The Real Housewives of Potomac Season Premiere Recap: It Made Sense to Laugh

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Old Testaments, New Revelations
Season 5 Episode 1
Editor’s Rating 5 stars

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Old Testaments, New Revelations
Season 5 Episode 1
Editor’s Rating 5 stars
Photo: Bravo/Larry French/Bravo

HOLY. SHIT. Wow. Is it possible that Monique has somehow entered all of our minds and planted some sort of inception? Has she already begun her offensive on our thoughts? Or is Candiace the mastermind in this scenario? Has Candiace entered into our dreams three levels deep in order to get us on her side in whatever inevitable conflict is coming? Because this episode opened with some of those Inception “BWAAAAAA’s” and then things started to glitch and jump through time. Listen, despite everything that Christopher Nolan would want us to believe, TENET-with-a-backward-E will not be in theaters in the U.S. this year. But honestly, I DON’T NEED IT TO BE, BECAUSE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF POTOMAC IS BACK. 

Let’s get to it.

Our first image of this entire season is a broken glass on the ground with a first aid kit. Goddamn it. I’m in. I have never been more in on anything in my entire life. I have been in relationships that lasted months that I committed to with less intensity than this season. Right after the broken glass and first aid kit, we hear Karen and Gizelle breathlessly say, “Never thought as a Black woman, we’d be right here. We can’t brush this under the rug,” and “We hold ourselves above the stereotype and in five minutes, she took it away.” Can you believe that we are barely moments into the episode and already, the entirety of Black womanhood has been dragged through the mud by someone’s actions?

Then we jump seven weeks earlier? I’m ready for any and all Real Housewives editors to be given an Emmy. It’s time to see where all the Housewives are before The Glitch. Monique is at home with Chris and her new bird on a leash. There is a bird on a leash. A BIRD ON A LEASH. Nothing remotely prepared me for seeing a grown woman put a leash on a gray parrot named T’Challa, ask it to poop on a napkin, put it on her shoulder, and head out the door.  Monique believes that she can potty train this bird. Birds don’t typically have sphincters, Monique. How can you teach it to relieve itself on command? It has no concept of a potty. This show has already given us so much.

Monique takes T’Challa the bird and heads over to Karen’s new house and Karen screams at the sight of the bird on her shoulder. Correct reaction. Karen tells Monique that Ray is not happy because she’s become a business woman with the actual launch of La’Dame fragrance. She’s jet-setting around the world and he’s not engaging with her success. She also says that he’s not snatching her up as a woman. Isn’t that what we all want? To be snatched. When she married a man 17 years older than her, it was fun at first, but now that she’s in her … alleged … 50s, Ray is ready to retire and she’s not ready to slow down. She’s not ready to lose her man, either.

Gizelle is at her new house and it’s quite the fixer-upper. She’s building a two-story master suite, which is something I did not know you were allowed to do. We only get a quick look at the outside of her house and it looks like she has a ranch. But Gizelle has decided that her room should be two stories. Gizelle thinks bigger than any of us ever could. She’s also gotten back with her ex-husband. WOW. A friend of hers kind of talked her into it, so now she’s dating her cheating ex-husband who lives in Atlanta again. Her kids are NOT HAPPY. They are all very suspicious of this relationship. Gizelle calms her kids down by saying that she’s the adult so she runs the family. Not only are her kids suspicious, there’s a whole montage of the other Housewives chiming in about getting back with her ex. Well, Karen chooses to say “No comment.”

Then there’s Candiace. She’s throwing a huge first anniversary party, which doesn’t give off “THIS IS A SECURE MARRIAGE” vibes to me. If you have to celebrate with a $22,000 party that your marriage made it a year, there’s bigger issues somewhere. Candiace is waiting to have a baby, but there is a new baby on the scene! Ashley is at home with her very tiny baby, Dean, and her still very weird husband, Michael. Ashley has fully embraced a crunchy-granola lifestyle and brags about using wipes that are mostly water. She’s also completely terrified of literally everything that exists outside of her home. She’s very worried about squirrels or a food shortage or that dingo that ate that baby in Australia in the ’90s. At one point, she’s so worried that the breeze will suffocate him. I know Ashley is fully irrational, but I did once think if you hiccuped and yawned at the same time, you would die because the air going in and air going out would get stuck. I was also 7 when I thought this.

