1. Don’t Even Think About It, by Alex PearsonDon’t even think about it. I would not sleep with you if we were the last two people on Earth. Don’t even think about it. While I would feign […]
  2. A Reasonable Man, by Christopher MahEveryone knows that our country is more divided than ever, even more divided than the era when colored people were not treated with the perfect […]
  3. Poker Face, by David WaghalterShe was the most unreadable player I had ever faced across a table. Whether clutching a winning hand or merely bluffing, her demeanor never […]
  4. Ask a High School Couple, by Ryan Krebs and Caitlin KunkelNote from the Editor: It is with great regret that we were forced to lay off our 20-plus year advice columnist, Ann O’Grady, last week (sorry […]
  5. Welcome to Milton Honors!, by Ryan R. JordanDear Sir or Madam: Welcome to Milton Honors! You are now a member of one of the hospitality industry’s ranked rewards programs! As a Milton […]
  6. Dear Highlights Forum, by Pat FeehanDear Highlights Forum, Melissa and I had been eating our snacks together during recess for two weeks. Sometimes we would share our snacks or […]
  7. My Heroes, Daydreamt, by Daniel MoraffELEANOR ROOSEVELT: It’s midnight at the temporary UN headquarters on Long Island. Eleanor and I are, at last, alone, straining to develop some […]
  8. FAQs for Jocasta’s Christening, by Caitlin KunkelWill there be alcohol at the christening? As many of you know, it is not recommended that babies drink alcohol, even at special occasions like […]
  9. Conjoined Twins, by Alex PearsonPeople are generally fascinated by the concept of conjoined twins, yet rarely do any of these people actually ever know any conjoined twins […]
  10. Got A Minute?, by Ryan KrebsHi, God. Bernie Turkingham. Duh, you know that. You got a minute? Great, thanks. I’m gonna tell it like it is: I think you’re doing a bang-up […]
  11. Wait ‘Til You Taste This Next Orange Juice, by Ryan AbbottYou’ve mastered wine and you’ve cupped coffee, but have you experienced the latest craze to tantalize the taste buds of the world’s gastronomic […]
  12. How Dare You Suggest That I’ve Forgotten Our Teenage Son’s Name, by Sam […]That’s quite an accusation, Marianne! To imply that I have up and forgotten my own son’s name! Well, you sure have some nerve! To think I can’t […]
  13. MovieZoom, by Molly SchoemannFrom: Date:  Sunday, 6:54pm Subject:  Welcome to MovieZoom! Dear Valued MovieZoom Customer, Thanks for trying our new […]
  14. Welcome to Our Dog Park, by Jonathan MillsteinWelcome to our dog park. This land is privately owned, but we open it to the public because we love dogs. Please, read and abide by the rules […]
  15. Abraham Lincoln Elementary First Grade Play Disappoints by Leonardo van […]On Monday afternoon, 80 first graders at Abraham Lincoln Elementary School took the stage to present “Go Fish!” The one-act play, directed by […]
  16. Minor Corrections to Our Wedding Invitation, by Sam WeinerAttention Friends and Loved Ones, Caitlyn and I have been so wrapped up in pre-matrimony madness that, unfortunately, some small typos crept […]
  17. It’s All Been Downhill Since That ‘Murphy Brown’ Walk-On, by Colin FisherTo say I was, am, and always will be a Murphy Brown fan is an understatement. I prefer “devotee” at least, if not “acolyte.” I mean, does […]
  18. Raised By Wolves, by Lauren Dowling“You know, I’m cursed with morals. I was raised a certain way. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was raised by wolves.” — Carson Daly to Elle […]
  19. Crossing the River Styx with Your Host Ryan Seacrest, by Robert HershornWelcome back! Okay guys, the final hour of coverage underway, comin’ to you live from within the brackish mire! We’ve been getting the scoop […]
  20. Landscaping, by Ryan KrebsAlright, is everyone here? We’re missing Bobby. Hey, there he is. Sorry B, Didn’t see you there. Hop on up in your dinner chair. Ok, so I […]
  21. Decoding Your Preteen’s Facebook Acronyms: What You Need to Know, by […]Attention parents of preteens: your child may be on Facebook! While the popular social networking site’s official policy prohibits children […]
  22. Poland Springs: It’s Poison!, by Daniel McGillivrayDear Valued Customer, I’m Chet Ricker, senior marketing director for the Poland Springs Bottling Company. Almost 200 years ago my ancestors […]
  23. Archimedes The Sicilian, by Jacob Sager WeinsteinArchimedes? Sure. Nice kid when he was little. Then he accepted an assortment of internally consistent but morally problematic logical […]
  24. A Welcome Bulletin, by Luke Gordon FieldATTENTION NEW GLADIATORS! It is our pleasure to greet you and introduce you to life here at the Coliseum. We know you’re all excited to start […]
  25. We Have Your Wife and Are Willing to Have a Reasonable Negotiation for Her […]Dear Sir: We have kidnapped your wife and are willing to return her safely for a reasonable price. You can believe us when we say we have her […]
