MOST RECENT ARTICLES BY:

Brian Boone

  1. 15 Rules to Follow While You Are Inside My Time Machine, by Michael A. […] 1. Never ever roll down the window and stick your head out like a dog. There will be thousands of antique clocks spinning around within […]
  2. Some Personal News (1806), by Jon Wolper September 7, 1806 SOME PERSONAL NEWS STOP I HAVE WORKED AT JOHNSONVILLE ADVERTISER FOR THREE YEARS STOP AND COVERED ALL MANNER OF […]
  3. Harry Potter and the Lost Generation, by Julien Darmoni In the days after you first broke through London on the express and found the true country with the poppies and the rains and the Forbidden […]
  4. Typical New Yorkers, by Jeremy Glass Kitty Beans Kitty grew up in the West Village during a time where even looking in the direction of the subway could get you beaten, mugged, […]
  5. Howie, by Noell Wolfgram Evans I was upside down in a garbage can. It was raining. Howie Mandel was missing. Digging deep into the darkness, fighting past the stench of […]
  6. The Most Useless Animals in the World, by Max Schwartz I love animals, but let’s face it, many are dumb, and some are quite useless. These are the five most useless. 1. The Rhinoceros. I hate […]
  7. If We Bring Manufacturing Jobs Back to the U.S., Do I Still Have to Put […] Our nation has seen considerable changes to its economic landscape over the past half century. Factories have closed their doors one after […]
  8. Get to Know Your New Smartwatch!, by Dan Dillabough Health. Connectivity. Fitness. Peace of mind. And so much more. Your new smartwatch is here —and before long, you won’t remember how you ever […]
  9. The Bodyguard: Punjab Resigns as Head of Warbucks Security Detail, by […] Dear Daddy Warbucks, Please excuse the tear-stained condition of this letter. Contrary to my stoic exterior, I, Punjab, am an emotional […]
  10. On Behalf of Airway Airlines, Thank You For Choosing Us and Knowingly […] Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard Flight 666 with non-stop service from Boston to San Francisco. […]
  11. The 10 Best Sneezes of 2016, by Jonathan Zeller 10. Marie, May 3, at the office The sound: “Choo!” Why it was one of the best: This dainty, feminine sneeze reminded us why we love […]
  12. The Comforting, Un-Analyzable Kids in the Hall2016 was a very, very bad year no matter how you slice it. In tough times, comedy is often a form of escape that people turn to when they need […]
  13. Last-Minute Gift Ideas Sure to Streamline Your Rise to Power, by Cody Ziler Believe it or not, the holidays are right around the corner: that time of year when we count our blessings, celebrate with food and song, and […]
  14. The Best Comedy Books of 2016 Now what we’ve got here is an embarrassment of riches. There were so many truly funny books released this year, and funny books with […]
  15. Electrical Appliances I Would Make Sweet Love To, If Required, by Sarah […] A dishwasher. I don’t have a dishwasher of my own, mind you, but I would crawl into someone else’s and ride it straight to Pound Town, given […]
  16. I Am the Official Boatman of the Hudson River, by Luke Strickler One of the things they don’t tell you about being a boatman is how to handle the power. No one comes up to you and explains how you are now […]
  17. The Dominatrix Dungeon Intern Gets Disciplined, by Bizzy Coy Tascha, can I speak with you for a moment? As you know, everyone here at Lady Havoc’s House of Pain is glad you decided to intern with us […]
  18. Inventions I Plan on Pitching to Powerful Venture Capitalists, by Jeremy […] • Go Gravy!: A fully portable, on-the-go gravy maker that you plug into your car. Unplug and douse your turkey when you get home, or pop open […]
  19. The Harem Guards Will Rock You, Eventually, Maybe, by Jerry Renek WANTED: Lead guitar whose playing style is not self-described as “an erotic fever dream of liquefied awesome.” WANTED: Bass player. […]
  20. An Honest Concession Speech, by Asterios Kokkinos and Hana Michels My friends, we have come to the end of a long campaign. Although it’s not the result we wanted, the people have spoken. It was a hard fought […]
  21. Death Eater Monuments Are a Matter of Heritage, Not Hate, by Mike Jungman My esteemed colleagues of the Ministry of Magic, my name is Draco Malfoy and I speak to you today in opposition to Resolution 392, which […]
  22. Judge Doom’s Toon Execution Room, by Geoffrey Golden Dream It! Screw It! “collects” 30 years worth of notes, sketches, and plans for Disney park attractions conceived by Walt Disney’s idiot […]
  23. The Underground Cartoonist’s Guide to Drawing Gigantic Sweat Drops […] Greetings, O’ Underground Cartoonist! Thank you for entering into this course! You’ve undertaken a noble profession — the art of comics free […]
  24. I’m Tired of Being Cast as Young Russell Crowe, by Sam Pasternack It’s been happening since I was born, when a panicked casting director busted into the maternity ward. She was looking for a newly born baby […]
  25. Who’s Better: Babies or Old People? Watch ‘Debate Wars’ to Find OutSign up for Seeso for only $3.99 a month (the first month is free!). Campaign season is winding down and Election Day draws nearer, which […]