Robyn is at home with Juan, and by the end of the scene, she’s badgered him into proposing to her? He brings up wanting a bigger house for them to grow old in and she basically shouts “We have to get MARRIED!” Juan looks PRESSED. He says that marriage is “something I’m looking forward to doing.” That’s not exactly a proposal, but being with Juan this long must recalibrate your romance meter. I do love that Robyn says, “Go Team Dixon.” They are a team and that’s beautiful.

After catching up with everyone, it’s time to get into the action of the episode. Candiace has invited Gizelle to stop by a dessert tasting for her anniversary party. Gizelle arrives in a Gucci Mini Cooper and a baseball hat with a tiara on it. Candiace is deliberately not inviting Ashley and she’s not going to move past that at all. Gizelle starts poking the bear and asks if the party is a gift from Candiace’s mother. They start gently jabbing each other about Candiace buying a house and Gizelle’s home renovation. Candiace says that Gizelle laughed at her and Gizelle says, “It made sense to laugh.” Can you imagine if someone looked at your life and said, “It made sense to laugh” after laughing at you? I would wither into dust and die. Gizelle knows that Candiace has a tendency to escalate the situation, so her laugh turned into Candiace calling her home a “teardown” and in real-estate terms, that is an insult. 

Ashley is at home with her baby when Monique comes to visit with her baby, Chase. Monique puts Chase, who is 9 months old, on a travel potty. What is happening with this woman and potty training? At least she’s trying to potty train the right species now. Ashley and Monique have bonded because they’re both “holistic” and into oils. I can’t wait for the anti-vaxx story line for the both of them down the line. Ashley says that Candiace was tweeting awful things about her while she was in labor so she’s not ready to make up with the hamster-faced ho. Monique says that she found a way to make up with Candiace, but neither Ashley nor Michael is interested in a friendship with Candiace or Chris. Ashley and Monique point to baby Dean’s poopy diaper to demonstrate where the friendships are.

It’s time for the anniversary party and Candiace says it’s “Wedding 2.0.” Mmmhmmm. Why does this couple need a lot of very expensive, public relationship displays? I understand you’ve gotta post a picture of you and your significant other on Instagram doing something sophisticated and very sexy about once a quarter, but a giant party in a pseudo wedding dress? Candiace has also decided on a cash bar. Girl. You cannot brag about your $2.5 million house search and not have an open bar. Something is not computing here.

We also get slowly introduced to our new Housewife, Wendy. She’s Nigerian, she has a Ph.D., and she vaguely knows everyone. Get ready for this fabulous bitch to walk onto the scene.

Karen, Candiace, and Gizelle head outside to satisfy their filming obligations for this party. Candiace insists that Gizelle was perturbed at their cupcake tasting by her line of questioning about Gizelle getting back with her ex or something. Candiace really seems like she’s looking for  a fight and really wants to convince herself that she’s gotten to Gizelle. No one gets to Gizelle. Gizelle’s emotions are like Luke Skywalker living on that planet, drinking blue alien titty milk. Perpetually unbothered. Gizelle says she could use an apology and maybe Ashley could use one too, because Candiace tweets like she’s unaware other people can read them. Gizelle says you apologize when you’ve done something offensive and Candiace says, “Did you say you were offended?” Yes. Inject this into my fucking veins. I wanna feel something for the first time in a long time.

There’s a little scuffle about Gizelle not bringing Jamal around, and Charisse is apparently here and spreading rumors about Monique’s family? But that’s nothing compared to Candiace demanding that her mother and Karen impart nuggets of marital wisdom. Bitch, no. You want marriage advice from your cruel and unfeeling mother and from La’Dame herself? WHY?! Make better choices. Find someone who is in a healthy relationship. Are you asking them to speak so you can do the opposite? Candiace’s mother takes the mic and thanks Chris for banging her daughter and calls him a decent human being. This causes Candiace to cry. Again, I guess being Dorothy’s daughter completely recalibrates your barometer for emotional connection. Then Karen gets on the mic to admit her marriage might be in trouble but she’s working on it and La’Dame is available on HSN. Candiace cries again! Yikes. She says that they’re celebrating love tonight and everything turns into black and white as we focus on Monique.

The preview for this season looks amazing and I CANNOT WAIT! I’m ready for these women to crawl into my head and make a life there. BWWAAAA!!!!!!

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: It Made Sense to Laugh