleck!”

• “I haven’t had a pet since Barbra Streisand gave me one of her cloned Siamese cats and it killed itself.”

Pop Stars

• “I haven’t been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.”

• “I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend, Archbishop Desmond Tutu.”

• Eleanor talking about Tahani: “Yesterday, she told me that she was Taylor Swift’s best friend, but Taylor Swift wasn’t her best friend.”

• “There’ll be Fergies a-plenty in the Good Place.”

The One Percent

• “Anyone up for a little icebreaker? You know, I once did trust falls with Barry Diller and it was the beginning of a lifelong friendship.”

• “I am going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg before he ousted Eduardo Saverin: You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit ‘unfriend.’ I also told Mark to lose the ‘the.’ Just ‘Facebook.’ That was me.”

• “Reach for the stars, as I said to my good friend Elon Musk — and then he shot his car in space! What a weird creep, why was I friends with him?”

Just a Few of Her Biggest Fans

Malala Yousafzai and Kylie Minogue.
Malala Yousafzai and Kylie Minogue. Photo: NBC
Malcolm Gladwell and Cormac McCarthy.
Malcolm Gladwell and Cormac McCarthy. Photo: NBC
Every Celeb That Tahani Has Name-Dropped on The Good Place