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Brian Boone

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Brian Boone has written about comedy for Vulture since 2018 and previously wrote for Splitsider.

  1. A Letter to the Editor Regarding School Attendance of Students Whose […] I’m writing this letter today to object to the proposed legislation, the so-called Fairness in Education for the Parasitically Infected Act, […]
  2. Noah’s Ark FAQs, by Matt Stofsky Good Morning Everyone, As you’ve no doubt heard, a Great Flood is coming to cleanse the world of sin. We wanted to address some big […]
  3. It is Now My Turn to Yell About the Bad Thing That Happened, by Brad Austin First of all, yikes. The bad thing that happened was very, very bad. That’s a no-brainer. Was there a silver lining to it even? I don’t see […]
  4. Please Stop Body-Shaming Me for Being the Ice Cream Cone Pokémon, by Colin […] Every day, society tells us how to look and be. Be a rodent, it says. Have a rock in your forehead. Be on fire. I am none of those things, […]
  5. Turns Out, the Client Isn’t Very Ticklish, by Larry Lee Team, you all saw for yourself. The expression on our head client’s face didn’t change one bit as I snuck behind him in the dimly lit […]
  6. Why Jonah Ray Knows America Better Than You Do In partnership with Seeso. Sign up now for just $3.99 a month. “Travel host” is at the top of the list of dream jobs. But it’s just not […]
  7. If the Girls in Bunk H Were Your Family Members, by Graham Techler • Emma would be like the mom who’s always making sure you’re wearing a sweater when you go out and wants you to tell her what your plans […]
  8. Dad’s Return From the War Should Not Count as a Birthday Gift, by John […] Mom? Dad? We need to talk. Let me say first that I am as happy as the next guy to have Dad home from the war. I missed him every day while he […]
  9. Strategies for Defending a Basketball-Playing Dog, by Daniel CarrilloI was disgusted. How many more times was this dog going to sink an uncontested jumper before the opposing coach changed his approach? The […]
  10. The British Invasion (of Comedy) In partnership with Seeso. Sign up for only $3.99 a month. In addition to original shows and classic American television, Seeso has […]
  11. Fear Not Change, Fear Not Entropy, I Am Your New Sesame Street Muppet, by […] Greetings sir or madame, I want you to fear not what lies before you. I am not avenging angel nor trickster demon. No Loki am I. I am simply […]
  12. Getting to Know the Flowers of ‘Flowers’This article is in partnership with Seeso. Sign up now. The pitch-black comedy Flowers debuted on Channel 4 in the U.K. last month to rave […]
  13. A Letter to My Future Daughter’s Best Friend, by Dan Fitzpatrick Dear Chloe, Or Madison, or Avery, or Harper. I can never remember. Anyway, the bond between a father and daughter is a special one, which […]
  14. The Essential Guide to the Modern Man, by David Henne Suits The modern man owns at least three suits: one charcoal for brooding in his Manhattan office, one black for drinking alone in a dimly […]
  15. Who Is New York’s Funniest?In partnership with Seeso. Sign up now for only $3.99 a month. The stand-up/reality hybrid New York’s Funniest has a simple but daunting […]
  16. Red Lobster Would Be Delighted to Assist with Your Marriage Proposal, by […] Good afternoon, sir. Table for one? No? You’d like to speak with a manager? Well, that would be me. How can I help you? Oh, what splendid […]
  17. I Didn’t Know That When I Taught This Town to Dance They’d Give Up on […] When I arrived at this Podunk town, there wasn’t a single butt a shaking or hip gyrating in the whole darn county. These folks had nothing […]
  18. The 13 Best ‘SNL’ Political Impressions of All Time Image: SNL cold open, George W. Bush presidential address (season 41, ep: 8) In partnership with Seeso. Sign up now for only […]
  19. Attention Passengers: The Baldwin Brothers Are Sitting on the Wing of the […] 5:43PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun. We will be taking off for our flight to Milwaukee shortly. Please place […]
  20. Space Camp Progress Report, by Lucas Gardner Hello from the United States Space Camp! Your son Spencer is having an absolute “blast” out here. This is a routine progress report from […]
  21. A Request For Time Off Work to Be Spiritual Like My Friend, Wesley, by […]Dear Supervising Manager, Buddha once said a really good caption on Wesley’s Instagram. I’m 40 percent positive it was something about the […]
  22. An Open Letter to the Star My Uncle Named After Me, by Matthew David Brozik Dear ASASSN-15lh, You probably don’t know me, but my name is Kate and I am nine years old. I live on Earth, which is the third planet from […]
  23. I Ate a Hundred Marbles and Now My MALE Doctor Says I’m Full of Glass? […] Mansplaining – when a man explains something to a woman in a patronizing manner – is an epidemic. As a woman, I have had to stomach it for […]
  24. An Excerpt from ‘The Drama Sutra,’ by Paige WeldonHere’s a look at The Drama Sutra, a new zine out this week from The Devastator, written and illustrated by comedian, Reductress contributor, […]
  25. A Letter of Complaint to the Bureau of Genies, Monkey’s Paws, and Birthday […] Dear Sir or Madam, Normally, I am not the kind of person to write letters of complaint. However, I have recently had an experience with a […]
