As of third episode “Bull Elephants,” some patterns are starting to emerge and I have to admit, they’re a little underwhelming. Every story of marital infidelity is about a husband cheating on his wife, and the only variations on the theme are: Does she know or not? Does she tolerate it or lash out? Is it his nature to cheat, or did society make him do it? And that would be a fine question, I guess, for one of these couples … but ALL of them? Isn’t it a little dull and retrograde to not imagine even ONE instance where the woman is the one cheating? Why is Daphne’s only option for keeping things “even” to go shopping? What can’t she also have an affair? Honestly, putting her up for the night with Harper and not having the twist be that they are the ones who hooked up while their husbands stayed faithful is a copout, if you ask me!!
But it’s not my job to track the marriages; it is my sacred duty to hunt out the MURDERER (and murdereds). So let’s get into it.
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Daphne
Well, well, well. The fact that she didn’t even tell Harper until they got all the way to Noto that she’d rented out their palazzo for the night, essentially trapping her husband’s college friend’s wife at a slumber party, tells me that Daphne could one thousand percent plot and execute a murder on this vacation. Also: “Don’t you think it’s better to just do what you want, even if you’re by yourself?” Wow, yes!! Her space buns and little bandeau-skirt outfit are adorable; her assessment of the male condition — “They think they’re out there doing something important but they’re really just out there wandering alone” — is correct. She knows her husband’s co-workers are “Bernie Madoff monsters that will fuck you up.” The thing about Daphne is that she’s actually a genius and I love her and I’m SO glad she doesn’t get murdered.
Will she kill? Genuinely thrilled to upgrade her to a yes she can!!
Will she be killed? Thank GOD I don’t have to worry about this! No way, baby.
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Cameron
Look, all Cameron wants to do is be left alone to cheat on his wife, do white-collar finance crimes, buy hard drugs off enterprising sex workers, and jetski, okay? Oh, and not have his WIFE who nearly DIED during her emergency C-section be a BUZZKILL by making him schlep to Noto, literally the only place she said she wanted to go during their trip together! Believing in monogamy is so bougie which is beneath him. And also he thinks it’s kinda lame that Ethan didn’t do a little insider trading for him, because that is NOT how bros treat each other. Cameron thinks he’s in the The Wolf of Wall Street and he’s probably, like, one of the dudes emptying his desk into a Bankers box in the middle of The Glass Hotel.
Will he kill? Still feels too obvious to me, so I’m going with probably not.
Will he be killed? The thing that was keeping him alive for me was Daphne’s perky attitude at the end of the trip before she swam straight into a floating dead body. But now I am curious if killing him would be the ultimate extension of the little games they like to play together. So you know what? I’m no longer ruling it out!
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Ethan
He either side-eyes or actively ignores his wife’s obvious attempts at being all sexy and available, and doesn’t even jump in to protect her from a day trip she clearly has no interest in taking. I feel like we’re just supposed to like him more for doing the absolute bare minimum? (Reminds me of the Taylor Tomlinson bit about an ex who wanted points for not cheating on her.) So valiant of you to not cheat on your wife tonight, but I’m actually still mad at you for not having sex with her this morning!!
Will he kill? He was barely into taking molly!! Doesn’t really seem like his style.
Will he be killed? You know what? Maybe!
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Dominic
Dominic can’t get rid of his “friends” fast enough to avoid getting spotted by Nonno in the hallway. Tough break, pops. It is very meta and fun to watch a guy from The Sopranos argue that movies like the Godfather only cater to the fantasies men already have, rather than, as his son argues, socializing men into having that fantasy. (I feel like in real life he would be Team Albie, based on his Instagram and this excellent GQ profile from a couple years ago.) Dominic tells his son that he doesn’t want to “put him in the middle of this” and then gives him a message to give to the women in the family who won’t speak to Dad anymore … hmm. I cracked up when he felt the need to pull Albie aside after the Godfather confab and Portia’s untimely exit to insist upon his feminist credentials, and that one key point in his defense was that he married Albie’s mom, who is smart and strong and also is someone Dominic was cheating on for 25 years up to and including like, eight hours prior to this conversation taking place. If he really wanted to support women, he wouldn’t pull the financial rug out from under Lucia and Mia on absolutely no notice!
Will he kill? Maybe he and Albie will kill someone together, to mend this rift and bond them anew? Feels totally possible to me.
Will he be killed? I wonder if this show would dare put Albie through that? Nah.
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Harper
The look in her eyes when she says, “You don’t think I can be lovely? Just watch!” tells me, yet again, that Harper is capable of murder, as does her wide-eyed performance as a headband-wearer who calls her husband “babe” and gushes over the morning sky. I love the way she kisses Ethan on the way out like she wants to bite his face off. You could have had sex with this woman before breakfast, Ethan! You deserve whatever you get!
