I know I said it just six months ago, but I’m afraid I’m not only going to have to say it again but start a Change.org petition, go on a hunger strike, and hire a convoy of Canadian truckers to take our nation’s capital by storm. Yes, I’m talking about how Bravo needs to do away with the “To Be Continued …” at the end of the episode. This time it is especially ineffective. Last week we got a TBC right before a fight seemed like it was going to break out between Jackie and Dolores and Jackie’s “frat party” that was so lame that it didn’t even have one paddle or one Greek letter on the wall. Not even a “Delta, Delta, Delta can I help ya, help ya, help ya.” Surprising no one, a fight does not break out. Big Frank comes in and saves the ladies from “Patterson Dolores” before she can totally Hulk out and bite through two fingers of one of the ladies or something. I don’t know. That’s what Frank says, and he’s convinced that she’s a zombie.
The problem with a TBC, which has been spreading throughout the franchise like a syphilis rash, is that we all know it is an empty promise. The continuation is never as good as the tease. Since that is displayed at the beginning of the episode, it is shocking that Bravo thinks they can swindle us again a mere 60 minutes (43 without commercials) later. The TBC really serves no purpose. Girl, we are going to tune in. We have been watching for approximately 10,562 episodes so far; you think that if Teresa storming off because her boyfriend is mad is going to make us give up this show 12 years in? Come on. You’re crazier than Milania Giudice after two Four Lokos.
That said, I am continuously amazed that so many years into this great American experiment that the Real Sbarro Pizzas of Molly Pitcher Rest Stop still manages to shock and disgust me. I am talking about the dinner that the Catanias have to set some ground rules about Frank moving into the house. This whole situation is stranger than a book by Camus. First of all, did Dolores have anything to do with these kids genetically? Because they both look like clones of Frank. Secondly, he’s like, “I want to live under the same roof with my whole family,” but Dolores is still going to hang out in her townhouse because she is happy eating half-stale Triscuits and watching Love It or List It naked on her couch. (Like us, Dolores also hates that they always love it.)
Maybe Frank just means that he wants to live with his two adult children and doesn’t care if Dolores is there, but she will make sure that the kids get the rules they want. Gabby says that he can’t have any “adult visitors,” and Frank is like, “What? Your boyfriend stays over; your girlfriend stays over. You don’t’ have sex?” Gabby then tells him that it’s not the kind of sex that he has, which they can hear from three floors away. “Well, maybe your boyfriend doesn’t sexually satisfy you …” Frank says and is luckily shouted down before he says something along the lines of, “like I do.” Oh, Mamma Mia! Pappa Pea! I know that all humans are sexual creatures. I know that my parents have sex and they know I do and that’s cool and all and I am open to talking about some aspects of that. But what is never cool is talking about the sexual gratification or lack thereof with either your children or your parents. And that is coming from me, someone who starred in a Bravo-themed pornographic video called Below Dick.
Luckily, this is followed up by a touching moment where Dolores has to break the news to her family that she took her boyfriend, David, to a nice farm upstate where he’ll have lots of room to run, so they’re not going to see him anymore. They’re all crushed. Maybe that is the problem; what Dolores wanted was a husband and what she got was an adopted son. She gives them their blessing to have relationships with him even though they’re not together. That is what I love about Dolores; she’s always so mature and modern when it comes to her family arrangements, even when she’s old school about her loyalty.
After the end of Jackie’s keg party — which ends with Jennifer and Marge reaching a sort of détente and Jackie and Dolores doing nothing of the sort — the other meaningful scene is when Jackie goes to the Renfrew Center to talk about getting treatment for her eating disorder, something that she has put off for 20 years. This really breaks my heart, especially when she says that in college, some guy said he wants a girlfriend he could lift with his pinkie. That is some off-handed comment he made on the quad and never thought of again, and it’s been knocking around in Jackie’s head, torturing her for the better part of two decades.
