It’s finally time for Kim to take the Baby Bar, which means that production has the unenviable task of dramatizing someone studying for and taking an exam — an act that unsurprisingly doesn’t translate well to reality television. If it did, My Super Sweet 16 would be called My Super Sweet SAT. But speaking of super sweet 16’s, it’s birthday season in Calabasas: Kim’s is October 21, Kendall’s is November 3, and Kris’s is November 5 (luckily Caitlyn and her October 28 birthday have been excommunicated; otherwise our plates would really be full).
After our studious protagonist Kimberly delivers a whole soliloquy about why she’s too busy for a birthday party this year, her family throws her a birthday party, where she eats Armenian food and gets texts from Madonna. It’s also where Khloé makes a passing reference to big dick energy — a veiled acknowledgment that the Pete Davidson era has begun.
The festivities don’t last long, though, and soon enough, Kim is back to studying — which we see via a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it montage of Kim reading at her dining-room table and close-ups of her popular-girl handwriting on index cards. This isn’t her first time taking the Baby Bar, but it will be her last, one way or another. It’s the last chance she has to pass, and if she doesn’t, her law-school journey ends — so the stakes are high. On the morning of the test, Kim (in her Willie Nelson braids) has breakfast with Kris, who says a prayer summoning angels around Kim for her exam. When I die, that’s the assignment I want as an angel. I don’t want to be in the Outfield, I don’t want to be in America — I want to help Kim Kardashian get through law school, and my ghostly form will sign the Hulu release to appear on-camera.
During her confessional, the producers ask Kim the million-dollar question: Why are you putting yourself through this? She has everything imaginable to live the most peaceful life (despite texts from Madonna), so why subject herself to this wildly intensive, stressful, and time-consuming ordeal? She says it’s something she not only wants to prove to herself, but she also wants it to be a big “fuck you” to all of her naysayers. “No one’s really respected a reality star with a sex tape, and I’ve always had to break through this stigma,” she says.
Afterward, she debriefs with Kourtney, who already broke her engagement ring by stepping on it (the only substance on earth harder than diamonds is Kourtney Kardashian’s foot — scientists, take note). The aptly named Kourt mentions her own past legal aspirations, noting that Kim has a tendency to follow in her footsteps, and Kim mentions their newfound shared taste in men as an example. Sound the Pete alarm! The subject of Kim’s love life naturally turns to Kanye, who refuses to sign divorce papers.
Normally, Kim says, she keeps quiet about these kinds of problems — but she rightfully points out the double standard she’s held to when it comes to talking about these personal issues. She’s chastised for talking about their business on a reality-TV show, whereas Kanye is praised as creative and expressive for talking about it in a song. Single Kim, as Kourtney calls her (even though it seems like a misnomer on account of Pete), is at a crossroads and has to figure out who she is outside of Kimye. Particularly when it comes to fashion, since Kanye dressed her — and when she finally picked out an outfit of her own, he texted her that her career was over and sent a photo of Marge Simpson wearing something similar. Though obviously abhorrent and disgusting, I do have questions because Marge Simpson famously only wears one outfit.
Anyway, across town, Kris invites Scott out to a diner for “her birthday,” which Scott objects to because he wants to attend a real birthday party (piñata, Fudgie the Whale, the works). Turns out that Kris is having an actual birthday party, to which Scott says his new catchphrase: “Nobody told me?” Kris pauses before feigning a glance at her phone and saying, “ … didn’t?” as if the text got lost in the mail. It’s a performance so layered that it earns her that fake Emmy in her office. The conversation turns contentious, with Scott saying that his exclusion is mean coming from someone who he considered his mother after his parents’ death. Eventually, Scott manages to strong-arm his way into getting an invite to the Nobu catered affair (which Kris initially tried to downplay as just a little house tour).
Much like the Last Supper, the soirée features 12 of her closest friends and family but puts Jesus’s little get-together to shame. Did he have Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi at his dinner? Was Faye Resnick there losing her mind over an insane fine china display room? Was the body and blood of Christ Nobu? I don’t think so.
The house is as dimly lit as an Outback Steakhouse, and the ambiance proves to be a great setting for a once-again mysterious conversation about Pete, whom Kim alludes to seeing the previous night. Though much like Voldemort, his name is never mentioned, Scott, Kim, and Ellen talk about how nice of a guy he is in a very choppily edited scene. “I’ve heard that, all that is fine,” Ellen says about his niceness before seemingly getting cut off — but to me, it sounds like Ellen was going somewhere with that, and her “but” ended up on the cutting room floor.
While we don’t get Ellen’s hot goss, we do get the scene from the trailer where Kim’s texting Pete in her confessional, and the producer asks, “Who are you texting, Kim? Does his name rhyme with feet?” It’s worth noting that Kim had to take off one of her crazy fashion gloves to text.
As for a relationship with nothing hidden, Kourtney and Travis naturally think it’s a good time to make out (in front of Ellen, of all places), thus (allegedly) making Scott lose his appetite (as if he’s letting Nobu go to waste).
Absent from the dinner (take a guess) are Kylie and Kendall — the latter of whom is in Miami getting IV treatments with Hailey Bieber. But she makes it up to her mother by stopping by later for an official house tour — which she wouldn’t miss for the world since she says her secret passion in life is interior design and architecture, which is a great secret passion to have if you’re very, very wealthy.
My secret passion in life is watching Kendall Jenner try and slice a cucumber, and boy, oh boy, is it my lucky day. Though Kris offers to have the chef come do it for her (wealth), Kendall insists that she’s perfectly capable of slicing a cucumber seconds before telling the camera crew not to zoom in because she’s “definitely not a good cutter.” Allow me to try and describe the scene: She is using her right hand to cut the left side of a cucumber. Rather than flip the vegetable around, she crosses her left hand over her knife-wielding hand to steady the opposite end. People could have died.
Luckily she’s saved by the bell when Scott arrives, and the three of them sit outside with their hummus and shoddily cut cucumbers. You’re not going to believe what Scott wants to talk about, never in a million years will you guess … yep, that’s right, not being invited to more birthday parties. This time he’s mad he wasn’t invited to Kendall’s, who tries to tell him it wasn’t some big event.
Scott Disick, the likely reason teachers everywhere enacted the “don’t hand out invitations in school unless the whole class is invited” rule, made a grave error in going after Kendall, one of his few allies in this world. A fight ensues, but before she storms out with her cucumbers, Scott misquotes something she said (or rather didn’t say) minutes earlier about the party. That results in her saying the four words I imagine all reality stars wish they could say if they were allowed to break the fourth wall: “Replay the fucking videos!”