At some point when you’re watching a Real Housewives franchise, you have to ask yourself one crucial question: Could I be friends with any of these women? Sure, I can watch them for hours on end, but could I actually go to lunch with any of these people? I think first of all, you have to see them as people with lives that began before the show and will continue on after they’re stripped of their ceremonial object. There are some Housewives that seem to be born, fully formed out of Andy Cohen’s skull like Athenas in Gucci. You can’t be friends with those Housewives. So once you get past the hurdle of reconciling these women as mortal humans, then you can ask the question, “Who would I be friends with?” On every Real Housewives franchise, there is one person that no one could be friends with, and watching Real Housewives of Potomac, there is Zero Per-fucking-cent Chance anyone could be friends with Candiace.
Is Candiace a real human woman who eats and breathes? Yes. Is she someone I could eat and breathe near? Absolutely not. You’re probably saying, “Now, hold on. She’s the only one that no one could be friends with? Karen Huger exists” and my rebuttal to that is “Jack & Jill Moms.” If you don’t know what that means, I don’t have time to explain it to you. Also, you can tell that once Karen decides that someone is on her level, she’s willing to poison someone for them. So we’re left with the reality that in the Real Housewives universe, Candiace is an island to herself. Candiace would be the most frustrating type of friend because she seems to know she should change her behavior but is completely incapable of holding herself accountable to actually change. She would forget to pick you up from the airport and when you called her to ask where she is, it would somehow be your fault for even getting on a plane in the first place. You’re a bad friend for asking her for anything and fuck you.
Let’s get to it.
Wait, before we get to it, the new taglines are revealed and they’re… fine. They’re absolutely fine. Real Housewives of Potomac is a god-tier franchise and I need the taglines to match.
Okay. Now let’s get to it.
WHAT is UP with Karen and Ray? Karen is working out with her hot, young trainer in front of Ray and he’s just noodling around on his phone, and when she says she’s keeping it tight for him, he barely looks up from Candy Crush Soda Saga. Then she says that she’s keeping it tight because he won’t say those “three little words.” This is DARK. When Karen made a weird toast at Candiace’s one-year anniversary party, I didn’t realize that it was this bad. I didn’t realize it was “making sexual noises while working out to provoke your husband into saying ‘I love you’” bad. Thankfully, Karen is only 45 and still has her whole life ahead of her.
These dark and uncertain times have led to some strange pairings. Gizelle and Monique have banded together. According to the both of them, they’ve never really had an issue but they’ve generally distrusted each other, like The Cold War but with mimosas. Multiple people agree that when Gizelle is being regularly anointed with some of that sanctified dick, she’s in a much better mood. So they’re going to work together to host a dinner to cure Ashley of her postpartum agoraphobia. They’re also going to use this dinner to force Candiace to apologize to Ashley so everyone can move forward.
Monique is also going to attempt to get some sort of explanation out of Candiace about why she invited Charisse to her anniversary party because Charisse has been spreading rumors about Monique around town. What rumors, Monique? “I really don’t want to talk about it.” Ummmm…….okay, ma’am. Do you think that because you’re not going to tell us what the rumors are, a producer isn’t going to put them on an index card and feed it to another Housewife to read? Because someone hands Gizelle the index card and she tells us that Monique was allegedly spending a lot of time with her trainer and seen in public cuddled up. If Monique can manage, like, fiftyleven kids and a bird and a giant husband and still find time to have an affair, she is the definition of “having it all” and we should all subscribe to any scheduling seminars she hosts.
Ashley is at home with her lactation specialist, and this exists only for us to make gifs of that woman biting into that stuffed breast.
Wendy has her introductory lunch with Candiace and we learn that Wendy is a professor, has a PhD, and makes boomerangs when she leaves the hospital with her new babies. She’s also been running into the other women in her social circle for years (even if Karen never remembers her). Candiace can’t figure out if she wants kids because she’s terrified of what kind of mother she might be because her mother is, in so many words, a nightmare. She gives the game away a little later when she says that she’s envious of Ashley’s certainty about being a mother. Ashley also had a difficult relationship with her mother but Ashley was, in many ways, her mother’s caretaker, whereas Candiace’s mother never stopped taking care of her. Ashley realized a long time ago that her mother was imperfect and Candiace realized, like, two years ago. Regardless of everyone’s deep-seated maternal issues, Candiace was invited to Ashley’s first dinner out.
Juan takes Gizelle to lunch to talk to her about how he’s going to marry Robyn. He also does a little bit of work to convince Gizelle that he really loves Robyn and it’s very sweet how excited Gizelle is. She doesn’t quite reach “Charlotte in the Sex and the City movie when Carrie says she’s engaged,” but she gets pretty close. Gizelle’s advice is to double the size of the ring he got her last time or get her a diamond for every year they’ve been together. I subscribe to the Gizelle school of jewelry-giving. Juan also agrees to give Jamal advice if he’s looking to get Gizelle another ring. Finally, a bright spot during this episode.
Candiace tells Chris that she peed on a stick and repeats it until he asks if she’s pregnant. She’s not and she’s a little disappointed, actually. Just taking a test today confirmed for her that she might be ready for a baby and Chris says he’s never been the impediment to a baby. Honestly, I’m not sure if Candiace wants a baby. She doesn’t seem to want to care for anything other than herself and maybe a plant, and Chris and Candiace’s sex life can’t get coordinated. Start your nighttime routine a little earlier and make that baby! Also, Chris is getting progressively shaggier the more we see him.
It’s time for Ashley’s coming out party, and Monique and Gizelle remove all the butter knives from the table. Monique says that she’s doing all the work of rebuilding her friendship with Candiace and Candiace is getting all the benefits. Ashley starts the dinner off by thanking everyone for being there and supporting her and the tear in her booty hole. She needs to get botox in her anus. BOTOX IN HER ANUS. I’m with Karen. That’s just too much for a dinner date. Ashley needs to reintegrate into adult society.
Monique starts things off by saying that she was dodging Charisse and her warthog-sized lies at Candiace’s party and throws at her “maybe you should have used that party money to go on a honeymoon.” Somehow that morphs into everyone screaming about the fact that Candiace is still using condoms with her husband. If Candiance is still having sex with a condom, I don’t know how she’s expecting to turn up pregnant. Everyone else is using the rhythm method and they all have two to four kids. Start counting the cycles of the moon and get to it. The question also gets posed to Karen, and of course she’s still using condoms with Ray. She’s only 35 and she’s waiting until her career gets off the ground to have a baby.
Gizelle wants to set the tone with sisterhood and friendship so Candiace has to apologize to Ashley… and she does. Candiace just needs to apologize even if she doesn’t mean it because no one else is going to let it go. But that’s not what Candiace does. She says that they should get to a place where they can spend time together and agree to disagree. They don’t have differing opinions on the best mall in town or if Harry Potter should have ended up with Luna Lovegood. The debate in question is whether or not Candiace gets to call Ashley a broke-ass roach. The rest of the table starts to chime in and Karen says she’s also been a victim of that “gangbanging,” and I think she thinks it means something very different. Robyn, Gizelle, and Monique start chiming in that Candiace should just apologize (even if she doesn’t mean it). Candiace says “is this a dinner for Ashely or a Candiace attack?” Then she starts telling everyone to fuck off. Yeah, you can’t be friends with that.
To be continued…