  26. An Invitation to My Theoretical Future Son’s Bar Mitzvah on the Moon, by […]Please Join Us as We Celebrate the Bar Mitzvah of Our Son Jacob or Benjamin or Whatever Nosowitz The Twelfth of June, Two Thousand and […]
  27. Wine List, by Gillian WeeksROBERT-DENOGENT, Macon-Solutre, Chardonnay, ‘08 - 12/51.00 Approachable, fruit-forward, an instant favorite. Notes of peach and honeysuckle […]
  28. Why I Am Leaving the Human Centipede by Lindsay, by Rob KutnerTODAY is my last day in the Human Centipede. After almost 12 hours in the project, first in the front, then in the middle – I believe I have […]
  29. Criminally Good Pizza, by Jaime FernandezI love pizza. It’s as simple as that. Good pizza is like good sex [they both can leave hard to remove stains from your bedsheets!]. And I am […]
  30. I’m Your Co-Worker Linda and You Absolutely Cannot Believe How Zany I Am, […]Hey there, whatcha working on? Expense reports? Oh, really they’re due in an hour? Well, I should let you get back to work, I just needed my […]
  31. THE PUUURFECT APARTMENT!!!, by Andrew FordThe perfect 2-Bedroom* apartment is now available in that hip neighborhood, next to that bridge, that allll your friends just moved to!!! Only […]
  32. Announcing the Closing of A Part Thai’d Restaurant, by Spencer HamEffective June 4, A Part Thai’d Restaurant has closed its doors for good. We would like to thank our small contingent of customers, as it was […]
  33. An Open Letter From the F.B.I. - Female Body Inspector, by Brian BooneI have seen countless novelty catalogs, tourist trap gift shops, gag-gift kiosks, and Internet websites sell T-shirts, caps, and coffee mugs […]
  34. What Happens In Ittoqqortoormiit Stays In Ittoqqortoormiit, by Jeremy […]Ever want to kill a walrus with your bare hands and have no one back at home begging for a share of the meat? Perhaps you want to bathe in a […]
  35. You Know Who Else Almost Didn’t Have A Bar Mitzvah? Drake., By Pablo […]Seth, we need to talk. I was in the kitchen with Mom and she’s crying her eyes out. Now, I know that you’ve been acting out at Hebrew School […]
  36. Mass E-Mail, by Darren SpringerSubject line: FRIDAY!!!!! Hello all, First of all, let me just say that Eleanor and I are both very excited that you all have agreed to join […]
  37. Montessori Center for Gifted and Special College-Bound Children, by Colin […]Dear Parent or Permanent Nanny, As you know, we at the Upper East Side Montessori Center for Gifted and Special College-Bound Toddlers pride […]
  38. Regarding My Candidacy, by Joe VeixThroughout our nation’s history, our most heroic and intelligent citizens have selflessly sacrificed themselves in order to maintain a […]
  39. Review of the Facebook Timeline, by Ryan BrennerBy the time you are reading this, Facebook will have already released their biggest and most revolutionary update yet — the Facebook […]
  40. Table41 Media Kit, by Daniel McGillivrayBon Soir! Welcome and thank you for your interest in Table41 - a weekly e-column dedicated to dining alone. Since its July 2007 launch Table41 […]
  41. ‘Sweet’ Larry Newsom, New York City Construction Worker, by Pablo GoldsteinOh, baby! Chuck, take a look at this fine piece of tail strolling up. She could feed a whole nursery with those things. Hey mama, come a little […]
  42. Hit ‘em Hard Boys, by John Howell HarrisThis is it, boys. The big one. We gotta get out there and hit ‘em hard, hit ‘em fast, and hit ‘em where it hurts — which is apparently […]
  43. Welcome to the Neighborhood, by Django GoldHowdy! And welcome! As president of the Welcome Wagon, I’d like to be the first to extend my greetings to the newest addition to the Sycamore […]
  44. A Thank You Card To A Thank You Card, by Matt PaytonDear Ben and Liz, Thank you so much for your delightful thank you note that you sent to Christine and me. It was our pleasure to attend your […]
  45. Example of a Perfect Cover Letter, by Andi SharavskyAndi Sharavsky 2100 My Friend’s Address Ave Wanted to Make it Look Like I Already Live Here So You’ll Hire Me, IL 60657 October 2, 2011 […]
  46. Ethnics 101: Being An Ethnical Person, by Pablo GoldsteinHello, everyone. My name is Anders Tennyson and I’ll be your instructor for Ethnics 101, a brand new course here at The Learning Annex designed […]
  47. Tabernacle Lake Community Church Welcomes Your Teen, by Sam WeinerAt Tabernacle Lake Community Church, we know how hard it can be to pry your teens away from their skateboards and ear-piercing kiosks. Find […]
  48. My Ex-Girlfriend Reviews The Mix CD I Made Her in High School, by Pedro […]TRACK LIST Track One: “2112” - Rush (20:38) Track Two: “Cygnus X-1 Book I: The Voyage” - Rush (10:26) Track Three: “Tom Sawyer” - Rush […]
  49. The Depression Diet, by Benjamin HartSummer has come and gone and you’re left with the same pot belly and love handles you had in May. You can try low-fat smoothies and a workout […]
  50. I Am Sam Was Sad. We Get It, by Liz ArcuryMy name is Roxanne McLachlan and I lost my homecoming queen crown to Dakota Fanning. We go to Campbell Hall Episcopal High School here in […]
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