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  1. The Layman’s Guide to Reading This Guide, by Sam WeinerCongratulations! You’re now taking your first step towards enjoying this informative guide. If you’ve made it this far, then you already know: […]
  2. Password Reset, by Warren ArnoldYour Password Has Expired. Please Reset Your Password In Accordance With Company Policy. User ID: PRSMITH PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗ […]
  3. Mixed European White Guys & Girls from the Suburbs, Pride Parade!!!, by […]Sunday, July 17th will mark the first annual “Mixed European White Guys & Girls from the Suburbs, Pride Parade.” A celebration of the shared […]
  4. Rise of the Apes: Humanity’s Best Hope, by Rob Kutner“There are… scientists raising alarm about the possibility of a real-life plot line that mirrors [Rise of the Planet of the Apes]… that the […]
  5. The Dogs Are Out to Get Us, by Meseret HaddisAlright listen up. We got another young girl found dead on Fuller Street. Yeah, I hear you. The third one like this in four days. We got to […]
  6. Rejection, by Rob LeDonneFor an aspiring writer, rejection is an everyday occurrence… Dear Mr. LeDonne, Entertainment Weekly is a magazine that runs feature stories […]
  7. Career Opportunities, by Michael Bird“Since March, the number of unemployed persons has increased by 545,000, and the unemployment rate has risen by 0.4 percentage point. The labor […]
  8. This is a Form Response, by Jamie BrewDear ransom note recipient(s), Thank you for your inquiry. Your time and kidnapped loved one are important to me. This is a form response. […]
  9. An Apology from the Editor, by Charlie NadlerDear loyal readers, I normally reserve this space for a brief and charming personal anecdote which beautifully illustrates the issue’s […]
  10. Grade Reports, by Jessica RoakeFaculty Handbook: The extensive grade reports Shady Glen faculty members prepare for students can be daunting for first-year teachers, but […]
  11. Forget What You Think You Know About Dinner Parties, by S.H. CarlyleI’m very pleased that you have accepted my invitation to one of my now-famous dinner parties. Did I ever expect that what started as an […]
  12. Aquaman: Blitz the Seas!, by Colin FisherLadies and gentlemen, welcome to the investors’ meeting for Aquaman: Blitz the Seas!. In case you don’t know, I am Marc Philips, producer of […]
  13. The LEGO Man Ascends a Structurally Unsound, Multi-Colored Skyscraper, […]If you are reading this, then I’ve finally done it. I’ve freed myself from this nightmarish life. Do not shed tears for me. Do not take […]
  14. Sarah Palin at the Movies, by Guy Nicolucciby Sarah Palin (as told to Guy Nicolucci) THOR First of all, I’m a Christian and I don’t hold much truck with pagans and false gods and that […]
  15. Please, Dear Neighbors, by Hudson HongoLately I’ve noticed a lot of you hating me, and at first I was worried, thinking it was something I’d done. “Is it because I believe in […]
  16. It May Be Time to Rethink Modeling Our Condo Association After the Yakuza, […]Dear fellow residents of 1928 Wolcott Avenue, As president of the 1928 Wolcott Condo Association, I feel it is my responsibility to address a […]
  17. Advice from the Prettiest Girl in the Office, by Grace BelloDear Prettiest Girl in the Office, Unlike me, my friends have full-time jobs. When they invite me out, we always go to clubs that serve $14 […]
  18. Minutes From the Ridgeside, Pennsylvania Town Hall Meeting, by Michael […]1. CALL TO ORDER / PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG. Mayor Griffiths arrived late due to traffic caused by the monstrous crater in the middle […]
  19. Are You a Secret Hero?, by Michael KuppermanAre you the heroic type? You might just need the right opportunity to prove yourself. Or maybe you’d make the perfect victim. Take this quiz to […]
  20. Charles Manson: The Kickstarter Page, by Scott JacobsonABOUT THIS PROJECT Listen, you play it on the square with me and we’ll be fine, just fine, but I seen the earth turnin’ and burnin’ since […]
  21. Reach for the Shiny Pink Stars: Commencement Speech To the Hollowbrook […]Good afternoon fellow patients, esteemed counselors, Nancy from the front desk. First of all, I would like to say “thank you.” It is an […]
  22. Ladies and Gentlemen, May I Have 15 Minutes of Your Precious Time?, by […]Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Foster Richardson, and my family and I are currently homeless. I just got out of the penitentiary […]
  23. A Letter to My Unborn Intern, by Daniel KibblesmithThere you are. I do not yet know your name. I don’t even know if you are a boy or a girl. But I know that you are out there somewhere, and […]
  24. You May Already Be a Winner of the Future, by Luke Burns“The president and his team have been focused on a single message since the State of the Union, even repeating his new catch phrase — […]
  25. Found On The Windshield Of Missy Kambree’s 1993 Chrysler LeBaron…, by Ted […]ZADES EXTREME CRIME BLOTTER! 09/10 – Intersection of Grand and Bonnaview, 12:17 AM Four youths attacked Zades with sticks while he was […]