What is also harrowing is thinking about the physical toll this disease has. Her intake coordinator tells her that she must see her doctor before starting treatment because when she starts eating normally, her circulation will improve so much that the blood could overwhelm her heart and give her a heart attack. What? She could have a blood tsunami in her body? That is freaking insane. Eating disorders are so awful and insidious, and I hope that Jackie finally gets the treatment she needs. We’ve seen lots of storylines on Housewives over the years, but this is one that I think could make some real difference for people, and I think Jackie is incredibly brave for doing something about it. Not the Atlanta Braves, though. They’re canceled.
After that, everyone piles into their cars to head “down the shore,” even though in New Jersey, the shore is always over. Shouldn’t it be “over to the shore”? I mean, you’re going down some but mostly to the left, to the left, everything you own in a vinyl-sided monstrosity with frosted seahorses on your front door windows to the left. Dolores has a house in Tom’s River, and Jennifer rented one for the summer, as has Teresa. Melissa has the rest of the overflow, including Tiki Barber and his wife, Third Eye Blind’s other song, to Missy G’s, which is what she calls her house. I’m sorry, but I would love an invite to Missy G’s. You get to hang out by the pool drinking straight vodka out of the water cooler, show your chooch off in your room and no one minds, and stare at a shirtless Joe Gorga all day. Oh baby, do you know what that’s worth? Missy G’s made heaven a place on Earth.
When the convoy heads to the beach, there doesn’t seem to be much going on under the boardwalk except that Dolores, mad at being called out by Jackie, tells Jennifer that after Marge told everyone that Bill cheated, Jennifer said, “That’s what you get for sticking your dick in someone else.” Jen says this is “the most disgusting thing someone could say.” Oh, sweetie. Have you seen The Aristocrats? It’s a little callous, yes, but it’s not nearly as disgusting as she makes it sound. What Dolores leaves out is that Jackie said she feels bad for Jennifer, but not for Bill before that. I think Jen would second that emotion, but she decided to forgive that guy as Dolores points out. Jackie should lay off the nasty comments even if she thinks his actions are wrong. I’m sure more of this fight will happen next week, but we wouldn’t know because the TBC means we don’t get scenes from next week because Bravo is an awful partner and likes to do us dirtier than a group of 10-year-olds eating a melting ice-cream cake. (Mmmmm. Fudgie the Whale …)
The other thing everyone is talking about is Teresa’s man, Luis. Apparently, his weird video is back on the internet, along with some people saying he is involved in some really shady business deals. Hey, you can’t say Tre doesn’t have a type. There’s all this confusion about where Luis is. Teresa tells Jen that she got her weekends mixed up, that there are all these people at her house, and she can’t stay there, so she wants to crash with Jen. In retrospect, it looks like Teresa is just covering up for her man so that he wouldn’t have to talk about these things on camera.
At the end of the episode, a producer confronts Teresa to talk about these things, and Teresa says that she is in the public eye, not Luis. He shouldn’t be hounded about this stuff. She then gets mad that they’re filming and leaves. You know I have nothing but hatred in my heart for Teresa, but she should be fired for this. She makes $1 million a season because she made the Faustian bargain to share her life, her entire life, with the cameras. It has benefitted her wildly in her decade-plus on television. She can’t decide now that some things are off-limits.
Like I said, the bargain is Faustian, and that means, yes, Luis signed up for this. One of the first questions you ask someone on a date is, “What do you do for a living?” He knew she was on a reality show. That means he would be on a reality show. If he chooses to keep dating her and ask her to marry him, he is signing up for the show by continuing to be with her. It’s like sitting in the Splash Zone at Sea World and then asking for your money back when you leave the park with wet drawers. He knew what was happening, Teresa knew what was happening, and her sticking up for her man is a bad faith argument where she keeps trying to control what about her life gets out there. Yeah, there is a way to do that. It’s called quit the show. You don’t ever have to answer a question again. And don’t throw a “To Be Continued …” about what Teresa would choose in this instance. Just like when Bravo does it, we all know what is going to come next, if they would only respect our intelligence enough not to string us along.
