The Real Housewives of Atlanta
How can you follow up Mistress Angel and her dungeon party? How do you bounce back from Bolo and his “big peepee” (Cynthia’s words, not mine)?How can you top last week’s absolutely iconic episode of the television program we all know and love, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. In short, you can’t, but this episode does its best to continue the energy established from last week’s instant canon episode. We open back on Porsha, who’s been asked to bless the food before the group’s final dinner in the Isle of Palm, South Carolina. For some reason (read: Bolo Court), Porsha is not in a praying mood, and passes off the task to Auntie Cynthia. Canadian Tanya praises LaToya’s cooking skills, stating “LaToya you’ve out done yourself.” Somehow, under pressure from Kenya the Bounty Hunter, Canadian Tanya gets even more Canadian. After the prayer, Cynthia launches into a review of last night, saying that she is now a voyeur who loves to watch “hot ass bitches slob on each other,” which, honestly, who doesn’t? Apparently she masturbated to the memory of Porsha and Toya making out later that night. Feminist win!
Cynthia took literal notes on what she learned from the night before, and continues to share them with the girls. “I learned what a human bladder infection looks like,” she says, referring to Bolo’s bolo. What the hell is she talking about, I thought to myself as I googled “What does a bladder infection look like?” My gay ass couldn’t conceive of a penis going inside of a vagina, so Cynthia’s metaphor about Bolo’s dick being so big that it would give a woman a bladder infection flew right over my queer little head. Straight culture will be the end of me. Cynthia says that at first she wasn’t sure Bolo’s bolo was real. Canadian Tanya says his penis is fake (perhaps a cover up??) while Porsha quietly but definitively says “it’s real.” In confessional, Kenya accuses Porsha of knowing that his penis is real because Bolo was “banging her so hard last night that it was hitting her windpipe and making her call him DADDY.” It’s one of those moments where someone thinks they’re being hilarious and irreverent but really is just being mean.
A fair amount of people in the comment section last week (yeah, I peruse the comment section from time to time, what of it?) were saying Kenya was being fun and harmless with Bolo Court. While I agree Bolo Court in theory isn’t a big deal, with Kenya at the helm the whole enterprise becomes insidious. Kenya’s demeanor at dinner belies her true feelings about Bolo Court and proves that she absolutely wasn’t coming from a good place when she was trying to figure out who slept with the stripper. Kenya was not laughing with all the girls about whether or not Bolo’s penis was real. She was sitting idly by, silently judging them and making rude faces. Shamea absolutely hits the nail on the head saying Bolo Court started off fun by the pool but has morphed into something decidedly… less fun.
The ladies begin to re-litigate who bopped Bolo. Marlo tactfully says she heard “a party going on” and mentions it might have been a sex party. The central debate revolves around whether the sex party noises could have been people watching porn together, “cuz I be watching porn,” Marlo says, matter-of-factly. A woman after my own heart. Porsha is uncharacteristically silent throughout the whole ordeal, knowing that Kenya has been plotting this conversation all along. “She gon’ roll it out. This is her plan. She about to roll it out. She bout to tell you,” Porsha says about Kenya and, like clockwork, Kenya claims not only did she hear noises but she’s positive she heard group sex. You can say what you want about Miss Porsha, but she doesn’t miss.
After shading Kenya for never getting laid, Canadian Tanya reveals that she spent the night in Porsha’s room for no reason whatsoever, effectively putting herself at the scene of the crime. Girl, haven’t you ever seen an episode of SVU: you have the right to remain silent. Word of advice, do not put Canadian Tanya on the witness stand, she will absolutely crack under pressure. LaToya asks Kenya the question that’s on everyone’s mind: why do we care if someone fucked the stripper? Rather than saying, “I don’t care, I’m just being silly,” Kenya reveals her sinister, slut-shaming motives once and for all. She says it’s not a private space, it’s a shared home. Now, Kenya is straight up wrong here. Maybe my years of communal living due to having gone to boarding school are jumping out, but I don’t care if there are fifty-leven people living in one house at one time, the minute I shut the door to my own room it’s PRIVATE. I can do whatever the fuck I want there and I dare you to stop me, mom. Kenya goes on to call what allegedly went down with Bolo “very disgusting” and then has the audacity to play the Brooklyn card. Not Kenya bringing Brooklyn on the trip without telling the other women and then weaponizing her daughter in order to slut shame the other women. Not that. Sorry, but I’m gonna need grown adults to stop using their children as excuses for their despicable behavior, cc: Ted Cruz.
