MOST RECENT ARTICLES BY:

Brian Boone

  1. Another Email About the Tax Brochure from “Jazz Guy” at Work, by Jeffrey […] From the top: Hey, this is Dorian from the tax department — we met last Thursday at the BEPS conference downstairs (I was the one whose silk […]
  2. I’m So Sorry My Panic Room Is Such a Mess, by Ben HargraveOh, wow, this is quite embarrassing. I’m so sorry about all the clutter. Of course, I obviously knew you, Dom, and the kids were coming over […]
  3. A Pairing Menu for Works of Postmodern Literature and Appropriate […] The paranoia-inducing The Crying of Lot 49 by Thomas Pynchon is best paired with a room temperature watermelon wine cooler, which should […]
  4. An Excerpt from ‘Paul Ryan Magazine’: Proust Questionnaire, by Anna Heyward Paul Ryan is the unofficial magazine of the Speaker of the House, brought to you by the team behind The Neu Jorker. Edited by James H. Folta […]
  5. Your Daughter Appears to Be Our Daughter’s Kindergänger, So Now We Have […] Hello, and come in, please! We’re so glad you accepted our invitation to lunch. Can I get you some water or iced tea? We might have a beer or […]
  6. Excerpts from Frankie Muniz’s Autobiography That Make Me Think It Was […] I remember the day my mom got the call that I landed the part of Malcom in Malcom in the Middle. She was grinning from ear to ear when she […]
  7. Congratulations, You Have Been Invited To Hawktoberfest, by Dan Caprera Dear Mr. Kensington, It is with great joy that I tender to you my deepest and sincerest “congratulations.” Over the past few decades, you […]
  8. The Writers’ Room: A Documentary, by Matt Corluka Imagine a place with the musical genius of Jared Leto and the geological wonder of the La Brea Tar Pits. Two conflicting entities: One sucks […]
  9. Unsatisfactory Past Life Regression Results, by Shana Gohd I’d like to begin by thanking you for choosing our Past Life Regression services over similar, albeit less-experienced, providers available. […]
  10. Trump’s ‘Sweet Valley High’ Spec Novel Notes, by Kit Lively Donna is a smart, beautiful, popular girl. Really, really big boobs, maybe? But they let her be head cheerleader anyway, because she can do […]
  11. Out of Office Replies for These Political Times, by Kimberly Harrington I’m sorry I missed your e-mail. As you may have heard, women are no longer allowed to use computers so I’ve actually missed every single […]
  12. The Harrowing, True Story of When I Lost My Wallet at the Farmer’s Market, […] MORNING: MY ROUTINE I wake up in my Brooklyn apartment, put my Pomeranian in her sweater, take the elevator downstairs, and avoid eye […]
  13. These Niche Podcasts Were Made For You! by Brian Alexander TO: mikeymilwaukee33@gmail.com Marginally Attractive Men in Milwaukee. Do you live in Milwaukee? Do you consider yourself a man who’s at […]
  14. ‘Raising Hope’ Is Where Silly Comedy Meets Genuine HumanityThere’s been so much variety of good comedy TV in the past few years that it’s dumb to pick a sub-genre. Smart and edgy shows like Silicon […]
  15. I Invented the World’s First Menstruating Drone, by Adrienne Teeley If you would have told me 30 years ago that I, Dr. Ted Montgomery, would end up as one of the most lauded and influential robotics engineers […]
  16. Welcome to the Hayden Panettierium, by Kathryn Doyle Thank you for visiting the Hayden Panettierium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space at the American Museum of Natural History. I, […]
  17. An Excerpt from ‘The Best American Emails,’ by Amanda MeadowsYou’re Invited to a Screening of ~HOCKEY JERKS~ To: amandasjunkmail@ymail.com From: thescreenery@screenery.film Subject: You’re Invited to a […]
  18. My Imaginary Boyfriend Josh, by Hana Michels My grandfather has gotten to that point where he knows he is not going to live forever. In most people’s cases, this is a time to revisit […]
  19. Thanks For Looking After My Five-Headed Bat-Like Creature While I’m Away […] Thanks for taking care of Giuseppe while I’m away on vacation, Shaun. Especially on such short notice! Sarah, the girl who works in business […]
  20. The Keynote Address at the Association for Aspiring Plumbers, by Chris […] I’m glad to see so many young people here with an interest in pursuing a career in plumbing. However, I feel it is my duty to inform you that […]
  21. On the Eve of a Grand Space Voyage, by Jeremy Freeze Good evening, distinguished members of the world’s first interplanetary exploration team. As you prepare both physically and mentally for the […]
  22. Letter of Recommendation, by Barbara Holm In my efforts to search for a new job, I’ve solicited a letter of recommendation from someone who knows me best. To Whom It May Concern, I […]
  23. FAQs About the New Health Care Law’s “Tremendous Vampire Bats” Mandate, by […] Will the “tremendous vampire bats” mandate affect me and my family? Perhaps. President Trump’s replacement health care law requires every […]
  24. An Excerpt from ‘Away with Words,’ by Joe BerkowitzWe’ve now reached the pun solstice, the verbal equinox. The Henry Pun-Off is six months away, a comfortably far-off X in next year’s calendar. […]
  25. Please Support the Patreon for ‘McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’ If you read a site like Splitsider, chances are you also read—and/or have submitted your original work to—McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, […]