Anyway, back to Harper: I’m glad she has that edible and lets herself enjoy her spontaneous and technically nonconsensual sleepover with Daphne. I am curious if she will believe that Ethan baaasically stayed faithful to her since her call went to voicemail … will her husband still be “honest to a fault” when she sees him again? And if he’s not, WILL SHE KILL HIM?
Will she kill? There’s just too much potential here for me to rule it out entirely. 50-50 shot.
Will she be killed? Now that she has Daphne in her corner I think she’ll be a survivor.
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Portia
What is Portia wearing at breakfast? Does Gen Z love this? I don’t care if it outs me as a millennial, I am proud to be someone who does not understand her outfits. Is she so worried that everything is boring and done and a Xerox-of-a-Xerox that she will inject excitement into her humdrum existence by killing somebody in Sicily?? Her exhausted speech about redundant Instagram posts made me think of this great essay about being miserable in the Instagram capital of the world (in Italy!). I’m glad she was able to swipe some pills from Tanya’s bathroom and I hope she hooks up with that guy from the pool … she was obviously feeling him way more than Albie.
Will she kill? The fact that she says, “I feel like if I murdered my boss I could argue it was euthanasia” tells me she will not actually murder her boss. Doubtful.
Will she be killed? Again I say: probably not.
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Albie
Would fair Albie, in his efforts to keep the attention of Portia, really murder someone? The more time that we spend seeing Albie as this modern, progressive counterpoint to his Godfather-loving family patriarchs the more I wonder if maybe the twist will be that it’s unsuspecting Albie who commits a homicide.
Will he kill? This week, I’m feeling like he actually could totally kill someone.
Will he be killed? The way that he peer-pressured Portia into joining the family Godfather tour and then stage-whispered, “I’m being more aggressive” made me want to … well, not kill him. But like, punch him. A little bit. But I’m still coming down pretty hard on the side of there’s no way this kid dies on vacation.
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Bert
This tour that he planned for the family where they see all the locations from the Godfather did not go the way he hoped, much like this entire vacation is not at all living up to his vision. But will he act out of petulance and disappointment and KILL someone?
Will he kill? So far he hasn’t really made any enemies, has he? Nah.
Will he be killed? My opinion on this is shifting to the point where I do think it’s possible he never makes it home from Sicily.
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Tanya
I hate when you call a psychic (whom you can not call a “gypsy” anymore) and summon your assistant back from her big adventure only to exile said assistant to the bathroom as soon as the reading starts and then the psychic tells you the truth about how your husband loves someone else and then you have to kick them out IMMEDIATELY so you can dramatically take to bed while you force your assistant to read the latest issue of Vanity Fair on the couch nearby, just so you don’t have to be alone! I want to root for Tanya (and of course in the case of Tanya v. Greg I absolutely will), but she’s a real rough boss and customer this week. That said, she does give Portia one piece of solid advice that Portia will probably ignore: “Don’t spend your life chasing emotionally unavailable men.” Mostly it feels like Tanya is coasting on Jennifer Coolidge’s performance while her character kind of flails about, no?
Will she kill? Anything is possible, but considering a bummer of a tarot card reading left her bedridden, I’m going to say probably not.
Will she be killed? Tanya will outlive us all! No way.
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Greg
So Greg was going to die and now, thanks to Tanya hooking him up with great doctors, he’s going to live, but he clearly no longer wants to have to spend all that time with Tanya. I don’t even understand the logistics of going home from Sicily for two days to just come back to the trip. Wouldn’t the jet lag make it impossible? Is that what kills him?
Will he kill? Despite his total disinterest in his wife, I don’t think so.
Will he be killed? Again, I wouldn’t hate to lose the guy who makes Jennifer Coolidge full-body sob over brunch. But I can’t imagine Tanya would off him. I’ll say if he comes back to Sicily, it mayyyy be the last trip he ever takes.
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Lucia and Mia
I love that Mia angles for half the money even though she fell asleep and didn’t actually have sex with Dominic. I do worry she’s getting herself into a Last Night in Soho situation with the seedy pianist who can allegedly help her music career. I respect Lucia’s hustle and I’m glad these two girls were able to swing another night at this fine hotel. It’s all a little bit of a weird, fairy-tale type of story about the locals and I’m not sure this is really an improvement on the first season’s treatment of the population that actually lives where our tourists vacation … but whatever, let’s fun!
Will they kill? Hmm … if they get desperate, I could see it.
Will they be killed? I am committed to my vision that these two make it out alive.
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Valentina
Okay, very intrigued by the prospect of Valentina maybe having a thing with her employee even though it would be Wrong. Maybe she’s so uptight because she hasn’t had a good tryst in a while!
Will she kill? Despite her fiery temper I just think her business acumen will rule the day here. No
Will she be killed? Also nope.
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Isabella
Taking over Rocco’s spot this week, we have the ambitious young White Lotus employee who admires Valentina’s hard-ass ways. I don’t think this means she’ll do any murders, but I just don’t want her to think I didn’t notice.
Will she kill? Eh, I doubt it.
Will she be killed? Also doesn’t seem likely to me.