  26. Blake Lively’s Memoir: Special Sneak Peek!! by Mitra Jouhari My name is Mitra Jouhari. Two years ago Blake Lively reached out to me and gave me the honor of ghostwriting her autobiography. This project […]
  27. Crowdfund My Lunch, by Zack Stovall Dear Friend: You know me! And you know that, just like anyone else, I need food! I don’t just WANT food, I, like, almost NEED it. Any time […]
  28. The Student, by Julien Darmoni Dear Anton, Our parents, though they are dead to me, often remarked upon my sullen nature as a child. So somber, so soon! It was as if I […]
  29. Doug Stanhope’s ‘No Place Like Home’ Hits Seeso TodayIn partnership with Seeso. Sign up now for only $3.99 a month. Doug Stanhope is one of the darkest and most brutally hilarious comedians […]
  30. relationships
    The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up After Your Breakup with Trevor, by […]There’s no better time to implement Marie Kondo’s tidying and organizing system than after a breakup. Tidying begins with discarding. It’s […]
  31. Thank You For Your Submission to Moe’s Southwest Grill, by Jeff Vitkun Thank you for your submission to Moe’s Southwest Grill. Unfortunately, this piece wasn’t right for us because unlike our competitor, […]
  32. Notes From a Lasagna Dumpling Video Shoot, by Jeremy Glass Take 1: Not great, not bad, but the cheese congealed before we could do the proper reveal. Take 2: The light wasn’t hitting the broad side […]
  33. Thighs Deserve an Iconic Pop Song, by Evan Waite Thighs are the best. But you sure wouldn’t know it from listening to pop music these days. No disrespect to booties, but they’ve had more […]
  34. Dear State of California: Please Approve My Application for Paid Family […] Dear State of California, This is a personal statement to accompany my application for Paid Family Leave. Please understand, my husband is […]
  35. Rejuvenation Manual for Wretched Females, by Sarah Hutto In the spirit of embracing nothing about being an actual woman, here is a useful list of body parts that various industries and society in […]
  36. No, Your Ruse Did Not Scare Me, Despite Evidence to the Contrary, by Andy […] Ho ho, I see you’re up to your old tricks, Nathan. Popping out out from behind a corner, yelling “Boo!” and hoping to offer me up a great […]
  37. We Are the Only Collaborative Workspace with a Tenacious D Listening Room, […] As a CreativLancer hustling your way through the gig economy, you know that a robust co-working ecosystem is crucial to your success. That’s […]
  38. A Letter to the Editor Regarding School Attendance of Students Whose […] I’m writing this letter today to object to the proposed legislation, the so-called Fairness in Education for the Parasitically Infected Act, […]
  39. Noah’s Ark FAQs, by Matt Stofsky Good Morning Everyone, As you’ve no doubt heard, a Great Flood is coming to cleanse the world of sin. We wanted to address some big […]
  40. It is Now My Turn to Yell About the Bad Thing That Happened, by Brad Austin First of all, yikes. The bad thing that happened was very, very bad. That’s a no-brainer. Was there a silver lining to it even? I don’t see […]
  41. Please Stop Body-Shaming Me for Being the Ice Cream Cone Pokémon, by Colin […] Every day, society tells us how to look and be. Be a rodent, it says. Have a rock in your forehead. Be on fire. I am none of those things, […]
  42. Turns Out, the Client Isn’t Very Ticklish, by Larry Lee Team, you all saw for yourself. The expression on our head client’s face didn’t change one bit as I snuck behind him in the dimly lit […]
  43. Why Jonah Ray Knows America Better Than You Do In partnership with Seeso. Sign up now for just $3.99 a month. “Travel host” is at the top of the list of dream jobs. But it’s just not […]
  44. If the Girls in Bunk H Were Your Family Members, by Graham Techler • Emma would be like the mom who’s always making sure you’re wearing a sweater when you go out and wants you to tell her what your plans […]
  45. Dad’s Return From the War Should Not Count as a Birthday Gift, by John […] Mom? Dad? We need to talk. Let me say first that I am as happy as the next guy to have Dad home from the war. I missed him every day while he […]
  46. Strategies for Defending a Basketball-Playing Dog, by Daniel CarrilloI was disgusted. How many more times was this dog going to sink an uncontested jumper before the opposing coach changed his approach? The […]
  47. The British Invasion (of Comedy) In partnership with Seeso. Sign up for only $3.99 a month. In addition to original shows and classic American television, Seeso has […]
  48. Fear Not Change, Fear Not Entropy, I Am Your New Sesame Street Muppet, by […] Greetings sir or madame, I want you to fear not what lies before you. I am not avenging angel nor trickster demon. No Loki am I. I am simply […]
  49. Getting to Know the Flowers of ‘Flowers’This article is in partnership with Seeso. Sign up now. The pitch-black comedy Flowers debuted on Channel 4 in the U.K. last month to rave […]
  50. A Letter to My Future Daughter’s Best Friend, by Dan Fitzpatrick Dear Chloe, Or Madison, or Avery, or Harper. I can never remember. Anyway, the bond between a father and daughter is a special one, which […]
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