  26. The Complete Oral History of “The Star Spangled Banner” (Fictionalized […] The following is the complete oral history of Francis Scott Key’s “The Star Spangled Banner.” Certain quotes and other elements have been […]
  27. An Excerpt from ‘Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of […] WHAT WILL TODDLERS EAT? Food used to be one of your top five things—remember brunch?—but toddlers ruin food. You try to serve them […]
  28. Of Lamestains and Wack Slacks: The Elaborate Joke That Was Grunge-SpeakIn 1992, the rock bands of the Seattle “grunge scene” won over Americans’ hearts and minds, overtaking slick and cheesy metal groups from the […]
  29. My Husband Tim, Who Is My Husband, by Jamie Loftus In case you did not receive my embossed card in the tangible mail, this is a digital copy of a photograph of me and also of my husband Tim, […]
  30. I’m Sorry That My Self-Driving Car Didn’t Think the Ren Faire Was an […] To the good people of my town, I would like to apologize, again, for the unfortunate incident in which I am sorry to have been involved two […]
  31. I Stand Vigilant Before Master’s Sarcophagus and Yet Heroes Keep Breaking […] For centuries, I have had the honor of protecting Master’s sarcophagus. I stand motionless, and am surrounded by dust; by rot; by a silence […]
  32. The Lunches My Child Has Been Served at School Can’t Possibly Be the […] As a parent, nothing is more important to me than the health and well-being of my child. From studying the labels on Caiden’s favorite snacks […]
  33. The Movie Pitch for ‘Horse in Motion’ (1878), by Collin Gossel Oh wow, Mr. Muybridge, what a coincidence running into you here! I don’t want to interrupt your dinner, but listen, I’ve got this great […]
  34. That’s the Last Time I Plan an Art Heist on Facebook Events, by Bizzy Coy Alphonse, Natasha, and Mister Fingers, I write this letter with a heavy heart. I thought we were friends—no, more than friends. […]
  35. On Ilana Becker and That IBS Pill CommercialSo I was watching the season finale of Crashing, the one where Pete Holmes goes to a big outdoor adult baptism. One of the people getting […]
  36. An Excerpt from ‘The Official Handbook of the Bowieverse,’ by Alex Firer […] Alex Firer has written for The Onion, The Onion News Network, Paste Magazine, Cafe.com and can be seen every fourth Wednesday at the […]
  37. They Can’t All Be Spider-Man: Your Handy Guide to B-Level Super-Powered […] The Stupendous Bee Woman. College student Sheila Sherwood is stung by a bee that had been exposed to mysterious rays of ultra-dimensional […]
  38. Defending ‘Mortdecai,’ the Best Comedy That Critics Love to HateThe 2015 Johnny Depp movie Mortdecai is a wild, madcap character comedy powered by the presence of a leading man who loses himself with gleeful […]
  39. Your Application To Cryobank NYC Has Been Denied, by Harris Mayersohn and […] Dear Potential Donor: Unfortunately, your application to donate sperm to the New York City Cryobank has been reviewed and rejected. While we […]
  40. Hierarchy of the White House, by Don PlattnerWith the new administration taking control of the White House, it’s important to understand the chain of command. As such, here’s a chart to […]
  41. Revisiting Larry Miller’s Classic Bit ‘The Five Levels of Drinking’How could anybody have anything new to say about the near-universal human experience of getting drunk and acting stupid? Larry Miller found a way.
  42. We Tried All The Abandoned Kitchens in This Post-Apocalyptic Brownstone So […] I know it, you know it, we all know it: eating out in this nuclear winter really sucks. We’ve all rummaged our way through the same abandoned […]
  43. Cormac McCarthy Rents ‘Tin Cup’ from a Blockbuster Video, by Patrick Coyne He stood and looked over the building. He had his fist clenched at his chest. He entered. Dust and ash everywhere. The crushing emptiness of […]
  44. For Your Consideration: Bruce McCulloch’s Wonderful Autobiographical […]Last fall, the day after the election, I went to Canada. These events are unrelated—the trip was pre-planned, but I got to experience a very […]
  45. An Excerpt from ‘Danger…With a Hard G’ by Matthew David Brozik “You won’t mind if I ask to see some identification, I’m sure. It’s precinct policy.” The cheerfulness of the property clerk behind the […]
  46. 15 Rules to Follow While You Are Inside My Time Machine, by Michael A. […] 1. Never ever roll down the window and stick your head out like a dog. There will be thousands of antique clocks spinning around within […]
  47. Some Personal News (1806), by Jon Wolper September 7, 1806 SOME PERSONAL NEWS STOP I HAVE WORKED AT JOHNSONVILLE ADVERTISER FOR THREE YEARS STOP AND COVERED ALL MANNER OF […]
  48. Harry Potter and the Lost Generation, by Julien Darmoni In the days after you first broke through London on the express and found the true country with the poppies and the rains and the Forbidden […]
  49. Typical New Yorkers, by Jeremy Glass Kitty Beans Kitty grew up in the West Village during a time where even looking in the direction of the subway could get you beaten, mugged, […]
  50. Howie, by Noell Wolfgram Evans I was upside down in a garbage can. It was raining. Howie Mandel was missing. Digging deep into the darkness, fighting past the stench of […]
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