It’s about now that Porsha realizes that dinner has gone left and that she simply doesn’t need to be there anymore. “I don’t give a fuck about this dinner,” Porsha says, and then pulls a Merideth marks and, disengaging, chooses to leave dinner rather than play Kenya’s little game. Let’s be clear: Kenya ruined it. Even after Porsha leaves, Kenya continues her slut shaming game, but gets some pushback from Mistress Angel, a.k.a Kandi. “If you were in your room and you were sleep, they weren’t bothering you,” Kandi says, in defense of what allegedly went down between consenting adults behind closed doors. Thank you Kandi. Remind me never to book a quarter share in FIP with Kenya.
We leave South Carolina on a rocky note and head back to Hotlanta, with our first stop being Drew and Ralph’s new abode. We’ve come so far with Drew. I simply can’t go back to this Drew and Ralph storyline. That being said, I enjoyed seeing Nai-Nai, Pastor Jeanette, and the Dunkin’ Donuts they bought for breakfast. As for Drew’s new house with the white baby grand and the wine cellar, it definitely falls on the positive end of Housewives homes scale, more in line with the houses I like (Villa Rosa, Kyle Richard’s) and further away from the absolute monstrosities (Dorit’s, Dorinda’s, Teresa’s). Also, six bedrooms and nine baths? So many rooms for Ralph to hide from her!
Drew tells Ralph all about how while he was moving their three children and his mother-in-law into their new house, she was dropping it low for Bolo. Jump cut to Cynthia and Mike and Kandi and her work husband DonJuan as each of the ladies tell their betrothed what really went down in the dungeon. I must say, watching grown men hear that another guy has a “freak of nature”-sized penis is actively hilarious, 10/10 would recommend. For his part, Mike doesn’t seem to take the fact that Cynthia saw Bolo’s penis poorly, he just wants details. “He did a windshield wiper thing like err errr” Cynthia says, with some added sound effects for good measure. Mike is good-natured about it, acting out the windshield with a Poland Spring water bottle, which I have to imagine is similar in size and scale to Bolo’s dick. Cynthia makes sure to let the audience know that Mike Hill does have a big dick, which is absolutely TMI. I will say, even though imagining Cynthia and Mike having sex makes me physically ill, I love that Mike was super relaxed and good-natured about the whole Bolo thing. Yes, the bar is truly on the floor for men, but Mike passes it with flying colors! #CHILL indeed.
Ralph, on the other hand, is having a bit more trouble processing the information in real time, but somewhat surprisingly doesn’t blow a gasket. Ralph wants to know all the details about the bachelorette trip, but Drew didn’t get all the details re: his trip to Tampa, and she doesn’t appreciate the double standard. When asked where he stayed in Tampa, Ralph turns into Porky Pig and starts stammering before he says “a hotel” without saying the name of the hotel. “Babe, I was learning how to make it clap,” Drew says as a defense for clapping on Bolo. “I thought you would be very proud cuz I’m gonna come home and clap it for you.” Remind me to put that on my list of “amazing excuses.”
Thank God Kandi is talking to Don Juan and not Todd, because she’s spilling the TEA. Don Juan asking the RIGHT questions, i.e. “who’s on the hallway?” Kandi laughs as she recalls how Canadian Tanya absolutely blew up her own spot for literally no reason. Kandi is a girl’s girl so she pleads the fifth re: Porsha and Tanya in confessional, but by the same token, Kandi is a girl’s girl which means she’s a lil’ messy and loves to gossip, so she tells Don Juan that she also heard noises coming from that room. Don Juan confirms what we all knew from security footage, that Bolo didn’t leave the house till 7 a.m. and didn’t stay in his designated lodgings provided by Kandi’s production company. The secret’s basically out now thanks to Kenya and Tanya, so I’m not gonna lie, I did thoroughly enjoy Kandi and Don Juan’s banter about the alleged threesome. Porsha should absolutely trademark the phrase “Social Justice Snatch.”