  26. Let Me Make You a Sound Bath, Babe, by Nihar Patel Welcome home! You look tired. Long day? Yeah, your boss is a nightmare. Uh-huh. Wait, before you get all worked up, you need to relax. […]
  27. An Excerpt from ‘Trump’s America: The Complete Loser’s Guide,’ by Scott […]Here’s a really, really classy taste of Trump’s America: The Complete Loser’s Guide, the new book by Scott Dikkers, founder of The Onion. You […]
  28. Being From the Case Files of Chandler Bing: A Study in White, by Julien […] If there was one weakness to which my companion was always susceptible, it was to the seductive agent of flattery. For all his considerable […]
  29. 17 Times ‘Cyanide & Happiness’ Dropped Some Dark and Funny Truth BombsThis article is in partnership with Seeso. You get it. Before it was the animated series The Cyanide & Happiness Show, it was just […]
  30. The Metrics of Fool-Shaming, by Zack Bornstein Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, okay, I should have seen that one coming. Fool me four […]
  31. I’m Changing This Bar’s Jazz Jam Session Rules, by Brian Dunn Great set, fellas. Really great. I didn’t recognize that last tune. “Caravan”? Hmm. Never heard of it. We need to chat before you put your […]
  32. Gentlemen, It Seems My Briefcase is Full of Candy, Not Money, by Eric […] Listen, I know we’re supposed to exchange money for my daughter tonight. You assured me she wouldn’t come to any harm, so long as I brought […]
  33. You Almost Certainly Won’t Discover A Body During Your Hike Today, But […] You’re all set, folks!  You’ve got your map of the trails, a guide to the various blazes…I think you’re ready to go! Enjoy your hike at […]
  34. You’ll Love This Home That I Definitely Haven’t Been Living In, by Henry […] So good to see you, Mr. and Mrs. Henderson! Don’t worry, you’re not late at all! I also just arrived. Yes, I haven’t been here long. I’m glad […]
  35. A Syllabus From a Really Cool Professor, by Zack Stovall What follows is a syllabus that was discovered following an extensive legal background examination, unearthed from the pages of a textbook […]
  36. I Turned My Bag of Chips Upside Down and I Think I’m Finally Ready to […] I turned my bag of chips upside down to evenly distribute the flavoring, and I think I’m finally ready to come to terms with my relationship […]
  37. The 15 Best Comedy Books of 2015Congratulations on watching all of the comically progressive original shows on Netflix and Amazon, and then listening to every single podcast. […]
  38. Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter, by Dan Fitzpatrick Dear Pegasus Fruit Company, My name is Steve Miller; some people call me Maurice. I was excited to see your opening for Regional Sales […]
  39. Please Consider These Edits to My Obituary, by Zachary Clark Dear family, First, I want to thank you all for writing my obituary. It’s a truly thoughtful and moving first draft, a great start. I just […]
  40. Detective Story, by Jesse David Fox A man walks into a bar. The room is cold and empty, like an igloo—an empty igloo. Why’s this bar so cold? Is it just me? He looks around for […]
  41. We Did It. We Created Chili’s Town®, by Jason Nawara Yes, Chili’s Town® is here! Located a few short miles west of Iowa City featuring a diverse and piquant menu of the classic dishes that have […]
  42. One Think Piece To Rule Them All, by Luke Pohjala Three Think Pieces for the Editor-kings under the sky, Seven for the Staff Writers in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Freelancers […]
  43. Skip The $4 Latte! And 9 More Personal Finance Tips, by Adam Bertocci We know how it is. You’re a hip young college graduate making big bucks at your first job, so you’re probably more concerned with your […]
  44. Before We Rob This House, Let’s Play Some Skeeball, by Sam Pasternack Nice work with the alarm system, Jimmy. Let’s start upstairs. These rich guys always keep their valuables close to where they sleep. There, I […]
  45. Patrick Bateman Reviews Taylor Swift, by Olga Lexell You like Taylor Swift? Wait. Don’t speak. Why don’t you take a seat right here. Don’t mind the newspapers. Let me put on a record and see […]
  46. Hardworking Young Professional Seeks New Career in Making Sure the Macy’s […] Dear Mayor Bill DeBlasio and the New York City government at large: Thank you in advance for reading my offer. I believe you might be in […]
  47. Branding Your Infant for the 21st Century Marketplace, by Pablo GoldsteinHello, Los Feliz Lamaze! Lane Bronson is the name, branding is my game. Nancy, or Mom as I like to call her, came down with the flu, so I’ll be […]
  48. More Devastating Greek Tragedies, by Blythe Roberson The prince of Corinth visits an oracle to ask who his true parents are. Instead of directly answering the question, the oracle tells the […]
  49. Anton Chekhov’s ‘Wario,’ by Alex Firer Few know that Wario, the beloved fourth choice for favorite Mario Kart 64 character, did not originate as a video game character but in the […]
  50. I Won’t Have Any Showboating on My Harlem Globetrotters, by Chris Partridge Okay, Globetrotters! Huddle up and take a knee. I’m your new head coach, Tim McGovern. You may call me “Coach” or “Mr. McGovern.” Refer to me […]
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