The King, starring my king, Timothée Chalamet, dropped on Netflix today. While it’s not a very good or memorable movie and has failed to make a splash with critics, it certainly made a splash with people like me who are extremely online and extremely into the baffling and beautiful haircuts this movie contains. Most of the haircuts are inspired by the hair trends of the 15th century (read: lots of short bangs), but with a little modernity mixed in, because, you know, stars like Timothée Chalamet and Robert Pattinson need to look hot!
As such, we went ahead and took the liberty of ranking the best and worst haircuts in The King, from Robert Pattinson’s shoulder-length, sun-kissed beach waves to Timothée Chalamet’s dreaded, blunt bowl cut, and everything in between.
13. Timothee’s bowl cut
Bowl cuts are bad. But a bowl cut on Timothée Chalamet is not that bad, because it is on Timothée Chalamet. While this cut does remind me of the boys who wouldn’t let me play basketball with them during recess in elementary school, on Timmy, it emphasizes his exemplary cheekbones, which do not need any contouring tools. Applying bronzer to them should be considered a crime. Most people don’t know this, but Timothée Chalamet’s cheekbones are sharp enough to cut the hard block of Parmesan cheese that’s been sitting in my fridge uncontained for three (five) weeks.
12. This kid’s high-and-tight
It really takes a fan of high-and-tight haircuts to thrive in this era.
11. Thomasin Mckenzie’s horse-girl hair
It is incorrect to categorize this as a haircut because this head has never had one. Nice crimp, though!
10. This man’s teeny bangs
While watching this movie — which I don’t recommend or remember — I experienced extreme anxiety, because these teeny bangs made me paranoid that my bangs look like this. It’s not a good look, dear reader!
9. Joel Edgerton’s beard
Joel Edgerton, who co-wrote this film, looks like this in every movie.
8. Ben Mendelsohn’s William Penn hair
I love to see Ben M., but not like this, please! However, despite its flaws, this long hair is a great match for Ben’s attitude and his lovely skull, which is a gross way of saying that Ben Mendelsohn has Timothée Chalamet–level cheekbones and we don’t talk about them enough.
7. This lady’s sex hair
Timothée Chalamet has a sex scene in this movie. This lovely lady’s hairstyle is pretty, though it’s pretty unbelievable that a woman in the 15th century could achieve this curl (and hold after doing sex) without access to electricity or hairspray.
6. Lily-Rose Depp’s big hat
This isn’t as much of a haircut as it is a style, we have no choice but to admire that this was once fashion. Like the 1990s, it could come back again.
5. Sean Harris’s loose bangs
I like this more than I should, and am considering showing this image to my hairstylist the next time I get a haircut. The soft, salt-and-peppery waves paired with the loose bangs make his eyes twinkle.
4. Timothée’s later-stage bowl cut
Timmy’s face is literally muddied up here, and the bowl cut is a little more grown: Henry is busy doing war, and as such does not have time for a trim! The bowl cut looks a little better when it’s grown out, and the dirty war face adds some edge that makes it a little less 1990s skater boy and a little more Timothée Chalamet playing a king who fights in wars, like Stannis Baratheon.
3. Robert Pattinson’s hair down
All apologies to Dan Stevens, but this is exactly what the Beast looks like in human form … if he styled his hair with the $500 Dyson hair dryer. I regret to inform you that this is a wig, which means that Robert Pattinson did not grow out his hair then sit in a chair with foils in his hair for hours to get this sun-kissed look. The highlights make it look like Robert’s character spends plenty of time in the sun, but this movie was shot almost exclusively on overcast days in Instagram’s Perpetua filter. Maybe the film’s message is that King Henry, his cohorts, and his French enemies invented professional hair salons and all their services?
2. Robert Pattinson’s hair pulled back
This is the same haircut, but a different style, so it counts. Robert’s wig was braided and then pulled back. Everyone always looks hotter with their hair halfway up, even when they are making a child deliver a severed head of another child, like Robert Pattinson’s character, the Dauphin of France, does while wearing this look.
1. Timothée’s shag
Here lies proof that The King producer Brad Pitt sells his Troy sea-salt spray (a product he invented and made from the sea salt on the shore of the island in The Lighthouse) to other actors for their roles. This is pretty much Timothée’s current hair length in real life, but his personal styling is a little sleeker. And like everything else on Timothée Chalamet — even the bowl cut — the mermaid hair works on him. If Chalamet shows up to the 2020 Oscars like this, I will combust.