Not Kenya being the covergirl for a magazine shoot about women’s empowerment mere days after dragging Porsha for being an empowered, sexually liberated woman. Let’s start this segment with a compliment: Kenya looks fantastic in her black leather outfit in the photo shoot for Alpha magazine. LaToya comes through with a cake while wearing one of those miserable face shields that I almost forgot existed. Apparently Kenya has put her relationship with LaToya on ice after what went down in the Dungeon. “We’re eating cake but I’d really like to just smash this cake in your face right now, and not in a good way,” Kenya says, which is a totally normal and regular way to meet a friend who you’re having issues with. LaToya tries to explain why she was rightfully upset with Kenya for the way she was putting everyone on blast via Bolo Court. And then, with one flashback, everything becomes clear: Kenya was angry at Porsha for pitting the women against her for bringing Brooklyn on the trip and wanted to hurt her. So she jumped at the chance to humiliate and publicly shame Porsha. That’s the thing about Kenya, even when she is doing something “fun” there is always, ALWAYS a sinister motive behind it. Bolo Court was Kenya’s way of exacting her revenge on Porsha for making her feel bad about bringing Brooklyn on the trip.
Right when I’m ready to throw Kenya out with her baby and the bathwater, she tells Drew that she was hurt by the aftermath of the dungeon night because she has a crush on her. Record scratch. Oh, so we’re reaaallly going there with bi-curiosity this season. “I was having fun in the dungeon no matter who it was,” LaToya says, uttering an instant classic line. Kenya somehow manages to throw LaToya in with Canadian Tanya and Porsha, claiming they all slept together. LaToya denies this, citing the fact that she threw up at some point late in the evening, confirmed on the night cam footage, and took herself to bed. You see? Sometimes being the messiest one can get you out of trouble! Kenya calls out Porsha’s past penchant for shaming people for their past ho behavior, and the show flashes back to reunion clips from seven and five years ago where Porsha does just that. While Kenya is technically correct, the most recent documented footage the crew could find is from half a decade ago. Five years ago, Porsha thought the Underground Railroad was a train, and now she’s got a Social Justice Snatch. People change and grow. I think Kenya should learn how to do that.
Speaking of Porsha, she invites her new neighbor Drew over for warm muffins and mimosas, which is my dream breakfast. As it turns out, Porsha loves Drew! Also, Drew needs a friend and Porsha needs ally now that Marlo and Kenya have reunited. Drew and Porsha talk about how nosy Kenya was and how she was coming for Porsha without directly coming for Porsha. “Girl, if you want to come at me, go ahead and come at me.” Porsha says that because girl code was broken, she’ll never party with these ladies again, which is honestly the saddest thing in the world for me. Look, Porsha’s a good time girl and also a vegan. Have you ever met a fun vegan before? It’s so incredibly rare. During their brunch moment, Ralph calls Drew to find out where she is, and Drew lies about her location. Not gonna lie, I kind of love it, and like “lying” Drew way better than “marriage counseling” Drew. Remember, a lie a day keeps the husband at bay!
We end the episode with a rude awakening for our resident shit-stirrer, Kenya Moore. Kenya is at her lawyer’s office, filing for custody instead of divorce, because she and Marc have spoken so little that she doesn’t know where their relationship stands, while “the issue with Brooklyn Is immediate.” Ummm if you have spoken so little with your husband that you don’t know whether or not you are still married, methinks that divorce is just around the river bend, but what do I know? Kenya’s lawyer literally laughs in her face when she reports that Marc recently sent her love songs. He rightly calls what Marc daly did doing “pulling a stunt.” Another stunt Marc Daly pulled? Filing for divorce in N.Y. without telling Kenya. Not Kenya falling for Marc Daly’s mixtape and thinking that she should stay married five seconds before she gets served divorce papers. He filed in NY and Kenya lives in Atlanta, so it doesn’t really count, but still, the writing on the wall is clear. Obviously this is sad and painful to watch, but it’s difficult to feel that much empathy for Kenya after the last two episodes. Maybe she should have used better judgment before getting married to Marc Daly.